The Brass Teapot Page #2

records or comic books or--

Nothing for you.

Nooses? Shotguns?

Poison?

Okay. I'm gonna go just...

In the car.

This is me, before the war.

You were beautiful.

That's the telephone.

Sh*t.

I got the car to work, baby.

Okay, great. Go! Go! Go! Go!

Go! Go! Go, now.

Why'd you run out of there like

baby face nelson? What happened?

Stealing?

Are you kidding me?

We're, like, two steps above

white trash as it already is.

This is so pretty.

Look at it.

Ow!

Alice!

What are you doing?

I was fighting in my dream.

Okay. No more kung fu movies

before bed.

I love cats. They get me much more

than people do.

Which reminds me. Did you know

Mr. Tutor is having an affair?

- Mr. Tutor? - Yeah. He's into

some very kinky, kinky stuff.

Do you wanna see?

Come on.

Seriously.

Oh, my god.

Where-- oh, my--

- Hi, Mrs. Tutor. Hi.

- Hi.

Nice to see you. You havin' lunch

with the boss today?

Every Friday.

You know, it's little things like that

that keep a marriage special.

- Have a good day.

- You too.

I'm calling about the, uh, position

that you had listed.

No, I don't have my master's,

But I have my bachelor's degree.

And I actually graduated

in the top third of my class.

Okay. Um, is there

any other position?

Something entry-level,

maybe?

Ow!

Ow!

Holy mother of god.

Seven hundred dollars.

Oh, sh*t!

Ow. Ow.

John, I've come to the realization that...

You may not be a great

salesman. Okay.

You don't smile when you speak

to clients on the phone.

Right. And-and you think my clients

notice when I don't smile...

Over the phone?

It's for my wife.

She has great taste.

What?

Good for her.

Okay. Listen up.

We're letting people go, John.

And, uh, you're the first.

Hold on.

Me? The first?

I've been here longer than

half the people out there.

I'm one of two people with a degree.

And Donna's is from an animal husbandry school.

We're not basing this on seniority, number one.

Number two, don't belittle Donna...

For her passion for animal insemination,

What it's done for this community and

what she's done for this company.

We're letting you go.

Do you have anything else to add?

No.

Alice!

Jesus.

What the--

Alice!

Alice.

Hey, baby.

Baby, can you hear me?

Alice.

Johnny boy.

What happened to you?

- There's someone in the house.

- What? What do we do?

You're my hero.

You're kidding?

Baby, just tell me what the hell happened?

- I fell down the stairs.

- We don't have stairs.

Ow.

There we go.

I think-- baby, I think we need to

take you to the hospital.

I'm fine.

Not everybody has to go to the

emergency room for a mosquito bite.

It was one time.

Thing looked like a hummingbird.

Are you drowsy or nauseous?

I feel very awake.

More than I have in years.

I think you're concussed.

Look.

Watch me.

See?

I'm fine.

Why aren't you at work, baby?

They fired me.

How can they do that?

I'll find another job.

- How hard can that be?

- Seriously?

it doesn't matter.

What?

You feel funny?

Like I might be having a panic attack.

I'm so sorry for this, John.

what the--

What the hell?

Look! Look.

Look. It's better

than any paycheck.

You're giving me money so you can hit me?

No, I'm not.

The teapot is.

It gives money when you hurt yourself.

- What?

- How else can you explain it?

Alice. Alice!

You put the money in the teapot

before you hit me.

No. No, I didn't.

It's empty.

Empty.

What are you doing?

Abracadabra.

Ow.

I guess that really does hurt.

- Where did that come from?

- Seriously, John?

Okay.

Ow! Ow.

Jesus, Alice.

What the--

Ouch.

Ouch.

Stop doing that.

This is the first time I've been

the breadwinner. It feels good.

It's not a paycheck!

Alice, this is not a job. Good.

Most people kill themselves

for decades and get nowhere.

It's a gift from the gods, John.

It could end badly.

Very badly.

We can dig ourselves out of this hole.

Get out of this place.

Get our own house.

Make a million bucks and never work again.

It came to us for a reason.

John?

John?

No. No, John!

No!

Are you a gift from the gods?

Whoo.

So, John, how did you come upon this teapot?

I just found it at a garage sale.

Just sitting there next to a blender

and an old treadmill.

That's very fortunate.

'Cause I must tell you,

when I saw this vessel come in,

My heart skipped a beat.

I don't say this often, on the show,

But I have never seen anything

quite like this before.

Tremendous quality. The alchemy

of the metal is spectacular.

Mostly brass, but some other metal,

possibly silver.

And notice here the detail and the

artistry in this 24 karat gold filigree.

It's impeccable. Truly, truly an

amazing find you have here.

Wow. Where do you think

it came from?

I would guess the middle east...

Or quite possibly ancient China.

I've seen similar vessels like this...

With the same structure of sorts from

some of the earlier dynasties.

But nothing this unique

or well-preserved.

This is truly as if it hasn't aged

for several, several centuries.

Do you know anything at all

else about this teapot?

Um, no, I don't, really.

Except for the fact that...

It's traveled across the world,

through the hands of many important people...

All of whom are now dead.

Okay.

I'm going to estimate the value

of your teapot at $5,000.

Well done. Well done.

Thank you.

We have to promise to stop

before it gets out of control.

We make our million and we stop.

Ready?

Ow, ow, ow, ow.

Aah! Ow, ow.

Hello. How are you today?

Good.

Can I take your bag for you? No, no,

I'd rather keep it here if that's okay.

I'll take the full brazilian.

I want it all gone, okay?

Okay.

You know what? Let's do this

the old fashioned way.

Sure.

Great.

Oh, my god.

Ow! Ow! Ow!

Yeah, that's gonna be great.

Are you sure you don't want to just

take it to the bank?

How would we explain that to the irs?

- How much is it?

- $194,173.

Yes.

Wow.

Hey. You want to go

for an even 200?

Tonight?

How?

Spank me.

- You want me to spank you?

- Spank me, John.

Huh.

Okay.

- You want me to spank you with that?

- Yeah, I do.

I don't want to hurt you.

- You ready?

- Do it.

- How was that?

Harder?

- Yeah.

- This is crazy.

Harder!

Harder!

This is crazy.

I'm sorry.

- You're pathetic.

- I'm sorry. I can't.

Hey, wow. Okay.

Oh! Ow.

Jesus Christ. Ow. Just hit, like

the cushy part.

Don't get my-- ow!

Yeah, yeah

Okay, that's enough.

That's enough.

Oh, it's enough?

I've been so fast this day

- Hmm.

Hands all over your face

Ow.

I'll never leave behind

Where'd you learn all this?

I had moves before I met you, John.

- I met you in high school.

- Yeah?

You were a stripper in eighth grade?

Ow.

Read your mind to save your life

Bye

Happened so fast

Hands all over your face

You ready for me?

Oh, my god.

Ow.

Whoa.

Wait, wait, wait.

No, no, no, no, no.

Baby, when we go inside--

Will you be nice to my mom?

Because she's always so nice to me.

- Be nice, okay?

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