The Brass Teapot Page #3

- Hey, Trudy.

- You look great.

- Oh, god.

Hi, mom. How are you?

We are just so excited

that you both could join us...

For our mostly vegan feast.

Mostly.

Thank you so much, sis.

- Yummy. - So, John, are you

still with the same company?

Actually, no. I'm not. We switched to

private investing.

Looks like you're doin' all right.

- And you, joe?

- Still non-profits.

Right now I'm working on a huge campaign

for the stock island tree snails.

- Tree snails.

- Yup.

Delicious with butter.

We have a lot of snails and

flower fairies in our garden.

Yes, we do.

Oh, yeah?

Do you like magic?

- Yeah.

- John.

If no one

is going to ask--

How have you gotten so far on the

paycheck of a pesky goddamn telemarketer?

We actually made it big on an investment, mom.

- What investment?

- Oatmeal futures. Sexy sh*t.

If he's pimping you out, I want you

to come home with me right now.

Yeah, why aren't you out

on the street turning tricks?

You little... Slut.

I tell you what. Let's just have

a pleasant dinner...

Minus the language please.

I'm a white pimp in the suburbs.

That's how we talk. Legit.

I want answers!

Actually,

We're selling Alice's eggs to sterile mothers.

It's beneficial for everybody.

Cage free, farm fresh.

But are they organic?

Eggs.

So, Alice,

Have you and John put any thought

into having a b-a-b-y?

Mmm.

Why is that funny?

Because that's what you're

supposed to do next, right?

Have a baby?

Well, of course.

Why would I want an organism growing

exponentially inside of my body...

And then ripping its way out

of my tight, sweet, fresh,

Young, undamaged v-a-g-i-n-a?

Alice, you are the only one in our

family who hasn't reproduced.

Having a child--

It's like the essence of your soul

is reflected back at you.

It is like god holding up a mirror

to your soul...

Saying "shazam" and enjoy.

Maybe I should've just gotten knocked up

in senior year like you.

Well, summer after senior year.

Mmm.

Oh, yeah. That's right.

I'd forgotten.

Have you tried the 12-bean salad?

Mmm.

Time to meet the sidewalk!

Come on.

Come on!

Baby, we are officially out of debt.

Well, isn't that good news?

Wow, so that means we'll be at a million before christmas.

What's the rush?

Oh.

Don't we want a few of

life's necessities? Mmm.

Some of the things we've gone without?

Mm-hmm. Such as?

I want lots of new clothes.

Vodka.

I want my own vodka label.

Premium sh*t.

Okay.

Who the hell is that?

Coming!

Coming!

Shabbat shalom.

I'm sorry, guys.

We're not religious.

Oh, my god! Baby!

Baby, no!

Oh, baby, no.

Oh, baby!

Hey!

- Where is the teapot?

- Teapot?

Ow!

- Ow! - The one you had

on the television.

It's a precious family heirloom.

Our grandmother risked her life to

save that teapot during the holocaust.

-I bought it from the old lady. She

gave me a really good deal. -Impossible.

It was the last thing she talked

about before she passed.

She said her teapot was missing.

She died?

Aah!

Where is it?

We sold it!

We sold the teapot.

So where's the cash?

We want the money!

Stop it!

Please stop. It's just five grand,

and you can keep the change.

- Where did all this come from?

- From my bra.

- It's the rainy day fund.

- Is there more?

No, no. Look.

Oh.

One bad deed for another, huh?

Oh, baby. Are you okay?

I'm so, so, so sorry.

Is anything broken?

Ow.

We have to find out what the

hell this thing is. Okay.

Ce30, period, 415g, period.

Wait. Wait.

A practical history of

magical objects and potions.

It's the biggest book

I've ever seen in my entire life.

The legend of the brass teapot.

Wow.

The legend of the brass teapot

first appeared in folklore...

Around the time of christ's crucifixion.

That's what the scholar at the roadshow said,

That it was probably

from first or second century.

It also says...

That the teapot possesses extraordinary

and inexplicable powers.

- Well, that's one way of putting it.

- Right?

It's like it just goes on

forever and ever and ever.

Oh, my god.

Oh, here, here.

I have one.

Oh, whoopsie.

- Shh.

- Shh!

There's no one else here.

This book just goes on and on and on.

All these different temples

and religions. Let me see.

"Bhardwaj warned that those associated

with ownership of the teapot...

Were in for unsavory consequences,

Including--"

No! Somebody

ripped out the page.

- What? - Why would somebody

rip out the page?

No! What do you think

"unsavory consequences" mean?

I don't know. But it's a

really old book, you know?

And we're probably not gonna learn

that much more from it right now.

I think we should go have fun.

I think we should go spend our money.

Can you look at my face for a second?

Two hasidic jewish men came and beat

the sh*t out of me in my own house...

When I was wearing a silk, pink robe.

Don't gimme that face right now.

You ever have sex in a library?

What?

Go f*** a headphone

We got a time bomb we got

a time bomb we got a time bomb

Na, na, na, na

Time bomb tickin' time bomb tickin'

Got a time bomb tickin', go

We're going sideways highways

Riding on an elevator

cold just like an alligator

Now my baby's out of date

Fighting and lightning and tightening

Above the buckles

on an atom bomb's time bomb

Tickin', tick tick tick

Canape?

Oh, no, thank you.

Guys? Canape?

No, I'm allergic.

Hi, neighbor!

Hi.

You look gorgeous.

When you said the place next to ours,

I thought you meant up the street,

not this place!

How did this happen?

Uh-- um--

Alice, hey. Hey.

Hi. Hi. You look amazing.

Hey.

Thank you. You must have gotten

your dream job.

Dreams are for people

who are sleeping, not doers.

You could still dream, I guess.

You like the sound of that?

Yeah.

Sounds nice, doesn't it?

Sounds like they're really here.

This is my, uh, favorite part of the house.

Exclusive invite only.

Try this on for size, huh?

Really?

To hard work.

Ew. Ooh.

It's a work in progress.

Well, I have to go and show

Payton something upstairs.

- Okay.

- Come on. Let's go.

Okay.

Yeah. See you around.

Hello.

Hi, I'm sorry.

Were we being too loud?

Dr. Li Ling.

What is the theosophist society?

We have interest in antiquities.

Specifically teapots.

I have come from China,

John. May I enter?

We can talk right here.

Are you alone?

Yes.

I'm sorry. Can you just give us one

moment just to talk amongst ourselves?

Thank you.

We should probably listen to what he has to say.

Interest in teapots?

Seriously?

If he takes it, the party will end.

Hi. Dr. Ling, I wish you would have

called us sooner.

We donated the teapot to a museum.

Tax write-off.

- We must talk.

- We don't have it.

You are in grave danger.

You must listen to me before it is too late.

Leave us alone and get off of our property!

You buy girl scout

cookies once--

The best.

They were the best.

We were so close and then--

we used to come here with marcy and dan.

But they don't splurge since his dad went

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes