The Brass Teapot Page #4

to prison for embezzlement.

Well, we believe in splurging

every once in a while.

Don't we, baby?

We're trapped

in "splurgatory."

So what sort of dog do you two have?

I heard him howling last night.

Sounds like a big fella.

Oh, we don't have a dog.

That was just some really violent sex.

We used to have an australian

shepherd. Casper.

Beautiful, beautiful dog.

Ran off last year.

- I left the door open.

- I'm not blaming you.

Okay.

Oh, let us get the bill.

Yes, we insist.

No, no, no.

You guys paid last time.

You sure, Alice? That wasn't boone's

we were drinking.

Holy sh*t.

No wonder why it's so dark in this place.

One of us needs to go to the bathroom, baby.

We certainly do.

- I went last time.

- I went yesterday.

Hmm. Fine.

But you're going to the bathroom

the next two times, okay?

Okay. Excuse me.

- John--

- Yes, dear?

Don't forget this.

Oh.

Thank you.

Why does he need your bag?

Hemorrhoid cream.

Oh.

Alice, that's T.M.I.

Yes.

Oh, no!

When do the vodka profits start rolling in?

What?

Mmm.

I might've misread the market...

Pretty badly actually.

It's okay. As long as we've got the teapot,

everything's gonna be okay.

Why do I get the feeling that,

when the time comes,

I'm going to have to cut off one

of your stubby little fingers...

To throw this thing into mount doom?

What?

It's a literary reference.

Lord of the rings is not literature.

It certainly is.

God, you're such a geek.

Ow.

Oh, you're such a slut.

Hey.

I'm a slut?

Ow! Jesus christ.

Not now, please.

Ow.

Ow! Geez.

That's enough. Stop.

I think you, like, splintered

my tibia or something.

Who is that?

I don't know.

Could've helped you.

Hey, hey! Whoo! Whoo!

It's a party!

Holy sh*t!

- What are you doing here?

- This is awesome!

- What are you doing here, Arnie?

- Wow!

I was wondering,

Why the hell are you beating the crap out

of each other and laughing about it?

She hit me first.

Mmm.

That's one question.

Dos question.

How are the world's two biggest

losers livin' in this neighborhood?

You are wasted, Arnie,

and I think you should go home.

You can't wait for me to go, can you?

Well, I think it's a little late

to just drop by.

Really. Hold that.

- No! Arnie!

- Still want me to go?

- Don't touch that, Arnie!

- Arnie! Arnie!

Just give it to me.

Please, please.

Do what he says, Arnie!

Give it to me! Please!

No! Get him!

Get him! Get him!

Arnie! Arnie! Arnie!

Arnie, bring your ass back here!

Arnie, please give us our teapot!

Arnie!

Please give me back my teapot, Arnie!

- Why do you even care about this

thing so much? - Because we like it.

This is what we look like

when we like something.

Oh. God, Alice.

You used to be so hot in high school,

And then this guy turned you into

some weird freak-o.

Freak-o?

- You're not better than me.

- No.

- Remember that. - Course not,

Arnie. Look at your truck.

Yeah, I know.

Hey, John, remember when

you tried out for football?

And you sucked?

- Go long.

- Yeah! Yeah.

- Down!

- No, no, no! No, Arnie!

- Set!

- No, no! Don't throw that!

Hike!

Arnie, please be careful!

No!

Arnie!

Arnie!

Arnie! Arnie, don't do it!

Arnie!

Whoo!

Arnie!

- No!

- Enough, Arnie!

No. My teapot!

No, my teapot. My--

It's perfect.

Not even a scratch.

How is that possible?

It's not possible.

It-- what the hell is this thing?

Please, come in.

That teapot has been around for 2,000 years.

It has gone through the hands of some of the

greatest and worst characters in history.

Although we have not seen it since it disappeared

from a nazi concentration camp in 1945.

Our founder,

Dr. A.K. Bhardwaj,

Learned that in the wrong hands,

it could cause great harm.

If there is one ounce of evil

or hatred in either one of you,

The teapot will draw it out.

We're in total control.

We're good people.

This is how it always starts.

- John and I know our limits.

- They all did.

So, what do you suggest we do?

Give it to me.

Go back to your lives and

pretend it never happened.

I told you this was coming.

I will rid the world of it.

You can get rid of it?

It cannot be destroyed.

But it can be hidden in such a way...

That no one will find it again.

Ever.

No. Absolutely not.

We are keeping it, John.

Why are we better than the people

who had it before us?

It's a magic teapot,

Not an atomic bomb.

I didn't believe that guy.

I don't trust him.

He wants it for himself...

Or maybe even north korea.

Did you even think about that?

Hey.

We're John and Alice Macy.

We're the salt of the earth.

Frickin' good guys.

It's not gonna get out of hand, okay?

I'm so annoyed you went skiing

and didn't even invite me.

I'm sorry.

You know, it was Switzerland, last minute.

Yeah.

Oh, Mr. Smoothie!

I love Mr. Smoothie!

That's so childish, right?

No. It's like mall gourmet.

I know.

Hello!

Hello?

Hello.

You can never get anyone

to serve you in these places.

Oh.

I, uh, ducked when I saw you guys coming...

So we could avoid this.

What happened to you?

Uh--

I had a skiing accident.

It's a tough life.

What are you doing here, Louise?

What am I doing here?

Um, it's a second job, you know.

And I save money because I get

to eat smoothies all day.

I have a chronic brain freeze.

Bit of advice, Louise?

Yeah.

Don't eat the merchandise.

Make it a treat.

Um, could I get a nonfat yogurt smoothie...

With maraschino cherries?

Why not?

So, you want the same thing, right?

Yeah.

- Dos.

- You ladies are in luck...

Because we're having

a two-faced special today.

John.

John, there's someone breaking in.

There's someone breaking into the house.

Huh?

Yeah. Bet it's 50 ninjas.

Good night.

Are you serious?

Do you not hear that?

They're coming upstairs.

Come on. Come on.

Come on.

Shh, shh.

Amateurs.

They hid it in the bathroom.

You found it.

It's the brothers again.

What do we do?

They're taking my money.

Shh. Our money.

No. I'm not going

out there.

Alice! Alice!

Go!

What are you going to do, tough guy?

Oh.

Back off.

Tiny underwear.

Did you shave the top of your thighs?

Alice, get back inside.

Would it have made any difference

if we'd warned you?

You knew we had the teapot the whole time?

You were creating our rightful inheritance.

So we'll just take the cash,

and you can keep that beast.

You don't even want the teapot?

If you're smart, you'll get rid of it

before it's too late.

Bubby waited too long.

A woman of her age, she should have been

relaxing, playing mahjongg or something.

Instead she was out every night sawing

off stop signs, hoping for the worst.

Wha--

Don't say we didn't warn you.

- No one leaves!

- Take it easy now, huh?

Take it easy?

That is my money!

Mine!

Oh!

No, baby!

- No. Don't touch it.

- Oh, my god.

Wait!

Where are you going?

Give that to me. That's mine!

Come on! Now!

That is my money!

- Give that--

- What are you doing?

Give that to me!

Come on!

It's my money!

Alice.

Alice?

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