The Brass Teapot Page #5

Alice.

Are you okay?

Baby--

they took everything!

Why didn't you stop them?

Seriously?

Hi, honey.

We need to talk about your lawn.

Now, the block council sent three letters,

And everyone has been talking about it.

The gardener didn't show.

It's my office.

I have to take it.

So you'll take care of this, right?

Of course.

Great. Hey, mar.

Oh, great.

B*tch.

We need to get to work.

I have been working

since 7:
00.

Is it still, uh--

Less today than it was before?

Yeah. It's only

fives and ones.

The teapot doesn't like paying like it used to.

I--

We need help.

Living's for the living

Dying's for the dead

I'll tell you right now

How's it going?

Who's the toughest, meanest, baddest

motherf***er in this place right now?

Big fella back there.

He just got out of prison for murder.

Huh.

Two whiskey shots, please.

I'm telling you how it is

Call 911.

Hey, babe, wait.

Don't forget that.

Right.

Been ridin' with the devil

Been such a long time

You are cute.

Oh! Oh!

Whoa!

Whoa!

Heavy flow day, John?

You know, it--

Hello, John.

Jesus Christ! Whoa.

Hi.

You don't look so good.

Feel like a million bucks.

You are changing.

The teapot is consuming you and your wife.

Trust me. Your whole life will

be destroyed by this object.

You will have nothing left.

What then?

Charles Graves. Hey!

- Got time for an old pal?

- Barely.

- Got you working pretty

hard here, huh? - Yeah.

Pulling 60-hour weeks so Louise

can go back to school.

But, uh-- jesus.

- How's things on easy street?

- You'd be surprised.

What happened?

Did good luck finally run out?

Well,

It's not so much bad luck

as it is just--

What the hell happened to your face?

Your eye is, like, hanging out.

I'm fine. What is going on

with you, man?

I'm your best friend.

I haven't seen you in forever.

You show up looking like

the phantom of the opera.

- What the hell is going on here?

- Chuck, I would--

I would tell you everything in a second,

But I just--

I just know for a fact...

That you'd never

ever believe me, and--

Whatever it is that's going on,

it doesn't matter.

It's not worth it.

Do me a favor.

Relax for a minute and remember

what's important, okay?

Look, if you need a job or something,

you can work here.

It pays sh*t, but at least

the benefits are--

No, there's no benefits.

Yo, James, ollie off the curb!

Yeah, but I got it.

Oh, my leg. Ow!

All right, let me do it again.

That one hurt.

That is not

grown-up behavior.

What are you doing, baby?

Let me ask you a question.

Why am I gonna end up like muhammad ali?

Just so we could have a good credit score?

Stop being such a baby.

Move over.

I'm about to do my laps.

Wait, baby.

Jesus Christ.

What, did you get shot?

I'm fine.

Who isn't fine?

Skateboarder.

Ohh!

Yeah! Come on!

Come on! Tear that p*ssy apart!

Yeah!

Okay, you're doing good.

Push!

That's good.

Come on! Push!

Security. Who the hell are you?

Goddamn it! Oh!

Oh, wow.

Where else is there awful, horrible pain, John?

Alice, I wanna go home.

I'm done. No. No.

We have to keep going.

I feel energized.

Ever since I first touched it, you know,

Everything's... Louder.

I never wanna lose this feeling.

There's so much hurt out there.

Alice. Alice!

Such a nasty world that we live in.

Alice! Alice!

Hey!

What are you doing?

What the hell was that?

He was crossing against the light.

So we should kill him?

I--

Alice, we said we'd stop

when it got out of hand.

You're on the verge of vehicular homicide.

Bearded maniacs are stealing money out of our toilets.

I'd say it's out of hand.

Goddamn it, John!

I knew that this was gonna

happen. I knew it.

You--

What?

You can never go the distance with anything.

You make all these big plans and promises,

And you never even took me on a honeymoon.

Well, I'm sorry. I've been working my

ass off so you can get your degree.

Well, for as hard as you work,

you never get ahead.

How is that possible?

Well, maybe if I didn't have to support

a wife who just sits at home...

Thinking about how she should start

at the top instead of at the bottom,

Like the rest of the sane world--

you know what?

Screw you! Okay, you're gonna

get out of the car?

Yeah, I am.

I hate you right now!

Baby, get back in the car!

I don't wanna be around you!

No. I'm getting out of the car.

Please come back.

You're losing your mind.

Watch out.

Oh!

Alice.

You okay?

I'm fine.

Where did this come from?

I don't know.

I'm sorry for this in advance.

Some men are destined to fail, John.

And you're one of them.

I think the lottery exists

because of guys like you...

Who know deep down luck is the only way...

They're ever gonna overcome

their spineless, clueless,

Hopeless personalities.

We both know...

That I know...

You know I am too good for you.

Ouch.

Okay.

Now you do me.

What?

Hurt me, John.

No.

John.

Hurt me.

Don't do this here.

It's psychological warfare.

The teapot really likes it.

Hey.

What?

You got secrets, right?

Break my heart, baby.

Uh-uh.

I need a man, John.

New year's eve.

Four years ago.

You were ignoring me at the party.

And when the ball dropped, I grabbed Payton...

And I kissed her face off.

And I still think about it.

Sometimes when I'm kissing you.

Oh.

That was a good one.

Oh, no.

Last spring, when we were drinking...

And playing cards with my friends,

The reason why I insisted that we left...

When they started playing strip poker

wasn't because I didn't feel well.

Oh, no?

Your flaccid penis is very small.

Well, it's average size.

You can look it up.

I have.

I still have the sex tape that I made

with the girl that took my virginity.

It's in a, uh, box labeled "Captain Ron,"

Next to top gun.

I let Arnie go down on me.

You what?

Arnie? Arnie,

as in landlord Arnie?

It was three years ago, before we were married.

Oh, my god!

And you did nothing for him?

I'm so sorry.

What?

Arnie?

What do you want?

Oh, nothing.

I've just come to saw your dick off.

Hi. Hey, guys.

Hey, Alice.

You must be brandi.

Mm-hmm. We haven't been

formally introduced.

My name's John.

I screw Alice...

Who apparently...

Blows Arnie...

Who I assume rides you like a big gorilla.

I will f***ing punch you in

the neck! Hey, this is bullshit!

Stop! Now, listen,

you got all this money,

You think you can come here

and talk to me like this?

Uh, yeah.

Oh!

Baby, hey.

You okay?

Yeah. Yeah. I'm fine.

This piece of sh*t should be broken.

Slowly.

Careful.

Oh! Ow!

Oh, no!

Hey, that's mine.

Hey, Arnie.

Yard's looking a little shaggy.

What the hell is that thing?

Answer me!

Babe! Listen.

Who's the slut now?

I will kill you!

It was one time, I swear to god.

You suck at karaoke.

Ever since I found out about Arnie,

I've been thinking about

sleeping with another woman.

I'm not sure who yet,

but I believe I have many options.

That was not me.

Seventy-two bucks

and change.

The first time in my life I've

been totally honest with someone.

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