The Bronze Page #3

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about you ratchet-ass lames

You can suck a dick,

I'm all about fame

F*** a nigga, f*** a b*tch,

straight getting...

- Where is everyone?

- Ben?

- Hey, guys.

- Hey, Ben.

You guys get stuck

in traffic or something?

Uh, well, I know it's a little light,

but my dad promised Coach P

that we'd keep Maggie's training sessions

private so she could focus.

Um, I'm gonna go change, okay?

So, uh, should we get started?

Got it covered.

Feel free to hang around and look pretty.

Oh.

Wow.

Uh, well, I have to...

I have to be here, anyway.

Uh, managing the place

while my dad's out of town, so...

All right, fine. Here's the deal, Twitchy.

- I'm the pilot, you're the...

- Co-pilot. Got it.

I was gonna say stewardess.

Oh.

I'm sure you're aware someone

from the US Team Committee's

coming here to check on Maggie's progress.

She's their golden child. They love her.

Yeah, she's gonna do a

bang-up job at trials.

- When are trials?

- Uh, we're eight weeks out.

As long as Maggie just does Maggie,

we're gonna be good.

Bam!

Excuse me.

Did I say to do that? Huh?

I didn't realize how undisciplined you are.

Shucks, sorry.

I usually do that better.

"Shucks"? Why don't you curse normal?

Cursing hurts God's heart.

So does being a showoff.

Um, sorry. I was just really excited

to get back, you know.

Um, I want the all-around gold,

- but bars are my specialty.

- Gold?

Did she just say "gold"?

Get that ego in check.

You're not a specialist

until I say you are.

Now, what needs to be the strongest

for you to be a champion?

- My body.

- Wrong.

My endurance.

My...

My mental constitution?

- Your mind.

- But I said my mental...

Shut up and lie on the floor.

Wipe that smile off your face.

Now, close your eyes.

Are we praying? I love that.

Let's hold hands.

Ew, get the f*** off.

Close your f***ing eyes.

Now, I want you to visualize

your routine in your mind.

- Which one?

- All of them. Just do it.

- And then am I gonna perform them for you?

- Are you the coach, or am I?

Shut your cockhole.

- My what?

- Don't worry about it.

Buzz off, Twitchy.

I feel you trying to get a gap shot.

Nope.

Hey, can we work on my beam routine

when we get to the gym?

It's my fave, and I've been telling my mom

how excited I am to show you.

Whoa! Stop telling your mom our business.

Whatever happens at the gym or my car

or wherever we are together

stays at the gym

or my car or wherever we are together.

Really?

- Coach P was not like...

- Hey!

You crap on this town, I crap on you.

And, yes, really.

I'm not running home and telling my dad

- every time you get camel toe.

- What's camel toe?

Just a pro term for sticking a landing.

Here you go.

Thank you.

This is a joke, right?

Michael Phelps eats 12,000 calories a day.

Coach P's diet has 500.

Who's a better role model?

A guy with 22 medals?

Or a chubby Russian taking a dirt nap?

But aren't guy swimmers

different than girl gymnasts?

Casey B. Anthony told us

that men and women are equal.

You mean Susan B. Anthony, right?

Both of 'em.

Maggie, if you trust me,

you will eat this food.

Open your mouth and put it in.

Hey,

there's my favorite Sandstoner.

Who's that?

- You f*** him?

- No.

No, of course not. No.

- Finger f***?

- No.

Have you even kissed a boy yet?

Coach P's no-boy rule, huh?

I have the opposite rule.

- Come on. Come on.

- Mmm-mmm.

- Get the f*** up. Get the f*** up.

- No. Mmm-mmm. Mmm-mmm.

Get the f*** up, I'll rip your pubes out.

- Hey.

- Hi.

I'm gonna cut through the bullshit.

You two need to hook up.

Nothing major yet.

Just rub your privates on each other

- like you're starting a forest crotch fire.

- Oh, gosh.

Privates.

Give him your number,

give him your number.

Okay.

- He's a little slow, huh?

- Mmm-hmm.

- All right, done. You're welcome. Come on.

- Bye-bye.

Eat.

Take a bite of that.

Your body metabolizes the proteins.

You become a champion.

- It's so good.

- It goes down better with Avril.

Try to tell me what I shouldn't do

You should know by now

I won't listen to you

Walk around with my hands

Up in the air, 'cause I don't care

Care...

Morning, sunshine.

Making yourself a health shake?

It's for Maggie. T oday's an important day.

The coordinator's coming by.

She needs to be on her A-game.

Good for you, sweetie.

- Are we gonna be late?

- Relax.

- What's up?

- What are you doing here?

What is he doing here?

Bad news, sugar tits.

Gotta get used to a crowd.

I want that down the hatch

before we get to the gym.

In the club with my mink on

Chain hanging long like

I'm motherfucking King Kong

You can find me in the club

with my mink on

With my mink on, with my mink on

Hey, Hope.

What happened to 8:00 a. m.?

The coordinator is here

and he's kind of pissed

'cause he's been waiting for an hour.

It's 9:
00. There's a grace period.

Okay. Sure.

Hey, there, Maggie.

Is everything okay?

She's a little nervous and all that.

Come on, Maggie.

- Yeah, she's just practicing the visualization.

- There she is.

- Come on.

- Oh.

- Hey.

- Uh...

- Moral support. Let's go.

- Hi, there.

Dude, I'm tired

of f***ing whey protein.

Just get the beef one like I told you.

It's called Carnivore.

He's back there in the office.

All right, call me later.

Look who I found.

Well, well, well. Hope Ann Greggory.

You're an hour and three minutes late.

What the f*** are you doing here,

Lance Tucker?

Oh, you guys know each other.

Team coordinator.

They offered me that job.

I said, "F***, no."

- That's bullshit.

- Your face is bullshit.

Uh...

Something looks different about you.

Oh.

I know. You got old.

Your limp dick disease

must be affecting your eye vision.

Okay.

Hope, uh, what's Maggie's first event?

I'll set it up.

- Bars.

- Gotcha.

Hey, water boy, I can't drink

that bottle of piss you gave me.

Here's five bucks.

Why don't you get me a Fiji,

or something pH balanced?

And if you're lucky,

I'll let you taste my nuts.

Hope's tasted my nuts before, right?

Do not get that water, Twitchy.

- Are you winking at me?

- No.

What, are we flirting right now?

What's happening?

Hey! Don't make fun of people

with deformity problems.

I'm actually not deformed.

Um, but it's not a problem.

I'll go get the water,

pH balanced, for men.

- Boost me.

- Maggie, no, I can't do that.

Fine. Then a rocket ship will take me.

Ooh!

Whee!

Do you see me, Hope?

Oh!

Thanks, Maggie.

I think I've seen enough.

- I think my camel toe's a little off.

- Excuse me?

- She's a bit of a perv.

- Oh!

- Hope, office. Now.

- Office, now, Hope!

Wow. Horrible, right?

I did my best, but obviously,

Maggie's campaign is over.

Will you be informing

the media or should I?

What the f*** have you done?

That girl didn't miss a beat all year.

She was a potential team anchor.

Clearly, that would be a terrible idea.

No, clearly you've managed to f*** her up

in just six weeks of working with her.

What has she been eating?

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