The Bronze Page #5

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When she woke up late

in the morning light

And the day had just begun...

Shouldn't we be using

my Tchaikovsky piece to practice?

- F*** no, that sh*t's lame.

- Coach P said it was a classic.

She'd also say that about a full bush,

but we all know that's disgusting.

Let's go.

Five, six, seven, eight.

Crossback, crossback, circle, bend.

Step, corner.

All that she wants is another baby...

Don't hesitate

in your double pike, Maggie.

Trust that you're gonna have

enough momentum.

Every part of you needs to be focused

on the task at hand.

Crossback, circle, bend, step, corner.

Good.

- Oh!

- There you go.

Holla!

Gloats get kicked in the throats. Go.

Hey, good job, Coach.

Hope?

I'm really nervous about the trials.

Well, that's both rude and offensive,

considering I've been

busting my ass for you.

Sorry, you're right.

You'll be fine.

I just wish my mom could be there.

You don't need your mommy.

I mean, for the Games, yeah,

it's nice to have support.

But even my dad wasn't

with me for the trials.

Plus, I'll be there with you,

so people will already assume you're cool.

What do cool people do?

Um...

They have a secret handshake.

Does that mean

we're gonna have a secret handshake?

F*** yeah, we are.

The decision was decided

by me earlier today.

Do it. Go.

- No.

- Do it.

Bye.

Congratulations

to our Women's National Qualifiers.

In first place, Christa Carpenter.

Christa, how does it

feel to be the champion?

Well, I just gotta thank God first.

Never do that.

Always thank your coach first.

F***ing rookie.

I'm gonna call my mom, 'kay?

The smell

of mothballs and Poligrip.

My grandma must be here.

Ah, nope. It's the elderly musk

of Hope Ann Greggory.

What you're smelling,

cheese dick, is victory.

- We medaled.

- Yeah, third. Isn't that familiar?

So, uh, here's what's gonna happen, Granny.

Maggie's gonna come train with me

and the rest of the team starting Monday.

Not gonna happen, coordinator.

You don't follow Tuckersgold on Twitter?

I was just appointed

Women's Team Head Coach yesterday,

so what I say goes.

And if Maggie doesn't train with my girls,

then there's no way

she's gonna be a legit contender.

Bullshit.

I'm gonna cut her from the team

if you don't comply, Hope.

She just placed in the top three.

If you cut her, you're gonna look like

more of a moron than you already do.

Here's a warning.

You don't want to f*** with me, Hope.

I'll f*** with whoever I want,

whenever I want.

I'll f*** with them so hard,

I'll rip their taints in half.

Then I'll wear one part of the taint

in a locket around my neck,

give the other half of the taint locket

to your mom to shove up her ass.

Pretty soon after,

at the whorehouse she whores around at,

someone will say to her,

"Hey, hey, Mrs. Tucker,

"what's that shiny little object

coming out of your crack?"

And she'll be like, "Oh, this ass jewelry?

Just spit-shined it up.

"Hope Ann Greggory gave me that as a

reminder that my son's a f***ing loser."

Maggie trains with me. See you in Toronto.

No! No!

F***! F*** me, I suck! F***!

Time out, time out. Stand right there.

First of all, it makes me so proud

to hear you curse normal.

Second, quit being so hard on yourself.

All right? That's my job.

I want to shift gears.

I want to talk to you

about your stage presence.

You need to amp that sh*t up for Toronto.

You're welcome in advance.

I'm gonna show you how to be judge bait.

- Judge bait?

- A trained monkey can do gymnastics.

Half of what we do out there is personality.

Sit, watch, learn.

When you hit this move,

your face needs to be having

as much fun as your body.

This move is all about sass.

Now we're bouncing, we're bouncing.

I've never had this much fun bouncing.

You think this is funny?

This is some serious sh*t.

The judges are scoring me

through the roof right now.

The camera's dry humping my every move.

All right. Do it with me.

Come on.

I am so cute.

Cute to the right, cute to the left.

Nod, I'm cute. Nod, I'm cute.

- Nod, I'm cute. Nod, I'm cute.

- Jesus, pull it back.

Sell it, don't advertise it.

Commercials, endorsements,

a f***-ton of free sh*t. Get up!

Sell it to the b*tch-ass judges.

Do it again. Go.

You guys, I got a spare!

Very good.

You know, Coach P would take me here

when I was doing good at the gym.

Does that mean

I'm doing good at the gym, Hope?

I just wanted nachos.

- Can I just have one?

- Sure.

If you want to spend

your summer in fat camp

rather than earning the respect

of the entire frickin' world.

What I thought.

Here.

Chomp on that while you smell my nachos.

Mmm.

Okay. Mmm-hmm.

- Yeah, that kind of works. Thank you.

- Yeah.

- You can do it with anything that has a smell.

- Oh, oh...

Can I go play on the claw machine? Please?

It's a free country.

Thank you.

Pretty strict diet.

That's nothing.

I once ate nothing

but watermelon juice for a month.

I had to reteach my jaw how to chew.

- This machine is stupid.

- Try again.

You guys, I can't do this.

I'm really bad at this.

Here, let me do it. Move.

It's all in the wrist. There you go.

Oh, my gosh! That was so cool!

You actually got it!

Oh, my gosh.

It's so cute.

I can have it? Oh, thank you!

Thank you so much!

Ben, Ben, look what Hope got me!

Oh, wow.

That was very kind of you.

She was just setting herself

up for failure. As per usual.

Hey, uh, are you free tonight?

My schedule is insane. Also per usual.

Why?

Uh...

Would you want to grab dinner, maybe?

Um...

Yeah. I can probably

push some things around.

Okay. Good news.

Mmm.

- I'll pick you up and everything.

- Oh.

- I'm clear to drive even at night, so...

- Really?

Yeah. This isn't an issue.

You won't run us off the road?

- Not on my watch.

- All right.

That was a joke, so...

That's not a joke, that's actually real.

I'm having a fit, I'm sorry.

- Hold on.

- I'll look away.

- Have at it. Go ahead.

- No, I'm fine. I'm good. Sh*t.

Welcome home, sweetie.

I made your favorite.

Chicken fingers

with White Castle burger stuffing.

I won't be taking my dinner here tonight.

I got a date.

That's fantastic.

You're gonna change

out of your warm-up suit, right?

No. This is what I wear.

- This is what heroes wear.

- That's true.

But you may want to, I don't know,

mix it up a little?

Ew!

I'm not taking fashion advice from a guy

who wears blue shorts for a living.

Your Honor,

I have the sext right here on my phone.

Well, look at you.

- Have a good time tonight, honey.

- Stop pressuring me!

Oh, hey, Hope. Wow, you look great.

Uh... I'm sorry, I was gonna come inside.

Why? You need to take a leak?

Uh, no, no.

I was just trying to be a gentleman.

- Oh.

- Oh.

Uh, so, uh, I know

that your two favorite places to eat

are the diner and, uh, the food court.

But, you know,

since we've been to the diner a lot,

I figured that maybe

I'd take you to the mall.

Mmm, it's Sunday. The mall closes at 6:00.

Oh, well, don't you worry about that.

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