The Brothers Solomon Page #7

Baby.

I think you need to

take a look at this.

"Janine, hopefully you're

reading this right now.

There's so much

we need to tell you.

We never meant to come

between you and the baby. "

"So we want you to keep the baby,

but we want you to keep us too.

Maybe if we had told you that in

the first place, you'd never have left.

Hopefully we're not too late. "

"Oh, my God.

John, are you crying?"

"No, I have something in my eye. "

"Anyways, please,

if you have any information...

...we are offering a reward of

Just kidding, dollars. "

- "Nice. "

- "Thank you. "

What the hell? They cut off our...

Wait. Look!

You have one new message.

Message sent today at 1443.

Hey, my name's Matt

and I'm calling about the sky banner.

I wanna propose to my girlfriend...

...and I need the phone number

of the banner place.

I'm at 555-0183.

Oh, hey, Tara, we're home.

She loves that bathroom.

Well, we did our best.

Yup.

And Dad knows that.

We got nothing to be ashamed of.

Hands in.

What should we do on this one?

I'm really kind of stumped, like...

I gotta be honest, I don't know

if I have anything left in me.

How about

"Janine's right behind us," on three?

- Oh, my God.

- Janine?

I had to use your bathroom.

I hope you don't mind.

After all, I'm peeing for five now.

That is, if the offer still stands.

Oh, my God. Do you mean it?

Janine!

Sorry.

So you saw our sky banner?

Actually, James did.

Hey, guys.

James!

All right. Yeah, all right, settle down.

Relax. Everybody back the f*** up.

I have a little something I've been

saving for a special occasion.

This is the perfect time to open it.

It doesn't get more special than this.

Hey there, little one. How are you?

We missed you so much.

Oh, here it is.

Oh, my God. My water just broke.

We gotta go. We gotta go, honey.

Come on! Let's go!

- We're having a baby!

- Quit blowing that!

We're having a baby!

Dean, we're having a baby!

Wait, wait! How are we gonna

get Dad to the hospital?

I'm on it.

My father's dying!

We're having a baby!

- Hold it in!

- Keep it in there!

Suck it up there! Come on!

That's great! Don't breathe!

Just breathe, baby. Just breathe.

That's it.

Where's the f***ing doctor?!

- She's ready, get the doctor.

- Hurry, she's having a baby!

- Here you go, sweetheart.

- How dilated is she?

Where's the doctor?

It's getting hot in here.

Oh, Jesus.

My bad, my bad, my bad.

Surprise!

- Look who's here!

- What the f***?

Just trying to give Dad

a view of the birth.

There's too much blanket.

That's the sweet spot.

Okay. Let's do this thing.

Okay. Okay.

It's all right. It's all right.

Push.

Breathe.

- Push!

- It's crowning.

Push, Janine. Push, Janine.

One more push. One more.

That's good. That's good, baby.

That's good.

It's coming out!

Come on.

That's it.

The head is out. The head is out.

I see the head!

That's good, baby. It's all right.

One more big push, Janine. Come on.

One more big push.

That's it. Push hard. Push hard.

Look up.

There it is. Very good, Janine.

Congratulations, it's a boy.

You had a baby!

It's a baby! It came out of there!

We saw it! We saw it come out...

Now, that is one beautiful baby.

Can we show the baby to Dad?

Dad, I'd like to introduce you

to your new grandson.

Dad, he's got your eyes.

Okay, let's get a picture

of the happy family.

One, two, three.

And remember, put the bungee cord

around your wrist...

...so when the baby does

a roof fall, no harm done.

All right.

But never leave the child

alone with the cord.

Where do I start? Hanging hazard,

potential tripping danger...

...autoerotic-asphyxiation risk...

- What?

Kids are starting really early

these days with that.

Listen, you might wanna change

that cord a couple times a year.

Otherwise, the elasticity goes to sh*t,

and that's your baby's ass, partner.

- Thanks, James.

- Thank you for your business.

Thank you. They said there were three

number one causes of child death.

What was the third one again?

Jesus!

It's okay, he's fine. He's in a coma.

I hope he lives.

Hope your baby doesn't die.

- Guard your baby with your life.

- Don't f*** up.

Thanks again.

- Sure.

Safety first, right?

I love you.

Who's that over there?

Who's this? That's grandpa.

Can you say "grandpa"?

He's not gonna be able to talk...

Grandpa?

- No way!

- Holy f***!

Dean. Don't swear.

Well, I'm sorry.

You never know how you'll react

when your baby says his first words.

Well, be careful.

Babies are like little sponges.

Sorry.

F***.

Didn't I tell you this motherf***er

was like a sponge?

- No, no, no. That's a bad word.

- Bad word.

No, no, that's okay.

Say the other word.

Say the other word.

Say the other word.

- The other word will make you happy.

- Say "grandpa. " Say "grandpa. "

Grandpa?

Good boy.

Grandson.

Grandson?

- Dad?

- Dad?

Oh, my God.

Look. It's your grandson.

Holy sh*t.

Holy sh*t is right, Dad.

We used every lesson you ever

taught us to help get him for you.

He's a Solomon.

We even named him after you.

I'm so proud of you boys.

You did good.

Hands in.

"Solomon family," on three.

One, two, three. Solomon family!

Let's do this.

Head came off.

Okay, that wasn't good enough.

But the baby's still here.

What if it brought a friend?!

Let's do this!

Action.

It's nice to meet you, sir.

Tell all your friends to come on over.

It's the blue car. It's the fun car.

We'll be right here. Rain or shine.

Luckily, we're both wearing

rain coats.

Baby scramble.

Line it up!

So I guess herpes and gonorrhea

and AIDS aren't a problem for you.

That was not your five.

When my brother has a five

hanging in the wind...

...I don't leave it there.

Thank you.

He's not handicapped.

Handi-capable.

No, he's...

- Disabled?

- No.

- He's...

- Not fully cooked.

He's clowning for the camera.

God's special little clown.

Get out.

- Now?

- Now!

I told you.

- Does he want us to go?

- I don't know.

They're not making any noise.

What?

Oh, my God.

Cut.

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