The Change-Up

(BABY WAILING)

Your turn.

(GRUNTS) on, f***.

(GROANS)

(EXHALES FORCEFULLY)

Okay, I'm awake.

Good morning.

You guys are up

a little early today, huh.

Did we have some

nightmares or something?

(CRYING)

Let's see what

you made for daddy.

Let's see.

(GROANS)

I wouldn't like to sleep

with that in my pants, either.

But it did happen

once in college.

(LAUGHING)

Can you leave that

bottle alone, honey?

Can you put it down?

Honey... Sarah...

No, no! Sweetheart!

Damn.

I know. I'll have you back in your

warm little bed in one second.

Here you go.

Back to bed, sweetheart.

You got a fresh,

dry diapy.

Peter...

Peter, please!

Buddy, we talked

about the head thing.

Let me get you

all hooked up.

Hang on, don't fall.

(GRUNTING)

(FARTING)

Oh, no.

Peter... Oh.

(LAUGHING)

(GRUNTS)

Okay. A little

something for daddy.

(LAUGHTER ON TV)

(BABIES WHIMPERING)

(COMMENTARY ON TV)

(ELEVATOR DINGS)

WOMAN:
Steel, Kuhbach, McCloud Law Firm.

Good morning.

Good morning, Lockwood.

Good morning, Mr. Steel.

Thank you.

How are the kids?

Oh, they're terrific.

Just terrific.

Children are such a joy.

Yes, absolutely.

Always.

Any word on

the Amalgamated merger?

That's all but signed.

And just in time for your

partner review, no less.

Really? Oh,

I hadn't noticed.

I look forward to having

your antic sense of humor

in the partner suite,

Lockwood.

It can get

a touch dry up there.

Thank you so much.

Hmm.

But a Double Windsor?

Come on, son.

This is not the dog track.

No. Yes.

Yeah.

Absolutely not.

Thank you.

Hi.

(IMITATING STEEL) Seriously,

Dave, this isn't the dog track.

Yeah.

Good morning, Sabrina.

Last week he told me my shoes

were dangerously Italian.

(LAUGHS) what?

My turn with

the Amalgamated files?

Yeah, I adjusted the WACC to reflect

the new monthly projections,

and I pre-negotiated

articles 23 through 29.

Okay.

I like the way you had

it before, by the way.

Yeah. Thank you.

(EXHALES FORCEFULLY)

Good morning, Patricia.

(PHONE RINGING)

Hello. MITCH:
Penis, sh*t,

vagina, cock, wolf pussies.

Mitch. I'm at work.

(LAUGHS) Did I get you?

Yeah. You sure did.

You got me on speakerphone? Yep.

Did the secretary hear?

Yes, the secretary heard.

She heard it all.

(LAUGHS) That's awesome.

Not really.

How stoned are you right now?

I've taken some weed.

Have you?

Mmm-hmm.

Do you know what time it is?

Mmm-mmm.

It's like 9:
00.

Holy f***-knuckles.

Guess what I'm looking at right now.

A bong?

No, I found a futon on

the street last night.

I sort of had to fight a bum for it.

He was so thin.

And it also came with this

vintage Navajo pony blanket...

So I think that's

pretty much a win for me.

Mitch, you know the adults are

about to fire up a work day.

I know, I just miss you, dude, that's all.

I miss you, too.

We've been super best

buddies since third grade.

I haven't seen you

in forever.

Oh, I've been swamped.

We're sleep-training

the twins,

and I just haven't

had a moment to breathe.

I'm sorry, man.

I'm just super-excited to see you.

We are still on

for tonight, right?

David?

Yep.

(STAMMERING) Yeah, yeah, yeah.

For the thingy.

Braves-Marlins.

Please don't tell me that you forgot.

Didn't forget.

What time are you

going to pick me up?

(KNOCKING AT DOOR) Don't

you bail on me, David.

I am not going to bail.

If you bail on me, I'm going

to literally eye-rape you.

I got it.

I will actually place myself

inside your ocular... Oh!

It's my dad.

Mitch Planko, Sr.

making a rare appearance.

This guy f***ing hates me.

(WHISPERING) I'll pick you up at 6:00.

Got it.

Kirk out.

Dad.

What are you doing here?

Oh, I just came

by to tell you

how incredibly proud

of you I am, son.

I'm pretty baked

right now,

but I think you're

being sarcastic.

Right?

No, dropping out

of high school

to be an actor was

a great decision.

I saw you in that commercial

for meat, incidentally.

That was the most brilliant portrayal

of baloney I have ever seen.

Why are you here?

Just came by to see if you'd

like to have some breakfast.

I can't. I got a super-duper important

conference call in 10 minutes.

You don't have a job.

You don't have any hair.

Right.

Well, then I'll just

say it here.

I'm getting married again,

and I'd like you to

come to the wedding.

When's the wedding?

Next Saturday.

My betrothed, Pamela,

would like you

to be there to

say a few words.

I'll catch the next one.

Yeah, right. Okay, well,

then I'd better get home

and boil my shoes.

Great visiting.

You, too.

Good.

(SIGHS)

DAVE:
And the

baby-eating monster

rises from

the deep! (ROARS)

(BABIES SQUEALING)

Hey, Daddy, which one

do you like better?

The southern monarch or

the many-spotted skipperling?

I am a many-spotted

skipperling man, all the way.

The monarch is just a glorified

moth, don't you think?

Yes. I tend to agree.

Hi, Mom!

Hi!

What a bad,

bad day.

Hi.

The zoning board shut us

down for the millionth time.

Dr. Klein lost the twins'

immunization records.

And Cara got bullied

in ballet class again.

Did you tell Daddy?

Nicolette Peters keeps knocking me

over during the battement gliss.

Oh, I'm sorry, sugarbug.

Are you okay?

JAMIE:
We just need to keep

striving for verbal resolution.

Yeah, yeah.

Verbal resolution, sweetheart.

So where do you want

to do this tonight?

Do what?

Dialogue Night.

Oh, my God.

Honey...

Don't even say that.

I'm so sorry. I suck.

Dr. Tillman said just once

a week, for one hour.

I'm sorry.

That was three months ago.

I know. I heard her.

And I want to sit and

talk with you for an hour

more than once a week,

but tonight, I cannot.

Why? What are you doing?

I promised Mitch

I would sit and watch

a game with him

tonight, and...

What?

Can we please just slide

the Dialogue Night again?

I'm so sorry.

I can do Monday night.

Thank you.

(DOORBELL RINGS)

He's early.

Yeah, you'd be early, too,

if all you did all day

was eat hummus and masturbate.

What's hummus?

That is a Mediterranean

spread, honey.

What's master-ate?

It's a cracker.

Oh, hey, Mitch.

Your hair looks good.

Thanks.

Yeah, I had to cut it for a

f***ing tampon commercial.

CARA:
Uncle Mitch!

(GASPS)

How's my favorite

ballerina doing?

Hi, Uncle Mitch.

Hi! Wow!

Gosh, you're so light.

Are you dieting?

Do you want to come

to my dance recital?

Oh!

No, honey.

The only style of dancing

that Uncle Mitch likes

involves a big, shiny pole, and a

broken woman with daddy issues.

(GROANS)

Yeah, story time is over.

Go fix your hair.

Ow.

Mmm, smells good

in here, Jame.

Mmm.

Ooh! Num-nums!

Vegetable medley!

How are you?

Good.

You're good?

Yeah.

Are you dating anyone?

Ooh! You know who I ran into?

Who?

Mrs. Hickham at a

Starbucks in Druid Hills.

Our social studies teacher?

Yeah.

I asked her out and she

wouldn't go out with me,

which is crazy, because I

nailed her in high school.

You did? I dated her mouth

for a full semester.

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