The Change-Up Page #2

(LAUGHING) Okay.

Bathed, diapered, and in the PJs.

Is Dave meeting

your needs, sexually?

Yeah, I guess.

MITCH:
Good.

Not really, mmm-mmm.

Ahh.

I would like to strap you to

my face and say the alphabet.

That's going too far.

Oh!

Look at these

little f***ers!

What's your name? Hey.

What's your name?

What's your name?

Why can't they talk yet?

Are they retarded or something?

Don't say...

You can't say that.

Well, this one right here

looks a little Downsy.

Or that.

MITCH:
I'm kidding.

A little bit, though?

No.

DAVE:
Pumpkin, we'll see you

right after the game, okay?

JAMIE:
Have fun.

I like it. Oh, God. (CRYING)

Let's go.

Okay. Bye.

(BOTH BABIES CRYING)

(SIGHS)

MITCH:
Mitch and Dave.

DAVE:
Mitch and Dave,

out on the town.

Oh, dude,

I didn't tell you!

I booked a major

movie role this week.

I auditioned for

a movie role, I got it.

Yeah, first one. Hey, good for you.

What is it called?

Untitled Awesome Movie.

Truly? That's the name?

Yeah.

Yeah. Good for you.

Do you want to hotbox this nut sack?

No, no.

I've got a big day tomorrow.

Take the wheel. Steer. Steering wheel.

Oh, steer for me.

Mitch, come on, buddy.

Let's make it to the game in

one piece, don't you think?

Want to try that?

This Fiero, unfortunately, is airbag-free.

It's a work

day tomorrow.

Come on.

All right, I'll take one hit.

Oh! What the...

You motherf***er!

Let's just focus

on the driving.

Just say no, Reagan.

God, why would you do that?

Well, we're driving.

God!

This is a car carrying a lot of speed.

This is terrible.

Hit the steering wheel.

I'm going again!

(ALL CHEERING)

Whoo! Drink!

I'll drink to that. All right!

That was a strikeout.

Huh, what's going on?

It is good to see you again.

It's good to see you,

too, Dave.

What's going on

with the women, huh?

I've been seeing a number

of very, very nice ladies.

I got some pictures.

Wow.

That is Tatiana.

Tatiana.

What's her last name?

It's Tatiana Calls-me- at-three-in-the-morning-

and-wants-to-f***-stein.

Who gives a sh*t what her last name is?

(LAUGHS)

Mitch. Reminds me

a little bit of Sabrina.

Yeah! Wait,

who's Sabrina?

Sabrina. She's this...

(EXHALES FORCEFULLY)

She's this new law

associate at my work.

She's so hot.

Oh, Mitch, is she hot. Uh-oh.

She's like fall-out-of-a-magazine

hot, you know?

I bet she's number one

on your cancer list, right?

What is that?

Come on, you know what that is.

What is that?

Every married guy

has a cancer list.

It's the first three women

you'd have sex with

if your wife suddenly

died of cancer.

That's f***ing sick.

Come on.

That's the mother of my children.

Oh, I know.

But I'll play.

Yes, she'd be at the top of that list.

It's like a gift.

Yeah.

(LAUGHS) But I interrupted you.

Tell me about this one again.

God, last week,

Tatiana, she comes over,

she's wearing this

tight black mini-dress,

and you know

what she says to me?

Tell me slow.

No, nothing.

Because all Tatiana wants to

do at 3:
00 in the morning

is fucky, fucky,

rubber ducky.

This chick is insatiable!

She wants it in every

position under the sun.

God, you're so lucky.

We do the Wheelbarrow,

the Arabian Goggles,

the Lonesome Dove,

the Arsenio Hall,

the Jelly Donut, the Pastrami

Sandwich, the Wolfgang Puck...

And let me tell you something,

no man is that hungry.

What? I don't even

know what these are.

You're married. You're married, Dave.

That's true.

Anyway,

we start going at it

and it gets so intense

that my nose starts bleeding.

Come on.

This is Dracula,

Anne Rice-type sh*t

happening right

in front of me.

Good for you.

When all is said and done, when we

finish up, and the dust settles,

she looks up at me,

and she says,

"Mitchell, next Tuesday,

I am coming back here,

"and we're

really going to f***."

Yes!

Yes! Tatiana.

F***. Mitch, Mitch, Mitch.

You're just...

How did I miss this?

I missed all the sex and the

drugs and the bad choices,

and I just f***ing rushed it, didn't I?

Wasn't I rushing?

You were busy.

Rushing to get into

a good college, right?

And then into

a good law school.

Once I got into

a good law school,

I just wanted to get

into a good law firm.

I met Jamie, we got married,

we had Cara, and that was it.

I pissed away my 20s, right?

Now it's too late.

Look, shitbird.

You got it made!

You have an

extremely hot wife,

and you got

a beautiful house

that's full of furniture

and food and kids.

And you make

a ton of money.

And you come home

at the end of the day

and you're surrounded by people

who give a sh*t about you.

You're never lonely.

What more do you want?

I'll tell you

what I want, okay?

I want something

different.

I want your life,

you know?

I want Sabrina.

I want Tatiana.

And sex with strange,

new women.

You're living the dream.

How much fun is it being an

actor, working one week a year?

I want to smoke

weed all day.

I want to start a book

that I actually finish.

I would like to take

a nice, solid dump

because I'm not

constantly stressed out.

I want to learn

how to rollerblade.

And I'd like

to take a piss.

Me, too.

Fountain, fountain, fountain.

Perfect.

Whoo!

MITCH:
This chick does

not look happy.

I was just saying that

I really envy your life.

That's all.

I envy yours.

No, you don't. You're

just trying to be nice.

I'm not.

I do, I envy it.

No. I envy yours.

BOTH:
I wish I had your life.

(THUNDER RUMBLING)

it's rolling

blackouts or something?

Yeah, I guess.

Look at your flow,

it's so nice and thick.

It's confident.

Yours is very steamy.

Thanks.

My urologist says

I run a little hot.

Good to go?

Oh, yeah.

Can you drive?

Oh, yeah!

(BABIES WAILING)

Holy f***-knuckles!

Where is my bong?

Whose f***ing kid is that?

What is with all

these goddamn pillows?

(SCREAMS) Jamie! Jesus!

What?

That's f***ing disgusting!

Put those tits away,

this isn't Africa!

What am I doing in this bed?

Did I sleep here last night?

Did I f***ing nail you?

Are you still drunk?

Dave!

Where is Lockwood?

What the f***?

Oh, my God.

I'm Dave?

Oh, my God!

(KNOCKING AT DOOR)

MITCH:
Open the goddamn

door, Dave.

(SNORING)

Come on, open up the

door, right now.

F***.

MITCH:
Come on, buddy,

open up the door immediately.

Let's do it.

(GROANS)

Dave, come on.

Open up the door, right now!

(BREATHES DEEPLY)

Okay, I'm awake.

MITCH:
Open up this f***ing door!

(EXCLAIMS)

(KNOCKING CONTINUES)

MITCH:
Open the goddamn

door, Dave!

Mitch?

Why am I in your apartment?

MITCH:
Dave, hurry up,

open up the door!

(EXCLAIMS)

MITCH:
Something very bad has happened.

Wait until you see me.

Wait until you see you!

Jesus Christ, relax.

MITCH:
Super freaky, dude.

Let's do it!

Oh.

What the hell is this?

I knew it.

Oh, my God.

Jesus Christ,

what the f*** is this?

Look at this.

Yeah, it's you.

And this is all me.

All of this sh*t is mine.

You're welcome.

I got this. (GRUNTS)

What are you doing to me?

(STRUGGLES) Hey, stop it.

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