The Change-Up Page #3

I'm so strong.

(SHUSHING)

You're choking yourself!

Must wake up.

Wake up!

I can't breathe.

Take my hands off you.

Wake up!

Get the f*** off me!

(EXCLAIMING)

Okay, okay, okay!

(PANTING) Go look

in the mirror. Right there!

All right?

(GROANING)

I'm a douche bag.

I'm a f***ing tool!

Oh! What did you do?

What did I do?

You think I want to be you?

Who said I wanted

to be you?

Holy sh*t, we did.

We wished for

each other's lives

when we were pissing in that

f***ing fountain last night.

We wished we had

each other's lives.

I was just trying

to be nice!

Oh, my God!

(HORN BLARING) MITCH: I know

a shortcut to the fountain.

Go this way.

(TIRES SCREECHING)

Careful! Easy.

I got it.

I got it.

(HORNS BLARING)

DAVE:
What are we going to do

when we get to the fountain?

We're going to take

a piss in it, or...

I don't give a sh*t.

We're gonna get our lives back.

You've got

to be kidding me.

Hey, where is

the fountain?

It is getting restored.

What are you talking about, restored?

Where did you take it?

I don't know, guy,

I just fill the hole.

I'm not the

fountain spokesman.

Hey, motherf***er...

(EXCLAIMS)

Whoa, whoa, who could

tell us where it is?

Maybe ask the

district manager.

(TIRES SCREECHING)

Nope. It is not

in the computer.

Okay, when will it

be in the computer?

Maybe tomorrow.

That's when Victor gets back.

It's not in the computer,

it's not in the park.

Who is Victor?

The guy that knows how to

find sh*t in the computer.

How can you lose

a fountain?

This is a big deal to us, okay?

I mean, it's a fountain!

Can you look a little bit harder?

That's incredible!

It is not

in the computer.

Yeah, but your attitude

is right on your shoulders.

No, no, no!

There was no

physical contact.

We're okay. We're fine.

We're fine.

I have the biggest meeting in my life in 45 minutes.

This isn't happening.

Did you have something

you wanted to do today?

I've got day one of

my big break movie.

If I don't make this meeting,

I don't make partner,

and the last 15 years of my life,

everything I've done, wasted!

All right, fine,

I'll do it.

I've got it.

I'll do it.

I got you.

Do what?

I'm an actor.

Human chameleon.

I can do lawyer in my f***ing sleep.

Give me the keys.

Oh, you'll play me

in one of your productions?

Yeah, give me the keys.

Okay, no.

Why?

Because you're...

Careful.

Because there's more to being a lawyer

than what you see on TV, Mitch.

Is there?

Yeah.

I object!

Oh, my God.

Okay?

No!

Wrong, my friend. You don't know the

first thing about being a lawyer.

You're not

a trained actor.

Neither are you.

Save it, all right, Dave?

It's one day.

We're Mitch and Dave!

We can do one day of anything.

Give me the keys.

Let's go.

Do you have a better plan?

Sh*t. Okay. All right.

You've got 41 minutes, okay?

Great!

Go to my house, get

dressed in my clothes.

Then you go to my office, find

my legal associate, Sabrina.

Get the merger

documents from her,

take them to

the conference room, and...

Oh, God, the partners

are going to be there.

Listen, do not say

a single word.

What if somebody

asks me a question?

They're not going to

ask you a damn thing.

Once the meeting starts, you

will continue to say nothing.

When a partner asks you

for the merger documents,

you will then

silently hand them over.

I get it. Play it big,

but maintain my reality.

It's pretty simple.

No! You play it small.

I have spent

the last nine months

banging out

the terms of this deal.

The only thing you have to do is

hand over the documents, that's it.

Dude, easy as f***.

You can't say things like

that in the meeting, Mitch.

True. Good note.

For me, you go to my house, okay?

All my info is on my fridge.

When you get to the set,

you go to hair and makeup,

and you learn your lines.

Most of all, do not f***

this up for me, all right?

This is my big break, my Raging Bull.

Do you hear me?

You respect my art,

you respect my life.

You respect mine.

Yeah, I got you. Power hug.

Come on. Yeah, okay.

(EXCLAIMS) Hold on.

You got to pick up Cara.

Pick up Cara from

ballet at 4:
00, okay?

I am f***ing all

over that sh*t.

Holy sh*t.

(ELEVATOR DINGS)

Early morning on the

golf course, Lockwood?

Ha-ha! Terrific!

Num-nums!

(LAUGHS) F***ing score!

F***ing grocery store.

Look at all of this

for little Mitchie-poo.

Nice!

Oh, there you are.

I redid the 10-19 variants,

everything else is the same. Ready?

Oh, you must

be Sabrina, huh?

You must be Dave.

Are we role-playing or something?

Because we're late.

He didn't tell me you were

a big, fat, f***ing boner.

Sorry. That was unprofessional.

Wasn't it?

Dave have a mimosa for breakfast?

A little nervous?

That was a joke. Hey...

I've got one really important

question before we go.

All this food here,

is it free?

You got this.

Yeah, I got it.

I got it.

Okay. (LAUGHS)

Let's do this.

All right.

You remember though?

Oh, right.

It's down there. Got it.

(PEOPLE TALKING)

Lockwood.

Yep.

Perhaps you would like to sit

on our side of the table.

Thanks.

FLEMMING:
Now, before we

formalize this merger,

are there any outstanding

questions we might address?

Our back-of-the-envelope

analysis

(CHAIR CLICKING LOUDLY) shows your

P&L to be 2% less than expected

as per the MAC clause.

Can I get confirmation

that the EBITDA

still aligns

with comfortable...

Dave?

Dave!

Yes. Dave is here.

Hey, man.

Hey.

Oh, I've got your thing.

Boom!

No, Dave, uh...

Mr. Kinkabe had a question

about the EBITDA.

Okay.

Uh, how is it?

Good.

Good?

What am I saying?

EBITDA is bad.

F***ing terrible.

(ALL MURMURING)

Are you saying the premium

needs to be adjusted?

I didn't say that.

Did you hear

me say it? Nope.

What about our WACC?

Huh? What PPS multiple

are you using?

What's that?

Is the financing still stable?

Hang on, guys.

F***ing 25 guys on this side.

Can you fire at somebody else?

Can anybody else

field the f***ing question?

Dave?

Yep.

It's your job

to know this.

Yeah, and I know that.

You know, we're...

Everything is...

Here is the deal.

We are very rich.

(IMITATING ASIAN ACCENT)

Everybody rich!

So let's sign this.

What's the worst

that can happen? Right?

We will just

roll this party out

to some sushi and

some sake bombs.

Moustache is buying.

And then a little karaoke for dessert?

What have we

got to lose?

Let's bones that.

Huh, 'stache?

KINKABE:
Is this

some kind of joke?

Are you trying to

poison the well?

You are the one on a fishing

expedition, Kinkabe.

You were never serious

about this merger.

KINKABE:
Me?

This moron works for you.

You are the one sabotaging it.

F*** you with that...

"Moron" is a bad word here.

This merger is over.

You have just made the biggest

mistake of your career, mister.

I will see you in court. No, no.

What a bunch

of bullshit!

Hang on.

Don't get up.

Is this a break?

Taking a break?

Quick fiver?

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