The Christmas Eve Page #2

Ho, ho, ho!

With syrup and butter

the sight just amazes

As it's flanked by a choir

all singin' his praises

- Cassius.

- Santa?

- Cassius!

- Santa!

Cassius!

Very inappropriate, pal.

Please, allow me.

Oh, Baitman, what's

your sidekick name?

- Plumber Wonder.

- Oh, he's not with us.

He's up against some sort of

"The Penguin Insuperable".

In my homeland, we tell

a very different stories

of Santa Nicholas.

He's not made of waffles.

This Santa was suave

He was nothing like that

The Santa I know was

a hot Plumber Wonder.

He was dressed all in a plumber

from his head to his wonder

And he stood their superhero

A truth Lazarus... Claus

The black is his boots

- And so is his cape

- D'oh-duh!

His Baitarang is a cane

that tastes like crab cake

He wears a good white belt

and a white and red L symbol

And there's a cute plumber thing

which hangs down from his hat

I have shamed myself.

- D'oh-duh!

- All right, everybody,

if you leave now,

you can beat the holiday traffic.

Choeng with all your

sunshine and lollipops!

Where I come from,

Christmas is a nightmare.

'Twas the night before Christmas

and the prettiest sights

Were my sweetheart beside me

in the bright Christmas lights

...until they got home.

When they looked at the car door

handle, and they found a hook!

Ginger, cut it out! You're

giving me the creeps!

Oh, come on,

I was just teasing.

Come with us, you.

Ginger, I couldn't stay mad at you.

What's that sound?

Oh, no, you don't. I'm not

falling for that again.

No, I'm really, really

seriously not kidding.

Ginger!

Patricia, don't!

D'oh! D'oh! D'oh!

That's the most ridiculous

the thing I've ever heard.

- That's not how it goes.

- You weren't there!

All right, everyone,

I've had just about enough!

All I wanted was a nice

Christmas with my family.

That's exactly why we're all here!

Come on, let's finish tellin' my story.

No, Hipster, that's not what I meant.

And get out of my chair.

- Hey, what's this?

- Hipster, let go of the book.

- Why are you whisperin'?

- I'm not kidding. Give me the book!

- Floyd!

- Yeah?

- No, Floyd!

- Oh, yeah!

My eyes!

Stop, drop and roll, Julia!

- Somebody get some water!

- I got it!

Don't worry, Shun,

everything is under control!

Oh, boy.

- The tea is ready.

- I got a fan.

I want everybody out

of my house right now!

Well, that's a very nice way to

treat your guests on Christmas!

And if you think I'm gonna give you

a present now, you are sadly mistaken!

Do you want to give me a present?

Then go away!

- That's all I wanted!

- Fine! I'm going!

Good, then go!

You go and have yourself

a merry Christmas.

- Leopold Sinclair!

- And a "D'oh, sandwich" to you too!

- We could come to our house.

- We have plenty of lobsters.

Now maybe we can...

Francesca? Where are you going?

Leopold, you just kicked

everybody out on Christmas.

Well, that wasn't Christmas.

That was chaos!

Look, I know it didn't

go like you wanted.

What I wanted was a perfect

Christmas for me and my family.

- That was our family.

- Do you call that a family?

That was a natural disaster!

On Christmas, that's how it

works. Yes, it was crowded.

Yes, it got

a little out of hand.

- Francesca, they lit me on fire!

- Leopold...

I had everything under control until

they showed up and ruined my Christmas!

- Your Christmas?

- I mean our Christmas.

For you, and the baby.

Christmas is not just about

you or me. Or even baby.

You just don't get it.

I have to go. I need to

apologize to our friends.

Francesca, wait.

I don't understand why

Leopold had to be so mean and cranky.

We were tryin' to do what you wanted!

- What're you talking about?

- What you said this morning.

You and Leopold wanted to

have a big, noisy family Christmas.

I said it was our first

Christmas together as a family.

Right. That's me and everybody else.

Then he lost his temper like that.

You know, Robbie, none of us

asked Leopold what he wanted.

I must agree with the Athletic Woman.

And you were no Christmas angel.

- I don't remember askin' you anything!

- Hipster.

I'm sorry, Francesca. You're right.

- Still, Rudolph didn't have to be so...

- What the...?

Refractory? Flexible? Mean?

Well, maybe I am all those things,

but I'm Mr. Untouchable, okay?

So here's the thing.

I'm sorry you took getting kicked out

of my house the wrong way.

No, wait. What I meant to say is

I know you're just trying to be

helpful in your irritating fashion...

- Dagnabbit!

- Some people can't help being annoying.

- Leopold!

- Look,

I shouldn't have lost my temper.

- Apology accepted. Let's eat.

- Wait a minute.

There's somethin' more to this.

Come on, what's goin' on?

Look, all I wanted was to make

this perfect for my family,

but I don't even know

what Christmas means.

The thing is,

this is my first Christmas too.

Hold up, Leopold! You mean

that you never had...

- No.

- Not even one?

- No!

- You mean no chestnuts,

no Santa, no presents,

no stockings?

- No nut cakes?!

- Roy!

No, none of that.

Untouchables don't celebrate Christmas.

Untouchables don't celebrate anything.

Oh, man, now I'm all emotional.

- Come here, gimme a hug!

- All right, that's close enough.

OK, all right, I just...

guess I got... a little

excited about Christmas and

all the presents and mistletoe

and everything,

and I forgot that it's...

It's about us all bein' together,

and I'm... I'm sorry, Bartholomew.

I know, Cassius, and... and I'm sorry

it ended up in a great big fight.

Christmas is all about big fights.

My mama used to say, "Christmas ain't

Christmas till somebody cries."

Usually that someone's me.

There is no right way to

do Christmas. You just do it.

Yeah, with lobsters!

- And eggnog!

- And cheese!

- And family.

- Yeah. And family.

So now even though you

drive me a genius at times...

Yes, Robbie, I'm lookin' at you.

...it would mean a lot to me if

you'd all come back and join us.

OK, I guess I deserved that.

Don't push your luck.

They got you good, Leopold!

That wasn't even funny!

Who did that?

Well, that's the last time

of the space rock bands.

Sorry, but this is my spot. I never get

the good spots, so I specifically...

So now we are Aleutian Zero,

Aleutian Zero is rock band, yes?

- Yes, siree.

- You got it, sir.

- This is funny then, yes?

- Oh yeah.

- This is funny.

- Yes, siree.

- Yep, that's a good one.

- Goodnight, everyone.

- It's time for lights out.

- We can't go to sleep yet.

We haven't heard a bedtime story. Right?

Leopold, yeah!

All right. All right.

Don't need this.

OK.

'Twas the night before Christmas

Not a blue penguin did creep

As a mother and one of the babies

played kazoo in their sleep.

Now, the sight of the house would

make any Untouchable droop

For 'twas sickeningly sweet

as unicorn poop

Yet who was arriving

to help this lost cause?

The shortage, the musculature

and enjoyable Untouchable Claus

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