The Circuit Page #3

Speaking of China, we actually do

a lot of business with the Chinese.

A LOT of business.

Oh, so they buy a lot of...?

Bullets, yeah.

It's mostly them and Texas.

Doesn't it bother you, though?

I mean, making bullets?

Yeah, well, the way I see it...

those guns need bullets.

Danny, would you like another drink?

He HAS a drink, Helene.

You want to know an industry

that really kills people?

The music industry.

What, more than the arms industry?

Girl bands, yeah.

Historically.

Did you have a bad time

in Bananarama?

Well, I got out in time, but you

can't survive that sh*t twice.

Are you having a good time,

Danny?

These are all lovely, lovely people.

Gabe is a rock climber.

I'm not.

How was work?

Danny, is everything going well

there?

Oh, well, yeah, actually.

Because I just handed in my notice.

No, really? Yeah.

I was sitting there,

staring at a spreadsheet,

again, and I suddenly thought,

"I hate my job."

So I got up, walked into Martin

and just...

handed in my notice.

Wow. Sh*t.

Gabe also doesn't have a job.

That's another thing you have

in common.

It's the first thing we have

in common.

Yeah, what did bring you guys here?

We said, didn't we? Yeah.

No. No, you didn't say.

Well, it's actually a funny story.

You want to tell it or...?

You go ahead.

So, we were looking for somewhere

to go.

Yeah. Couldn't decide.

Yeah, we're looking at places

and going, "is this us?"

"Is this us?" sort of thing.

And then we found this website.

Road traffic gov... Dot gov...

Dot gov sort of thing.

And it turns out that this area

has the lowest incidence

of traffic fatalities in the entire

EU. Yeah.

So...

So we moved here.

Sorry, my English is not so...

Did you say this was a funny story?

Well, maybe not funny ha-ha,

more funny...

peculiar.

Danny, do you understand

why this is a funny story?

Well, yeah. It's...

interesting.

In my country, this would not be

interesting, but then,

we don't ask questions about prawns

either, so I accept what you say.

- Would you like some more strawberries?

- Oh, no, no. But that was great...

Or some ice cream? I could get you

some ice cream...

No, no, I'm stuffed.

We have a little rum baba?

Would you like a little rum baba?

For Christ's sake, Helene, he

doesn't want any rum f***ing baba.

Stop dribbling down his neck

like a f***ing vampire,

and leave the poor bastard alone.

Nat, would you help me

with the cheese?

What? Will you give me a hand in the

kitchen with the cheese?

Oh, yeah. Yeah, of course.

Cheese.

Danny?

Have you seen the new bathroom?

No. No, I haven't.

What? We'll go show you.

Yeah, yeah, it's nice.

It's nice. It's got... Taps and...

Gabe?

Oh, yeah. Course.

Gabe?

You know what?

I'll let you get on.

I'm not sure if that's such

a good idea.

Nor am I.

But I know what I'm doing.

Bathroom's great, Danny.

You'll love it.

I have something to tell you.

There is no cheese.

Oh. Right.

Sh*t. Yes.

I brought you in here

because I don't want there

to be any secrets between us.

And I think you will agree,

we're going to be very close.

No, yes.

What would you say if I told you

that Sasha had an ex-wife

tucked away?

I'd say...

Yeah?

Look.

Helene.

Come on!

Sasha is very in love with you.

I know,

I've only see you fight and shout at

each other and call each other

sh*t names, but you fight with

a lot of passion. And you have...

You have a lovely home.

And your goulash is terrific.

So, come on!

Sasha has an ex-wife.

And his ex-wife lives in Dorset.

Oh, what a c*nt.

I don't know if you think that I'm

some kind of arsehole or not...

OK, we don't know each other.

But this thing with Helene,

I mean...

You're on a hiding to nowhere,

there.

I'm not trying to interfere,

but if you just step back from...

Thank you for your advice.

Why don't you go and look

at the bathroom?

Come on, mate. Mate? Come on.

Don't be all... You know,

let's just...

Let's talk to each other.

You want to talk?

With me? Yeah.

I saw a little old lady get dragged

off a train today

because I didn't step in,

now I just want to...

So why didn't you?

What? Why didn't you step in?

Why didn't you pay for her ticket?

Well, that's not my point.

Well, it's my point.

That lady, who is an illegal

immigrant, by the way... Well...

Is now on her way back to Zhengzhou

having her anal cavity probed

because you wouldn't shell out

?8.50? No.

It was peak, it would have been...

You see,

you look at me,

and you make a big set

of assumptions.

Oh, works in the city, eats meat,

big cock...

Actually, I hadn't.

I have an artistic side.

Did you know that?

No. Why?

Because you don't look.

You can't see past

your own stupid nose.

No, I hadn't...

The world isn't nice, Gabe.

It's big bastards

eating little bastards.

It's baby children in sweatshops

cleaning out your MacBook Air

with their little fingers,

because you want them to.

I don't want them to.

Yeah, you do, you tight-fisted liar.

Look, have I upset you?

You ask what kind of person

you would be

if the Gestapo marched into town.

I'll tell you what kind

of person you'd be.

You'd be kneeling on people's chests

and ripping out their gold teeth

with pliers so you can get

a new iPhone.

No, I wouldn't.

You'd be a Nazi.

You're a f***ing Nazi.

I'm not a Nazi!

I've got Tony Benn's autobiography.

Yeah, but you haven't read it,

have you?

You haven't read a single word.

You see this?

You see this? This is who I am.

This is me. Uh-huh?

I don't know what I'm looking at...

It's art. I do art.

Oh, what, that surprises you?

I make... I make these.

They're ashtrays.

And I make them.

But they're made of wood.

Of course they're made

of f***ing wood!

That's the art bit. Uh-huh.

It's an ashtray that you cannot use,

it's a f***ing statement.

How can I compete with what

he has in Dorset?

What are you talking about?

You can compete. I can't.

It's too much of a pull for him.

He would rather be there, I know it,

I know it in my heart.

Right.

Listen to me.

If that were true, I would be

the first to say to you,

"F*** him."

You do not have to stand for that,

you are a beautiful and powerful

woman with some great recipes

and a beautiful house,

and if that piece of sh*t can't see

that, then I'd say, I'd say,

"f***ing pick up that bottle there,

"go in and smack him over the head

with it," but...

No.

No, wait, wait for the but!

Let's have a moment.

Let's talk. Let's talk!

But! Listen to the but!

No, Nat. This is the best advice

I have ever been given.

I'm going to kill him!

Helene! I'm bleeding.

I'm F***ING bleeding!

Oh,

Jesus f***ing Christ.

You told her to do what?

To smack him with the bottle,

but I wasn't... Jesus Christ!

I said "but"!

And you're drinking.

Yeah, I'm f***ing drinking!

Look at these people!

What are we doing here?

We shouldn't be here with these

people. We should be in Strood.

We can't be in Strood.

Why can't we? You know why.

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes