The Con Is On

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1

[bells tolling]

[footsteps]

[organ music playing]

[footsteps]

[organ music ends]

What the f***

you doin' here?

Where's Irina?

She sent me instead.

Let's look at the package.

Give this to Irina,

and don't f*** it up.

[liquid sloshing in mixing cup]

It's about f***in' time.

Where the hell you been?

- I was at church.

- Oh.

- Hello, darling.

- Hello, darling.

How'd it go?

- [woman] Hmm.

- [man] Ooh.

I see it went well.

- Irina will be pleased.

- Very.

- Fancy a bump?

- Just a tiny one.

Maybe I'll borrow a little cash.

Irina won't miss a grand or two.

[liquid pouring]

May I?

[orchestral music playing]

[clattering]

[gunshot]

[beads clattering]

[cash register rings]

[music ends]

[woman] Psst!

- Psst!

- [sipping]

- Psst!

- Ahh...

Psst!

Psst!

Hi there, handsome.

What's your name, sexy?

F*** off.

All right, mate.

All right, mate.

- Oi, Harry.

- [moans]

- [sighs] Have we landed?

- No, we haven't f***in' landed.

I'm being accosted

by a tanning booth.

This flight's

a f***in' nightmare.

I've been abused,

and I've paid for the privilege.

Why do we have to go

to Los Angeles?

It's the safest place

we could possibly be.

I mean, she'll be looking for us

in every hotel bar in London.

Oh, she'll do.

She'll hunt us down.

She'll find us.

She'll torture us.

Me first.

She's never liked me

for some reason.

Here. Take this.

You'll feel much better.

- [man] What was that?

- I don't know.

- Xanax, possibly.

- Oh, right.

[slow guitar music]

[man]

Los Angeles is horrible.

It's like a theme park

built on a fault line.

Shh!

No, no.

[chuckles] Right.

Bye, love.

Oh, yeah,

who was that then?

Now, darling,

don't get upset.

It was Sidney, wasn't it?

I might have known.

- He's an old friend.

- He's an evil old pederast.

[man] If we're gonna see Sidney,

I need a f***in' drink.

I'm as dry

as a schoolgirl's knickers.

[bell tolling]

Once again,

I'm being asked to prostitute myself

for the sake of a criminal venture.

All I'm asking is that you take

one for the team, all right?

It's your own fault for being

so bloody beautiful, isn't it?

- Here. Take this.

- I already took one.

- Take another one.

- All right.

And take one of these.

All right.

[organ music playing]

Go in peace, my child.

[footsteps echoing]

[chuckling]

- Well, well, let me drink you in.

- [Harry] Sidney.

My dear, dear Harry.

And, my own boy.

[chuckles] Oh, my. Haven't

we been filling out, hmm?

When I think back to how scrawny

you were when we first met.

Like a little bird, a fledgling.

And now, look at you.

Proud cock.

I do hope you've forgiven

your Uncle Sidney

for that little mishap

in Turkey?

I couldn't bear to think of you

being angry with me.

Of course he's forgiven you.

It was only for a few months.

I can't even imagine the horrors you

were subjected to in that sordid jail.

I want you to tell me all about it.

Every little detail, hmm?

All the ins and outs.

[Harry]

Sidney? We need a word.

Yes. This way, my pets.

- [Harry] He's new.

- Yes, the last one split.

[Sidney] You know, I don't think I've seen

you since Istanbul. It's been an age.

What have you been doing

with yourself?

Well, you know,

this and that.

Import, export.

A little poker. How are you?

Oh, much the same.

Still battling

this interminable ennui.

You know, life is simply

insupportable without you, Harry.

- Well, I'm back.

- So I see.

- Staying with us long, I hope?

- F***, no.

- That depends.

- [knock on door]

[door opens]

- A package has arrived.

- Thank you, Kim Kim.

Sidney...

- We need some work.

- [man] And money.

- Shed loads of money.

- So I heard.

How much do you owe Irina,

in fact?

So you know about it, do you?

[chuckling] Yes.

She is making

rather a fuss, you know.

[Harry]

Is she? I can't imagine why.

[scoffs] I borrowed a little

from her at poker.

Nothing, really.

You know how it is.

[lounge music playing]

[pound notes rustling]

[music ends]

[ominous music playing]

[shot glass shatters]

- Where is she?

- Get us some drinks, luv?

- Drink?

- Yeah. Get us a round of drinks.

- Yeah, you want?

- Yeah.

Okay. I get.

[people screaming]

[surf guitar music playing]

[door opens]

- [door closes]

- [engine revs]

Irina put a price

on your head.

You were aware of that,

I take it?

I never knew she cared.

Oh, I think we can both agree that

that just isn't true, is it, darling?

And as for you.

You're a very naughty boy.

I have a good mind to put you over my

knee and give you a very sound spanking.

But as it is, I do have a small amount

of opium that needs delivering.

Really? How small?

Oh, uh...

A comfortable amount.

- [Harry] We'll do it for 50.

- [Sidney] Thirty-five.

Forty.

[sighs] I'm so weak.

Because I love you, Harry.

The, uh, usual method,

do you think?

Of course.

Gorgeous.

I'm not doing it.

Certainly not

for 40 f***in' grand.

I mean it. I'm not doing it.

[sighs]

We need the money, darling.

I've had so many things

stuffed up my ass,

I might as well get a boyfriend

and move to San Francisco.

Don't be such a baby. It'll

be over before you know it.

Quite frankly,

we have no f***ing choice.

[Irina]

Where is she?

[man]

I've not seen her in months.

Don't f***in' lie to me.

I am not.

That b*tch still owes me.

Money.

From a game in Hackney.

When you find her,

you can tell her that.

[telephone ringing]

- Yes?

- Irina, my angel.

[speaking Russian]

How are you?

[sighs] What do you want?

Well, it's been such

a long time, hasn't it?

I'd been meaning to call you up and

have a nice little chat with you.

But where does time go, hmm?

Where do you think?

Sidney, I'm busy.

Well, this won't take long.

I understand that you're

looking for a certain person,

and that you're prepared

to pay a very handsome price.

Hold on.

[grunts]

[clears throat]

Talk to me.

[jazz music playing]

[Harry]

We need a hotel.

[man] We need a better

plan than drugs up my bum.

- Welcome to the Chateau Marmont.

- Thank you.

- [grunts]

- [tires screech]

Stop! Stop!

- Oh, my God! I am...

- You nearly killed him!

- I am so sorry.

- Darling, are you all right?

- He could've killed me.

- Where's the manager?

Uh, this way, please.

I...

I only hope this suite

goes some way

towards making up

for this unfortunate accident.

It'll do.

And call a doctor.

- I need some painkillers.

- [man] Right away, sir.

Send us a personal shopper, will you?

We seem to have misplaced our clothes.

[man] Absolutely.

Chop-chop. On you go.

[music playing]

[sighs]

Fix us a drink, darling.

We're supposed to be going

on f***in' holiday.

[Harry] We've gone abroad, haven't we?

It's what you wanted.

Los Angeles is not holiday.

It's a f***in' lobotomy.

And being hunted down by Joseph Stalin

is far from relaxing. Gin and tonic?

Lovely. What do you think?

F***in' whore.

That's not the look

I was going for, but...

No. Not you. It's Jackie. Look.

[Harry] Oh.

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