The Cook, the Thief, His Wife & Her Lover Page #5

- She must have a bladder infection.

- She's one of us.

There's nothing wrong

except she disappears to the John.

And which of the bladder infections

do you have, Starkie?

Ladies go to the toilet, not the john.

Real ladies don't go to the toilet,

they go to the bathroom.

- Boarst hasn't got a bathroom.

- Shut your mouth.

You'd pee in your pants

before you'd recognise a respectable WC.

So, he's broken the silence for us

and your name is Georgina.

Yes. And don't ever call me Georgie.

You have beautiful eyes, Georgina.

And you have a beautiful prick,

Mr Gynaecologist.

- I have?

- Yes, whatever its racist beliefs.

- Your husband is a curiosity.

- He is?

Why?

Why what?

Why am I married to him?

Why aren't you married?

- How do you know I'm not?

- You're not.

- I'm not.

- Why?

I once saw a film in which the

main character didn't speak

for the first half an hour.

Like us?

Do all the minutes we've been together

add up to half an hour?

I was completely absorbed as to what would

happen because anything was possible.

And then?

He spoilt it - he spoke.

- And?

- Within five minutes, I'd lost interest.

So now you've opened your mouth,

do you expect me to lose interest?

It was only a film.

Erm, now, we've been talking for one minute.

We've got four minutes left

before you lose interest.

Four minutes. That's enough.

Where's the bomb?

He's, er... He's eating

avocado vinaigrette and prawns.

With his fingers.

Kiss me.

- Your restaurant's noisy, Spica.

- It's popular on a Sunday night.

I like a quiet restaurant, with floor shows.

Boarst is a culinary artist,

not a fancy entertainer.

But we're here to please you, Terry.

We'll get you a floor show.

Cory, phone Santini. Five girls - strippers.

Make it decent, will you?

My daughter's present.

Five dancing girls with music.

Strictly no filth, only class.

And make it quiet.

I want to keep my ears till I'm 90.

God, Terry, what sort of floor show

do you like? Mute nuns?

If they call me Mr Fitch, I might.

I'm only Terry to my wife, Spica.

- Like me.

- You're Terry and all, are you?

- I'm only Albert to Georgina.

- Even when she's in the loo?

- Shut your whore up, Cory!

- God, you're noisy, Spica.

Makes for indigestion.

Don't you find, love? What's your name?

Patricia, Mr Fitch.

Are you a good dancer?

You look as if you might be a good dancer.

We'd like to see you get up

and dance, with Geoff.

Geoff's a very good dancer.

- There's no dancing allowed.

- I always eat at home.

- Best place.

- No food poisoning.

Ricky Boarst is as safe as houses.

He keeps a very clean kitchen, go and see.

I'd like to see.

- Mitchel, take the lady to see the kitchen.

- I'll take her myself, Spica.

- Show me the way.

- Through that door.

I'll call in the bathroom

and send Georgie back tout de suite.

That means immediately.

- Your new girlfriend's cheap, Cory.

- She's only practising her French.

It's a French restaurant, isn't it?

Someone's having pheasant for dinner.

One, two, three, four, five, six, seven...

We could be interrupted, um... 700 times.

What's your boyfriend

paying you, Patricia?

Paying me? He doesn't pay me.

He buys me meals and drinks.

- Doesn't he give you no pocket money?

- No.

Nothing for a tuna fish sandwich

late at night or a bottle of gin

- to make you forget what you had for lunch?

- No.

It stinks here.

Listen, how about if...

if I gave you some pocket money?

What do I have to do to earn it?

OK, here they are. Where's Fitch?

Phillipe, clear those tables.

We need more space.

- But Mr Spica, they are eating.

- Move them.

You are in the way of the floor show.

You're gonna have to move.

We're in the middle of our meal.

If you're going to eat quite quickly,

you can finish your soup.

After all, you don't want

to get trampled on, do you?

Hold him. Hold him.

It's a pity you didn't take my advice.

All that lovely food.

Richard will be disappointed.

Now, you're gonna have to eat in the kitchen

like naughty little children, eh?

Hey, what is your name?

What did you say?

Did I hear you say William?

Well, naughty little Willie,

tiny little Willie,

how would you like

to be spanked on your big, fat bottom?

Seeing as you're so keen

on Richard's mushrooms, William,

you, I'm gonna give you five,

the count of five

and I want to see you

on the way to the kitchen

or you'll be out in the street!

Get out.

I am waiting, I am waiting

Come up with something sometime now

We're only here for love...

- Oh, look at the time. I must go back.

- One minute more.

- No.

- 30 seconds.

Oh! Oh!

Oh. What the hell are you doing?

I bought meself a ride.

Why don't you keep still?

Sorry, I had a surprise.

What bloody surprises

could there be possibly left for you?

I give up, you b*tch.

I'm sick of jumpy whores.

You're only worth a Fitch one star -

that ain't for looks,

that's for availability.

I am waiting

I am waiting

Come up with something sometime now

We're only here for love

Outside the reach of money

Beyond the reach of fame

We're not for buying or lending out...

Look who's just come out of the woodwork.

Be quick and be tight

And be it not and be right

Then be slow and...

- What've you been doing?

- I've just been earning you good money.

And I've just seen

how we can earn ourselves some more.

Then go.

We have complaints

of offensive smells

from two vans on the restaurant premises.

The restaurant denies any responsibility.

Over.

Why can't we meet somewhere else?

That's impossible.

It's better to do it under his nose.

He'll never believe I do it

right under his nose

between courses,

between the hors d'oeuvres

and the canard l' orange,

between the dessert and the coffee.

Besides,

I'm learning fast

how to cut corners, save time.

I'm getting good at it, aren't I, Michael?

Aren't I?

Aren't I getting good at it? Aren't I?

Aren't I getting good at it?

Aren't I getting good at it? Oh.

Last night was bloody awful

and you're to blame, Cory.

- Tonight you'll starve.

- I don't like the foreign muck anyway.

Don't talk to me like that,

you uneducated prat!

You couldn't organise

a rape in a brothel!

The girls were lousy, the music was lousy,

you mucked the whole thing up.

Couldn't keep your own girl

under control at all. Tch!

- First she shows off...

- I didn't.

Shut your face, who's talking to you?

Then she goes and plays hard to get.

I mean, if she's been with you, Cory,

how the hell can she be hard to get?

Spangler, get us a drink, quickly.

Then she upsets Fitch in some way.

- Fitch is a pig.

- Fitch has got manners.

He was like a bear with a sore head.

Did you piss in his pants?

Then she's giggling like a virgin

playing with a candle.

You'll have to make it up to him.

He likes you, though you look like a bloke.

- Perhaps he likes blokes.

- None of that homosexual talk.

He'll remember.

Yesterday evening's got my name on it.

I'm not going with him.

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