The Curiosity of Chance Page #2

channelling deceased torch singers,

such as:
Rosemary Clooney, Dionne Warwick

and Ethel Merman.

Care to explain that one?

I'd rather not, it's personal.

And quite frankly,

I don't remember because

I'm not 'au courant' when it happens.

There's one thing you will have to explain:

your locker.

Destruction of school property

is a severe offense.

As it should be.

But my question to you would be this:

what branch of logic do you cleave to

that would explain why I

would destroy my own locker?

The first day of school

is often filled with rage...

especially for transfer students.

V-P Smelker runs a tight ship here

at Brickland High.

Her tolerance is low for wiseacres.

And even lower for weirdoes.

CAPEESH?!

I was unaware that overweight women from the

Eastern block used words like 'capeesh'.

Then Mrs. Zito split us into groups.

I'm in the 'Alligators' for math and science.

And where do the Alligators rank?

Starts with an 'A', Sir. Duh! Tippy-top.

Outstanding. Excellent!

What's that doing on the table?

Chance wore it to school today.

What next, a dress?

My dad.

A man who never met a rule

he didn't try out at least once...

or a firearm.

What kind of reaction do you get when

you show up with something like that on?

It varies.

The people behind me get upset because

they can't see the blackboard...

Due to the hat.

Mostly, they just miss the point.

Which is what, exactly?

That my chosen expression of

individualism should be embraced,

not ridiculed.

Someone hit him in the head

with a tennis ball.

Then he got sent

to the Vice Principal

after a bully called him

a homosexual.

Sienna,

my real sister with the fake accent.

I tell her everything and, quite often,

live to regret it.

Why did they send you

to the principal's office for that?

Long story.

She already has it out for me though.

She's also one of the largest women

I've ever seen...

like circus-large.

I'm sure if she were to grow a beard,

which I'm quite certain she's capable of-

Chance,

understood.

Sounds like

you had a rough day, Cadet.

But I think you forgot

rule number one,

which is:
when kids call you names,

you stand up for yourself

like a man.

I think he needs more R-T-T.

Retrograde Tactical Training?

Roger that.

What did you enjoy most about that?

Jujitsu.

Aye!

When I was nine.

'Kids' aren't calling me names.

One of them, Brad Harden,

called me 'homo-breath,'

but he started off with 'f*ggot'.

Chance,

you know I don't like to hear

that word in this house.

As opposed to just living with one?

Getting settled in?

Listen Chance,

a unit is only as strong

as its weakest link.

It's my job to shore up the links.

Do you understand?

Chance,

understood?

Lights out soon.

I said come back here right now.

Don't walk away from me,

we're not done discussing this!

Well, I'm done discussing it!

Did you ever think that playing football

is not the answer to everything?

Then explain to me how you're

gonna pay for your tuition!

How are you gonna pay

for your studies?!

You think its me

who's gonna pay for that!

I don't care,

I'll figure something out!

Don't blow this

football scholarship, Lee.

Start figuring that out and soon!!

Sometimes life has a strange way of giving

you EXACTLY what you want.

And then making you pay,

dearly.

So, does your dad keep like,

guns and artillery at home?

Uh, affirmative.

The hand-grenades are stored

in the dining buffet

and he only loads the semi-automatics,

but we feel very safe.

Are you trying to piss me off on purpose?

Because sittin' here

with you two losers is doing

nothing for my reputation.

And, for the record...you are poison.

And you're... plain toxic.

Well, your reputation, from what

I observe, is pretty much non-existent.

So at least being seen with us,

you have fumes of relevance.

It's a step up in my book.

Do you smell that?

Students...

On the bench Miss Tiller.

Tables are not chairs.

Mr. Hudson,

open your briefcase please.

Why?

A general inspection.

This is private property.

That's illegal search and seizure.

Not on this campus.

This school is beholden

to a different law:

'V-P Smelker's Law.'

OPEN IT!

What happened to your eye?

Nothing,

why do you inquire?

Could you move those?

Ahh, I missed

the first two days of class...

Ms. Hughes said you

were the only solo left.

Guess that makes us lab partners.

Well, I pride myself on being the last

chosen, not only in sports,

but in combustible experiments as well.

I'm Levi.

Uh, Chance Marquis.

Chance. C-H-A-N-C-E. Chance.

I think we're neighbors...

I don't suppose you'd believe

I have an identical twin brother

who looks exactly like me...

I can show you how to rig your

cable box for the porn channels.

Hey, forget about it -

I already have. Okay?

I wish my ex-girlfriend looked at me

like that a couple of times, though.

What happened to your eye?

Nothing.

Why?

Hey, Cinderfella,

the women's locker room

is on the other side.

Oh! Um...

Listen up sporty-type-fellas.

Look, I'm doing a piece on the team

for the paper and was really, really

hoping for some interviews?

You breakin' my no-talk rule again?

Why do you have to defy me? Huh?!

Call me a masochist.

I'll call you a douche-bag,

'cuz that's what you are.

Listen up!

As the team captain,

I'm giving a direct order here...

Nobody talks to the douche-bag

about our team.

You got it?

Not one word, okay?

How come?

Well, you see Gus man...

that's why I'm here.

To think when your brain pauses.

You don't want homosexuals

in your head.

Give 'em a crack and

you're listenin' to 'Sister Christian'

and jerking off

to pictures of Patrick Swayze!

Night Ranger's gay?

Well, who knows man,

but that f***in' song is!

Patrick Swayze pictures?

Or Rick Springfield,

you know whoever!

Look, the point is...

he'll just write some girlie article

that'll make us look like girls!

I'm sorry fruit-fly,

but that's the way the fudge is packed.

Why do you let him call you those names?

Well, where I show anger and agitation over

his derogatory comments regarding what I am,

I bequeath him power, no?

And I've deduced that since Brad's intelligence

hovers only slightly above that of burnt toast,

why give him that kind of control over me?

The 'Split Infinitives' ladies and gentlemen.

Not bad, huh?

A back-beat would help.

Drummer's taking a leak.

What do you think?

Ah, I... I think,

Foreigner songs

are better left to... Foreigner?

That wasn't Foreigner.

Do you ever cover the Carpenters?

Karen has a lovely voice.

Hey! What's the f*ggot doing here?

Your band is dreadful.

But they're actually

a lot better without you!

A real cute kid.

Take a chill-pill,

you'll totally smell her before

she gets within 50 yards.

A hundred if we're downwind.

She's in my nightmares.

She IS my nightmares...

Hey, you guys wanna go into

the city this weekend?

I have this day-long photo project,

what I have to do, see,

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