The D Train

---

Check. Check.

Check. Check.

- Hey, Dan.

-Jerry.

- New sign?

-Same sign, Jerry.

New suction cups. Come on.

JERRY:
No.

l was actually calling about the reunion,

you know,

'cause it's right around the corner.

...from Barkledge High School. ls this...

...well, I...

Herbert Farberjust hung up on me.

Jesus, dude,

how many times have you been married?

Well, bring 'em all.

May I speak with Jeff Suttleson, please?

Jeff? Dan Landsman.

From high school. The D Man.

No? Nothin'?

Neil Boitress, D Money. (CHUCKLES)

Dan Landsman.

It was a nickname.

Everyone used to call me that.

Yes, they did. They definitely did.

Class of '94? Yes, there we go.

No, I don't think I still suck.

Yes, it's that time.

(LAUGHS)

Twenty years. Can you believe it?

Well, we sent out a paper invitation

and followed that up with an e-vite,

and a link to the Facebook page.

0h, you did'? Great!

But you're not... Got it.

There seemed to be

a little indecision in your voice.

I'm gonna see if I could flip you.

Flip you to a yes. Okay.

That's not very mature.

(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)

-(GATE SLAMS)

-DAN:
Whoops!

Craig? Randy?

- DAN:
So...

-l'm up for beers.

What are you guys doing?

You guys grabbing beers, or...

Yeah, I don't think...

I'm gonna head home myself.

Yeah. So...

-(CAR BEEPS)

-Maybe next time.

- CRAIG:
Yeah, yeah.

-RANDY:
All right, buddy.

- Okay.

-Probably next time.

OKHY-

- RANDY:
Yeah, I'll call you.

-(DOOR CLOSES)

MAN 1:
(on RADIO)

Well, I'm askin' you what the...

What is the future of Pirates' baseball?

MAN 2:
The problem is

here in Pittsburgh we know that we can't

spend as much on salary,

so they constantly have guys

that they develop, that leave Pittsburgh.

MAN 1:
Well, you know what?

You can't bring Dave Parker back.

You can? bring back Willie Slargell.

You gotta go with what got you there.

You gotta go with prospects.

Do you think McCulchen is enough

to lead this team to a World Series?

(SIGHS HEAVILY)

(CUTLERY CLINKING)

They invite you for drinks?

No.

Did you tell them that you wanted to

go like we talked about?

- Yeah. They just weren't goin' tonight.

-Oh.

I thought they said that last time,

but then you drove by

and you saw them.

Yeah, well,

they weren't doing that this time.

Zach, wanna

tell your dad about your new girlfriend?

- Girlfriend?

-She's not my girlfriend.

Just heard this girl, Heather, likes me.

STACEY:
She's older.

I told him he should ask her out.

You think I should?

(INHALES DEEPLY)

Hmm.

I'd do a little more investigating.

These girls usually like older guys.

I think that's what

I'm bumpin' up against.

You know, put some feelers out there.

I did. And her friend said it's true.

Yeah, well, you never know.

I mean, the friend could be lying.

Why would she lie?

Well, what if it's a prank

planned by all the girls at school

to get you to ask her out

and then they all laugh

and make fun of you?

- Dan!

-What?

I'm just preparing him

for certain realities of high school.

(PHONE RINGING)

WOMAN:
Good morning.

Shurmur Consulting. May I help you?

- No...

-(GROANS)

DAN:
Come on.

-(SCROLL WHEEL WHIRRING)

-(RAPID CLICKING)

Come on!

-(BEEPING)

-(KEYS CLACKING)

BILL; What the f*** is this?

Where are they? I don't get this.

Bill, have you got a second?

0h, yeah, Daniel, come on in.

(SIGHING) I hate

to bring this up again,

but the Internet connection

is so beyond frustrating.

- What do you mean, the cord?

-No, not the cord.

The speed.

We got to get with it, you know.

- That's why we lost the Harkin account.

-No.

I went to high school with Dale Harkin,

and he won't work with us?

The reason we lost the Harkin account

is 'cause Dale's dad is a liar.

Dale's dad is a perjurer.

And he wants things faster. He emails.

I've been doing this job for 40 years

without a computer, and I'm doing fine.

Okay, but what happened

to the Bill Shurmur

I always wanted to work for'?

The Bill Shurmur

who always loved calchin' that big fish.

(SIGHS) Daniel, I get it. I hear you.

I just don't have the funds

for these toys. (SIGHS)

I can't. Don't do that. Thafs not fair.

Come here.

All right, you're my guy.

You know that, right?

Yeah, but...

And you've been telling me

to think bigger for years,

but I need to

have a little more cashola first,

and then, I promise you,

the Dan Plan is a go. I promise you.

(BLOWS RASPBERRY)

Get out of here.

(SIGHS)

MAN:
(ON TV)

Now on sale at Cabinets To Go.

We've got solid wood,

high-quality kitchen cabinets

with features like

self-closing European-style hardware,

dovetail joints,

and guaranteed moisture...

Come on in. You'll find the quality...

The ocean and the sun.

Both beautiful, both deadly.

Now, the ocean,

I can keep that safe pretty easily.

But the sun...

(COMMERCIAL REWINDS)

The ocean and the sun.

Both beautiful, both deadly.

(CRICKETS CHIRPING)

DAN:
Stacey?

Honey?

OLIVER:
This is my beach.

And I need to protect it.

Now, the ocean,

I can keep that safe pretty easily.

But the sun,

(CHUCKLES)

I leave that to Banana Boat

triple defense sunscreen for men.

(BABY CRYING)

(SIGHS)

What?

You didn't notice anything there?

I don't know what we're looking for.

F***ing Lawless! Oliver Lawless.

- From high school?

-Yes, from high school.

On a national commercial.

He did it. He made it!

Zach, that was one of

Daddy's good friends.

- ZACH:
Really?

-STACEY:
(SIGHS) No, it was not.

- He was a friend.

-This is what you woke us up for?

God damn it, Dan!

It's gonna take me half an hour

to put her back to bed.

Go to sleep, Zach, please.

All right.

STACEY:
Jesus!

Let's watch it one more time.

OLIVER:
...sunscreen for men.

Hey, Dad, can I ask you about Heather?

Not now, Zach, we're watching.

We've seen i1 a bunch now.

It's crazy, right?

- Yeah, I guess.

-You guess?

What? Right?

How many of your close buddies

are on a national TV spot, come on.

And I'm recording.

(CELL PHONE CHIMES)

OLIVER:
...the ocean and the sun...

Nope. No, no, no, stop.

You got to stafl earlier,

then hit play, then exit,

so the bar goes away before it starts.

Okay, let's do it again. Run it back.

Back it up, and give me some volume.

- Mom said that I...

-Don't worry about Mom.

I'll handle Mom. Come on, Zach.

One more time, we're so close.

And play-

Banana Boat.

The only boat en route

to protecting your skin.

(WOMAN SCREAMING)

- Excuse me.

Good?

(EXCLAIMS)

Zachary! (GRU NTS)

Hang up the phones.

Hang up the phones.

OKHY-

- Boop!

-Jesus Christ!

What are you doing?

And...boop.

- RANDY:
Uh... What the f***?

-l'll tell you what the f***, Randy.

D-Fresh has an idea.

- Who's D-Fresh?

-lt's me, Jerry. Focus.

I have an idea.

It's gonna take this thing

to the next level.

And get every single person

from our class to RSVP "yes."

How?

Taj, bring up the reunion

Facebook page for me, please.

Everyone gather around.

- Gather around?

-Come on. Chop chop.

MAN:
Why? Why would we do that?

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