The Decoy Bride Page #2

think of this before.

I'm sorry we can't have

friends and family.

But this is so special, isn't it?

It's perfect. And it's just us.

Let's go in. I have to see the

Hall of a Million Feathers.

- Should we? - Yes, you really

should. It's quite something.

Do you like your room?

We had 40 master craftsmen

working through the night.

- One of them was 80. - Why didn't you

just tell her I made it all up?

When Lara wants to go to the

Big Rock Candy Mountain,

I don't take her to Elm Street.

This is your first time

on Hegg, isn't it?

You Googled the entire book.

You're the first person ever

to have a problem with that.

I need some air.

There are only seven people in

the world who know we're here.

Anybody asks, you're at

a marketing conference.

Keep your head down, and

wear a hat, Tolstoy.

If you can safely navigate

the many rabbit holes,

Hegg can be a great place to ramble.

And as the islanders say, if you

don't like the weather here,

just wait 20 minutes and maybe

you will. End of Chapter One.

Chapter Two:
Hegg's top hot spots.

The people of the island are rightly

proud of this ageing public amenity.

The ornate urinals are enamelled

in peacock colours,

while the cow-sized cubicle is...

genuinely frightening.

Laird.

Hello? Pretty sure that's

not a real cow.

Unless it's got hold of a kazoo.

- Sorry.

- Oh, no, no, really. I'm...

The laird of the island

has a similar hat.

Sorry to barge in on you, Mrs...

- Not Mrs.

- No, no. No.

I was just pretending to be

the ghost of this cow,

which, of course, sounds

completely mad.

Not at all.

Sorry. From the outside,

your home looks like it might

be open to the public.

My home?

You don't live here?

Not in this toilet, no.

Here we live in primitive dwellings

anthropologists like

to call houses.

Please forgive me. I've spent a

lot of time with... hermits.

For someone in marketing, you're

not very good at lying.

I'm still quite junior.

- Katie.

- I'm J...

John. John... son. John...

- John.

- John Johnson.

And I'm... I'm quite lost.

No wonder. That book isn't

right about anything.

You haven't read it. No one's read

it, not all the way through.

That's the only book ever

written about Hegg.

Everybody who can read has read it.

- The Hegg Book Club gave it four

out of ten. - Four out of ten?

We thought it picked

up around page 600.

The architecture of the book was

probably quite deliberate.

Wow, the Hegg Book Club

are a tough crowd.

Oh, and the love story? I

didn't buy that at all.

It was just soulless.

- Soulless? - Maybe his second

boo will be better.

- Is it out yet?

- Not yet, no.

God. It's been years. Either he's very,

very blocked or it's even longer

than that one. Can you imagine?

Do you want me to carry it for a bit?

Oh, no, no, no. You want Iona.

There's no monastery here.

No monks. No miracles.

- That's OK.

- But no free accommodation here.

I believe in God so-so, but I'm

also very interested in yoga.

- Hung jury, you see. So no

discount. - No problem.

I will pay upfront, in full.

To be fair, he had to make it up.

You could cover Hegg in a pamphlet

of about five pages.

OK, I know where I am now.

Look, you're here to work, obviously.

But if you ever fancy a coffee,

I just live at the B&B over...

down there, with my mother.

Just... I'm around most of the time,

and I'm a whole lot hotter than I look.

We've got so much...

marketing to do.

OK. This wasn't...

I wasn't... I don't any more.

I've gone vegan anyway.

Yeah.

Sorry.

Bye.

Room three.

Blessings.

It's a hobby. I hope to capture one

of your very rare birds on film.

We don't have any rare birds.

We have hedgehogs.

Yeah, well, I am here now.

I have just made the most unbelievable

- twat of myself.

- We have a guest.

- I don't trust this monk.

- People say they monkey around.

- I think he's a journalist.

- Why?

Are you taking your pills properly?

Chapter One Jackson Kandinsky awoke

from hot dreams of lost things

and adjusted his testicular implant.

I'm a whole lot hotter than I look.

Yeah?

Are you sure it's so terribly

unlucky to make love

the night before the wedding?

I hate it when you beg for sex.

You are staggeringly beautiful.

Starve me of yourself. Turn me concave

with caverns of longingness.

Oh, God. Did I write that? 'Longingness.'

It's not even a word.

No. That was just me saying

what I was thinking.

Oh, right. Sorry.

It finally got dark, then?

You're not a monk. And you're

not having my story.

Is that the Caledonian Press Agency?

Visualise your cellulite melting!

Come on! You're doing really well!

Oh, my God.

This is good. Feel the burn.

Lara?

When you say 'kind of

like missing... '?

She's... She's totally gone.

OK, she saw him. Did he see her?

I don't know. He's disguised

as a wizard.

Some kind of brown wizard. And he's

in a tree right by the chapel.

How does he do this?

He's amazing.

OK, he's in a tree. He wants

a photo of the happy couple.

Let's give it to him. We go through with

the wedding exactly as planned.

But with a stand-in. Ballani, convinced

he's at the real wedding,

takes his photo and leaves.

Then we go find Lara,

bring her back to the chapel

and do it all over again,

this time for real.

You are amazing also.

- I'll go and tell James? - Don't tell

that Googling leech anything.

If James finds out Lara is missing,

he's gonna go looking for her...

Oh, you're in here. Anais-Anais, I'm

gonna do my own hair this time.

- Because I know what I want.

- Fine.

Everything all right?

- Yay.

- Yay.

- Good luck.

- All right.

But if James doesn't know that Lara

is missing, how is that gonna work?

He has to think it's for real.

We need a decoy bride.

None of you are right.

Too tall, too black.

- I could do it.

- Don't be stupid.

Ballani knows you. He needs

to see you with James.

I just need somebody who can walk

Who was that awful girl?

- But I don't look anything like

Lara Tyler. - That's true,

but neither does she until these

ladies get their hands on her.

- Hi.

- We think you're full of potential.

- No. Sorry.

- 200.

I'm really not interested.

I'm off weddings.

500. It's not a real wedding.

Are they ever? I nearly bought

a wedding dress once.

- Cost the same as a Fiat Uno.

- 5,000.

Has somebody on the island

told you I'm a prostitute?

I'm really not interested, and

my mum'll be back in a while

and I said I'd cook her lunch, so...

One hour's improvisation. No

scenes of a sexual nature.

5,000. You can do something

really nice for your poor,

sick mother.

What the flipping heck are they?

I'm going to temporarily immobilise

your nasolabial folds.

- What are you doing?

- It's just like bleach.

- It'll make your hair lighter.

- No way.

She is not putting toilet

cleaner in my hair.

Don't be a diva.

No, no, no.

- Sorry.

- Hopeless.

Let's just make extra sure.

You're an Oscar nominee.

You ooze confidence.

You define poise. You're the face that

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