The Deported Trailor: The Spoof Trailor of the Departed

---

I don't wanna be a product

of my environment.

I want my environment

to be a product of me.

Years ago, we had the Church.

That was only a way

of saying we had each other.

But now, I don't know.

It's a funny thing.

It put hate in your heart.

The Knights of Columbus were

real head-breakers.

True guineas.

They took over their piece of the city.

Twenty years after an Irishman couldn't get

a f***ing job...

...we had the presidency.

May he rest in peace.

That's what the n*ggers don't realize.

If I got one thing

against the black chappies, it's this:

No one gives it to you.

You have to take it.

Vin, don't make me have

to come down here again for this.

Won't happen again, Mr. C.

Carmen's deveIoping

into a fine young Iady.

You shouId be proud.

You get your period yet, Carmen?

You Johnny SuIIivan's kid?

-You Iive with your grandmother?

-Yeah.

Vin, get him a coupIe Ioaves of bread,

coupIe haIf-gaIIons of miIk.

Do you Iike boIogna and cheese?

Give him some coId cuts.

Throw some mayo in.

You Iike comic books?

You do good in schooI?

-Yeah.

-That's good. I did too.

They caII that a paradox.

Just keep it. Buy yourseIf some makeup.

You ever wanna earn a IittIe extra money,

you come by L Street.

You know where I am on L Street?

Good.

-Good boy.

-Thanks.

To you, O Lord, we commend the souI

of AIphonsus, your servant.

In the sight of this worId,

he is now dead.

Forgive whatever sins he committed

through human weakness.

-Amen.

-The Church wants you in your place.

KneeI, stand, kneeI, stand.

If you go for that sort of thing,

I don't know what to do for you.

A man makes his own way.

No one gives it to you.

You have to take it.

-James Joyce.

-Smart, CoIin.

Guineas from the North End,

down Providence...

...tried to teII me what to do.

And something maybe happened to them.

Maybe Iike that:

Jeez. She feII funny.

Francis, you reaIIy shouId see somebody.

When you decide to be something,

you can be it.

That's what they don't teII you

in the Church.

When I was your age, they wouId say

we couId become cops or criminaIs.

Today what I'm saying to you is this:

When you're facing a Ioaded gun...

...what's the difference?

That's my boy.

TerminaI baIIistics is the study

of a projectiIe...

...as it hits a target

and the destruction that it causes.

Take, for instance, what you carry,

When the hoIIow-point hits the skuII,

what happens is it mushrooms.

When it mushrooms it peels back.

So you may have six, eight...

...ten IittIe particIes

of the buIIet that are Iike razor bIades--

Sir, yes, sir!

--tearing their internal organs,

their liver, their lungs, their heart...

...bringing tissue, bone, bIood,

brain matter, and that's caIIed a bIowback.

F*** you. F***ing queers.

Firemen getting p*ssy for the first time

in the history of fire or p*ssy.

Hey, go save a kitten in a tree,

you f***ing homos.

PenciIs.

Begin.

What are you Iooking at?

Forget it.

Your father was a janitor,

his son's onIy a cop.

Those f***ing firefighters are

a bunch of homos.

They are.

So she teIIs me, ''You never finish anything.

You finish the poIice course...

...you get taken care of again, baby.''

So after graduation, I get a bIowjob again.

That's great.

Your mother must be a wonderfuI woman.

F*** yourseIf.

Put it this way.

You're a bIack guy in Boston.

You don't need any heIp from me

to be compIeteIy f***ed.

The Massachusetts State PoIice

has a Iong tradition of exceIIence.

Your graduation today soIidifies

your acceptance...

...into one of the finest Iaw enforcement

agencies in our nation.

As the governor of the CommonweaIth

of Massachusetts, I am confident...

...each and every one of you wiII serve

with distinction, honor and integrity.

CongratuIations to aII our new troopers.

Thank you. You are dismissed.

SuIIivan, assigned to pIaincIothes right out

of the gate, congratuIations.

-We're going for a beer. You wanna come?

-No, I'II catch up with you guys.

SchooI's out.

Thank you, Frank.

You earned it.

No more penciIs, no more books.

AII right.

This is not the regular police...

-...this is the state police.

-And fire!

Your training will illustrate the difference.

State poIice, search warrant!

State poIice, open the door!

What's the difference?

-Go, go, go!

-Sir, yes, sir!

-Is that understood?

-Sir, yes, sir!

Move it, get the f*** down right now.

Get down, right now.

CongratuIations on passing

the detective's exam, and weIcome...

-...to the SpeciaI Investigation Unit.

-Whoop-de-f***ing-do.

We won't be working together,

that is, directIy.

You'II be working for Captain EIIerby,

but I Iike to see everybody.

You're a worker. You rise fast.

Like a 1 2-year-oId's dick.

-Thank you, sergeant.

-My pIeasure.

-Thank you, sir.

-Good Iuck.

-CongratuIations.

-Thanks, hon.

You can go in there now.

You can sit.

So....

Do you know what we do here?

My section?

-Yes, sir, I have an idea--

-Let's say you have no idea...

...and Ieave it at that, okay?

No idea. Zip. None.

If you had an idea what we do, we wouId

not be good at what we do, wouId we?

We wouId be c*nts.

Are you caIIing us c*nts?

Staff Sergeant Dignam

has a styIe of his own.

I'm afraid we aII have to get used to it.

So you have famiIy connections down

in Southie, right? Through your father?

Why don't you teII us

about your UncIe Jackie?

He was a carpet Iayer for Jordan Marsh.

UncIe Jackie was a smaII-time bookie

who tended bar at the Vets in SomerviIIe.

He got popped by Nicastro in '95.

We found his body out by the airport.

That's right.

-I remember his funeraI.

-Oh, good.

CIosed casket?

That's right.

So teII anybody up at DeerfieId--

Before you got kicked out for whaIing

on a gym teacher with a chair.

--you had an uncIe met his demise

Iike that?

I got a question.

How f***ed up are you?

Hi, DarIene.

What you got, staff sergeant?

In no time you made sergeant.

-SIU. What a country.

-Perfect.

Hey, I don't mind going it aIone.

You know, if you went aIone once

in a whiIe you might get somewhere.

We're cops, aII right?

This isn't somewhere.

AII right, Iookit, I know you're a worker.

Maybe I can do something for you.

You got any suits,

or do you Iike...

...coming to work dressed Iike

you're gonna invade PoIand?

You got quite the famiIy tree.

That maggot uncIe of yours...

...Tommy Costigan, is another goof.

He gets busted seIIing guns...

...to federaI officers, among many,

many, many other departures...

-...from our normative behavior.

-And what's this got to do with me?

Why are you pretending to be a cop?

This unit is new, and you are

the newest members of it.

You have been seIected for it

on the basis of inteIIigence and aptitude.

This is an eIite unit.

Our job is to smash

or marginaIIy disrupt...

...organized crime in this city...

...by enhanced cooperation

with the FBI...

...represented here today

by Agent Frank Lazio.

And we wiII do it.

And by organized crime in this city,

Rate this script:5.0 / 1 vote