The Disappointments Room

1

(MUSIC PLAYS IN CAR)

If you want

to know who we are

We are gentlemen of Japan

On many a vase and jar

On many a screen and fan

We figure in lively paint Our

attitude's queer and quaint

You're wrong if

you think it ain't

(CHUCKLES)

DAVID:
Hey, come on.

Embrace living

in the country.

Driving on the open road,

singing Gilbert and Sullivan.

What's more

American than that?

First of all,

Gilbert and Sullivan

were English.

I knew that.

You knew that.

Want me to put on

something else?

Before the mighty troops

The troops of Titipu!

No. Not on your life.

Before the mighty troops

The troops of Titipu!

(WINDSHIELD WIPERS THUMPING)

(RAIN PATTERING)

DAVID:
Isn't this cool?

We're actually using four-wheel drive.

Bet we're the only one of our

friends that can say that.

David, I'm wondering how the

trucks made it back here.

I'm sure they did.

Yeah, I gave them

directions.

But I also said we'd

be there to supervise.

I didn't know we were gonna be

stopping for strawberries...

I wanted to stop.

Peas...

I've never done the whole

roadside stand bit.

Spinach...

Thought it was important for Lucas.

And asparagus.

He should know

where food comes from.

David, food comes

from farms, not stands.

They both have farmers.

I think I see a light.

Where are we?

Hey, we're home, peanut.

LUCAS:
It's really dark.

Where are all

the apartment buildings?

They don't have apartments

in the country, baby.

Babe? Dana.

It's a good move.

Believe me?

Yeah, I believe you.

New beginning.

New beginning.

(KISSES)

Ugh.

DAVID:
It doesn't get better than this, babe.

(LUCAS LAUGHING)

All right.

(LUCAS GROANS)

LUCAS:
Oh.

Sh*t.

DAVID:
Oh, my God,

you kidding me?

Thought they were supposed to put

everything inside the right rooms.

DANA:
Well,

obviously they didn't.

(BOTH GASP)

Hey, peanut, last one to find the

bathroom has to go wee in the woods!

I'm on your heels, I'm on your heels.

Here I come, here I come.

Please be careful!

(LUCAS LAUGHING)

DAVID:
Here he goes!

Here he goes!

(THUNDER RUMBLING)

DAVID:
Hey.

Hey.

Who puts mirrors

like this here?

Oh. Some guy

who's got a hot wife

and wants as many

of her as possible.

LUCAS:
Daddy!

Can't find my toys!

(WATER DRIPPING)

(DANA EXHALES)

(BABY CRYING)

(BABY CONTINUES CRYING)

(THUNDER RUMBLES)

(WATER DRIPPING)

(WATER DRIPPING)

(WATER CONTINUES DRIPPING)

(GLASS TINKLING)

(RAIN PATTERING)

(THUNDER CRASHES)

Hey.

Hey.

This kitchen

has potential, huh?

Yes.

Is there any coffee going?

Oh, if you want coffee, you're gonna

have to find the coffeemaker first.

Found her.

F*** you.

Is that a threat?

Or a promise?

Uh, could be

a promising threat.

Or a threatening promise.

Where's the peanut?

He's upstairs,

waiting for his waffles.

Oh. And we have a leak

in the breakfast room.

LUCAS:
I don't know.

I don't know.

We have to wait and see.

No, she's a nice mommy.

The nicest mommy

in the world.

DANA:
Lucas,

who are you talking to?

Baby, I asked you

a question.

Who were you

talking to just now?

Lucas, turn around.

Oh, no! Lucas!

Oh, where did you

even find that thing?

He lives here.

This is his home.

Ugh. Well, I'm sure he'll be even

happier when we take him outside.

He said he'll protect me!

Baby, I'm sure he did.

(CAT MEOWS)

We've talked about this before, okay?

No pets.

Please, Mommy?

DAVID:
Hey,

where'd that come from?

Hey, hey, hey.

Let me have a go

at that.

(GROANS)

(CAT PURRS AND MEOWS)

Hey, you stink,

little guy.

Guess what? I just saw a mouse

downstairs and it was huge!

And he had his nose

in the waffle cupboard!

So guess we could use

a good mouser, babe.

Yeah, he's a really

good mouser.

(MEOWING SOFTLY)

DAVID:
Hey. Hold still, you little rascal.

Hey, how about Rascal?

Rascal's a good name.

Yeah, I think

it's a cool name.

Ooh.

(GIGGLING)

(DAVID MIMICS YOWLING)

(BIRDS CHIRPING)

(CAMERA CLICKING)

(CAMERA CONTINUES CLICKING)

(FROGS CROAKING)

(GROWLING)

DAVID:
Hey, Dana!

What do you say

we drive into town,

get some groceries,

lay of the land?

DANA:
David,

there's something out here.

We live in

the country now, babe,

all kinds of crazy

critters out there.

Like what?

Maybe it's a raccoon.

The occasional

zombie redneck.

Hey, Dana, come on.

I'm sure the locals

are eager to sneak a peek

of the new lord

and lady of the manor.

Not bad, huh?

Not bad at all.

This is cool, huh?

LUCAS:
Where's

the movie theater?

They don't have one, peanut,

but what they do have

is a 6-plex up the road in New Bern.

Afternoon.

Oh, afternoon.

You see that? Friendly.

Look at that. That's a

genuine barber shop. Huh?

Oh, friendly

neighborhood gun store.

And we'll go wild turkey shooting.

How about that?

Did you forget?

I'm a vegetarian.

I do not like

killing animals.

You don't? That's okay. We'll

shoot watermelons instead.

Hey! I've heard about this place.

Oh.

Yelp says that this place has the best

ice cream this side of the Mississippi.

No way! Really?

Yeah, better than the Ice

Cream Factory in Brooklyn.

(DOOR BELLS JINGLE)

WOMAN:
Afternoon!

Hello.

Hey.

I bet I know

who you all are!

DAVID:
Oh, I bet you do!

You all bought

the Blacker House.

Yeah, that's us.

(LAUGHING) Welcome!

Welcome! Welcome!

Oh, I'm so happy to see

some new faces around here.

We're happy to be a new face.

Hey, I'm David.

David.

This is my wife, Dana.

DANA:
Hi.

How are you?

And this little

sugar addict over here

is our son, Lucas. Hey, get up.

(WOMAN LAUGHS)

Marti Morrison! And the

pleasure is all mine.

And hi, Lucas.

LUCAS:
Hi.

MARTI:
What's your

favorite ice cream?

Strawberry.

You are so in luck.

I just made some strawberry this morning.

Is that okay?

Yeah. That's fine.

Sure.

All right,

let's get scooping.

(LAUGHS)

You know, nobody has lived

in that old house

for quite some time.

I'm afraid that you all have

your work cut out for you.

Yup. Got a leaky roof

for starters.

Oh. Now, listen, if you need

some help with the big stuff,

I mean, I'm happy to recommend

some honest, hard-working people.

You know, actually we're...

Ben Philips, Jr.

Now, that's not to be confused

with Ben Philips, Sr., who drinks.

Enough said.

But Ben, Jr. now, he knows

his way around a hammer.

And he is not bad

to look at.

I said that out loud,

didn't I? That's awful.

Get behind me, Satan.

That's terrible.

You know, actually we were hoping

to do most of the work ourselves.

Oh, is that right? Well, are you

some kind of architect or...

Well, funnily enough...

Look at you!

Oh, I guess that you're a man who

knows his way around a hammer, too.

I do. I'm actually

the architect.

I'm gonna be doing most

of the work on the house.

Is that right?

Yeah, that's right.

It's a big job.

Big job.

And what is it

that you do?

In between my naps,

I enjoy watching her work,

playing Xbox.

Oh, huh?

We actually just

came in to say howdy,

pick up a few things

for the house.

Well, howdy.

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