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The DUFF
1
For generations of high-schoolers,
you could only be a jock, a geek,
a princess, a bully, or a basket case.
But times have changed.
Jocks play video games.
Princesses are on antidepressants.
And geeks basically run the country.
I thought we were living
in a brave new world,
But every so often, there's that
one moment in high school
that changes your perspective
on everything.
Showtime.
And for me, it happened senior year,
about a month before homecoming.
I was cruising the halls
with my two best friends.
Jess Harris.
I would bang her so hard,
we'd both need helmets.
Yeah, that's not me.
Casey Cordero.
- I would play "Call of Duty" with her
- Yeah.
- All night.
- Wait, what?
And bang her hard too,
to the point of needing helmets.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- That too, yeah.
Nope, not me, either.
Shaw's over. Just Bianca.
That's me.
Martin Van Buren. Nickelback.
Antidisestablishmentarianism.
Jess has the hottest ass.
Casey has the hottest rack.
Bianca, she has the hottest friends.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Homecoming tickets, homecoming.
Hey, get your homecoming tickets now.
- Half price now or double at the door.
- We're gonna be late.
Hey, Jess. Hey, Casey.
Homecoming tickets?
- Oh, we bought ours online.
- All right, cool. See you there.
- Thanks.
- And I will not be attending, so...
Oh, my God, you do this
before every dance.
Yeah, but I don't feel like going.
There's a Vincent Price marathon on,
Who's that?
Sh*t, there's Seor Gomez.
I'm failing Spanish.
Okay.
Mini Stalin, dead ahead.
Meet Madison Morgan.
As she would tell you herself,
she's the hottest girl in school.
Even the gay guys wanna date her.
out of her.
But I wouldn't like it.
Love.
Sorry.
So, yeah, she was a b*tch.
Were we fake friends with her? Kind of.
Girls, party at my place.
I'm sure you've heard of it.
Can you make sure you get
an insert shot of them opening it?
Yep, on it.
Oh, yeah, I'm doing a video about
the party for my YouTube channel.
Wow, wait, you're having a party
on a Wednesday?
- On a school night?
- Yeah, I can do that.
Damn, dude. All right.
Well, yeah, we're in.
Bianca, you have to
have an actual invite to get in,
and I only have a certain amount.
But if anything changes,
I'll let you know.
- Problem solved.
- Oh, hey.
Look at that.
Wonderful.
Can't wait.
Should I bring anything or...?
We'll... Okay.
Anupam and Lena, where are we
We thought we would make it about
how the prices of ice cream
have gone up 15 cents
in the cafeteria and...
That's a bit vanilla. Pardon the pun.
But you're missing the meat
of the story.
five days a week,
paid by taxpayer money
that is used to cover us
against pizza-induced diabetes.
Now that's a school lunch story.
Copy that, circle it, write it.
Nailed it. I'm so proud of me.
We came up with that idea
together, but mostly me.
Okay, next up,
final assignment, all right?
It's a doozy, but it's a real feather in
the cap for any reporter worth their salt
the social life of this school.
Anyone?
Not all at once.
No one?
No one at all? Any takers?
Bianca.
Just the gal I was hoping for.
Hello. Okay.
I want you to step out
of your comfort zone
of journalistic gravitas
to an article about homecoming.
Specifically, what homecoming
means to me.
I mean, not to me. I never went
to a dance when I was a kid.
- Kind of a nerd.
- Sorry to interrupt, Mr. Arthur,
but with all due respect, I'm...
You're honored and thrilled
to lend that Bianca Piper magic?
You wanna do your thing
and put some stuff in the words
and make it pop?
That's so nice of you.
You don't have to do that.
"No, you didn't. I didn't say..."
Yes, you did. And thank...
"No, I didn't, I didn't." Yes, you did.
And I thank you.
You did. And I thank you.
Yeah, that's not where I was
going with that.
I'm sorry,
"What Homecoming Means to Me"?
What are we, 5 years old?
- What is this?
- Look, I'm sorry, B.
I know it sucks,
but maybe it's the universe
telling you, you need to be there.
Please, don't start
with the universe with me
this early in the morning, okay?
Everything and everyone can suck it.
Okay, it's not the end of the world.
Well, that's easy for you to say.
- I don't have a date.
- I can fix that.
- Jack Rebis.
- Tiny hands.
- Mark Warshaw?
- Smells like trash.
Charlie Piper.
Well, people don't know that.
Okay, I will keep looking.
We'll find someone.
Although Jess' menu of dudes
was never-ending,
there was only one guy
I wanted to be my date.
And that's him, Toby Tucker.
I couldn't work up the courage
No, literally, three words.
Okay, bye.
We're gonna kick some ass!
- Jeez.
- I'll see you later, bro.
You know those people you grow up with,
maybe you took baths with them
when you were little,
but now they just annoy
the sh*t out of you?
I give you Wesley Rush.
- Hey, neighbor.
- Wesley.
Saw you watching some weird
Japanese horror movie last night.
Were you spying on me?
A, don't leave your curtains open,
and two, it's kind of hard to miss
running and screaming for their lives.
Looked horrible, by the way,
all that reading.
Super. Where are your girls at?
- Who wants to know?
- The only man in your life.
Wesley, you wouldn't be in my life
if you were the only man
left on the planet.
Sticks and stones, B.
Speaking of stones, rock-hard abs.
- No, no.
- Touch them.
- No, no one wants that.
- Graze them.
Hey, there you are.
Wesley and Madison
as "The Relationship Strobe Light."
On again, off again, a thousand times.
Okay.
Bianca. Well, this is awkw...
Sorry, were you just hitting
on my ex-boyfriend?
No, no. Just having some me time
at my locker.
- He approached me.
- Totally.
I agree. That could never happen.
I know you miss me.
That's a healthy thing you've got going.
Later, B.
B, it's a party.
You should wear something cute.
Here. Lots of options for you.
How about this?
Pretty.
- What the hell is this, underwear?
- No, it's a camisole.
No? Not for you? Okay.
How about this?
It's a little darker, kind of sexy.
Fine. Although I did hear Toby's
gonna be at the party tonight.
Oh, like that would matter.
I mean, it's not like
she's gonna say anything to him.
Excuse me, I might.
Maybe I'll, you know...
Yeah, on second thought,
with the old lucky party shirt.
- Wait for it.
- Bianca, don't do it.
- B.
- Says it on there.
No.
- And, you know, maybe...
- No.
- ...I'll round it out with old trusty...
- Not the flannel.
- Nice, muted tones.
- No.
That is not a good look.
This is a good look.
And that's my mom.
Three years ago my dad left her,
and she did not handle it well.
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"The DUFF" Scripts.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2024. Web. 6 Sep. 2024. <https://www.scripts.com/script/the_duff_20124>.
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