The DUFF Page #2

But one night divine inspiration struck.

You can expect to

go through five stages.

- The first is denial.

- No way, because I'm not dying.

- Second is anger.

- Why, you little...

After that comes fear.

- What's after fear? What's after fear?

- Bargaining.

You gotta get me out of this.

I'll make it worth your while.

- Finally, acceptance.

- Well, we all gotta go sometime.

And just like that,

she became Dottie Piper,

local celebrity to

the 40-and-over self-help crowd,

all-around rock star and occasional mom.

All right, let me tell you something.

I was in the depression stage

about my ex,

but I combined my ex with "depression,"

and I got "expression."

if you girls wanna really

knock the boys out,

you should project boldness

with a power pantsuit combo.

I'm gonna look like

Hillary Clinton, Mom.

I know, right?

Okay, kids, enjoy your party. I love you.

I have another seminar to prep for.

- Okay, bye.

- Bye.

- I love your outfit.

- Caitlyn, can you make sure

you get a shot of the desserts?

Jess, hair's looking good.

She needs a blow-out.

Here, Kelly, take the blue ones.

They're sugar-free, and I know you're

trying to watch that kind of thing.

What?

You've got to be kidding me.

Wesley?

Caitlyn.

Hey, Mads.

Really? With this?

Does she have to film everything?

Wesley, I'm what's known as pre-famous.

My life is an audition for reality TV.

So, yeah, I need

to chronicle everything.

That was a good take for me.

Get a wide shot too.

Hey, Caitlyn, take five.

Thanks.

This is why we are not dating, okay?

Because you, my friend,

are a juvenile dipshit.

- I could be dating college guys,

- Yeah.

Or famous people, or 30-year-olds.

That sounds like an awesome

episode of Dateline.

Enjoy those saggy balls.

Fine, I will.

Come on, man.

Guys, I don't see Toby.

- I don't know where Toby is.

- Come dance with us.

Do you think he didn't come?

- Party pooper.

- No, no, guys, I don't dance.

Come on, B. Come on, B.

- No, no, no.

- Yeah, you do. Come on, you dance.

You do. Come on.

- Come on.

- Okay.

- There you go.

- Hey.

- Hey.

- Look at those moves.

- See?

- Oh, man, all this dancing,

made me so thirsty.

I'm gonna get a drink.

B, really?

Let you get away

Now, don't go away

My darling, don't go away

Hey, Billy.

- No, just Bianca.

- Jesus.

Looking very handsome tonight.

Why, thank you.

Having fun at the party?

Yeah, actually, your girls

are looking incredible out there.

Have they asked about me?

When I told them that you were here,

their eyes filled with this, like, sparkle,

you know, with, like, childlike wonder,

and then they just started

dancing together.

- It was kind of beautiful.

- Yeah, it was.

Do they do other things together

that I might be able to join in on

or just watch?

I'm kidding. Not kidding at all.

Tell me everything.

Yeah, it's actually not my job

to give you pervy intel

- on my best friends, but thanks.

- Well, I mean, it kind of is, though.

People ask you questions

about them, right,

because that's your job as their DUFF.

Sorry, as their what?

DUFF. D-U-F-F.

Designated Ugly Fat Friend.

What did you just say to me?

It's not like a big deal, okay? I mean,

like, every group of friends has one.

The one who doesn't look as good,

thus making their friends look better.

The one who's approachable

and easy to talk to,

because no one's trying

to get in their pants.

And if you don't know

who it is, chances are it's you.

Say when. Say...

Okay, look, I didn't mean it

like that, all right?

The DUFF doesn't always have to be

some heinous beast, all right?

Take a look at Robin.

Robin's, like, super cute.

Okay, but her friends are super hot.

Oh, God, that is

such a guy thing to say.

Guys can be DUFFs too, okay?

You know my boy A.J.,

freshman on the football team?

We're in chemistry together.

Now he's doing the second most

important job a DUFF can do,

acting as, like, the gatekeeper

to their better-looking friends.

The guy with the info people go to

before they make their move.

- Watch, watch.

- Is it true Wes is single?

Sure is, yeah.

Got it. Thanks, A.J. You're sweet.

- Hi.

- Hey, Wes.

See? She gets her info,

he gets to talk to a hot senior.

Even got a little action.

I didn't have to do anything.

It's kind of like us right now.

Excuse me, that is not

like us right now.

B, on an average day,

how many guys ask you questions

about Jess and Casey?

- I don't know. It's a fair amount.

- Okay.

On an average day, how many guys

ask you questions about you?

See? You friended up, okay?

Good for you. Good talk.

You know what? Get back out there.

Have some...

Hey, what the hell was that for?

Stupid Wes.

It's not even...

Really?

Oh, God.

I am the DUFF.

Impress me to get to my friends.

I am the gatekeeper.

I'm not the DUFF.

Hey, Duffy.

Shouldn't you be working with a partner?

Shouldn't you be working at all?

Lab partner's got this.

Oh, boy. Clearly.

Bill Nye over there looks like

she's about to drink that acid.

I work alone.

- Take a hint.

- Why are you so grumpy?

You know, I should be mad at you.

You ruined my favorite shirt.

You called me fat and ugly, Wesley.

What? No, I didn't.

I called you the DUFF.

Yeah, excuse me.

It's just that stands for

Designated Ugly Fat Friend, dick face.

You can't take it literally, okay?

I mean, the DUFF doesn't

actually have to be fat or ugly.

You know, like Tony Romo,

he's a Dallas Cowboy.

It's not like he rides a horse, right?

I have no idea

what the hell you're talking about.

I'm just saying, I would never

call anyone fat or ugly.

Okay? That's messed up.

But it's the word and it stuck.

It's a catchall.

Oh, my God. Get out of here

before I murder you.

- Are you kidding? Okay.

- I'll murder you.

B, where the hell'd you go?

Home. Wasn't feeling good.

Oh, well, you didn't really miss much.

Yeah, except Jess making out

with Ryan Jensen,

the cops busting up the party,

and, like, everyone TP'ing

Rebecca Cutter's house.

She's right, it was pretty awesome.

Hello? Are you okay?

Yeah, just get the food.

- Hey there, Jess and Casey.

- Hey.

Hey, Elaine.

Hey, you.

Hey, Jeffrey.

It was becoming harder and harder

to deny the truth.

- Without Jess and Casey...

- Hey, Jess, Casey.

Hey, Principal Buchanon.

...I ceased to be.

Girls, party at my place.

Hey, Jess. Hey, Casey.

Holy sh*t, I was the DUFF.

Jess and Casey. Jess and Casey.

Jess and Casey.

Jess and Casey.

Why was I Bosley?

There were three Angels.

Okay.

You know in Batman when that guy

falls into the vat of acid

and becomes the Joker?

This was my "vat of acid" moment.

My best friends made me the DUFF.

And that made me...

Angry.

Bianca, let's go.

You'll be late for school.

The world gave me

the gift of invisibility,

a license to not give a sh*t.

You look crazy.

Crazy amazing.

Oh, God, even my car's a DUFF.

I couldn't even look at Jess

and Casey, they made me so mad.

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