The Entertainer Page #7

Tina Lapford. She won second prize.

Daughter of some bakery people

in Burnley.

They must be quite well off.

Here's the end of the ride.

Come along, my dear.

- Let me help you down.

- Thank you, Granddad.

You know, I wonder...

He was with her and her parents

yesterday at Stocks's caf.

Do you suppose that

he's pretending we don't exist?

I don't know.

Her parents are here, you say?

They're staying at the holiday camp.

Part of the prize.

Damn waste of money.

Town hall pays and shoves it on the rates.

Granddad, will you walk down

to the station with me to meet Graham?

- You'll want to be alone.

- No, I'd love you to come.

I've got some business to do.

Bye-bye, Jean.

Bye.

- Can I speak to Mrs Lapford?

- I'll find out if she's in the camp, sir.

Calling Mrs Lapford. Please go to

reception, where friends are waiting.

Mrs Lapford? That's me.

What can I be wanted for?

I wonder what they could want.

Hang on. I can hear him coming now.

- Call, Mr Rice.

- Not now.

She's called twice.

Female named Lapford.

- Could I have your autograph?

- Shh!

Hello? Archie Rice speaking.

Yes.

(angry female voice)

No. Look, wait a minute.

I don't understand. What's wrong?

I don't understand. There's evidently

some misunderstanding.

Well, look...

Don't be a cow and stand there. Get out.

No, I'm sorry. Look.

Let me ring back, will you?

What do you mean, the last time?

It's ridiculous.

Is Tina there?

Can I speak to her, please? Why not?

Who? Who's been telling you all this?

Who?!

I'm sure... He couldn't have.

On stage, everybody!

He couldn't have understood.

Listen, Mrs Lapford.

I want her... I meant it, I want her in

the show and I want her to be the star.

And I want her too. Tell her that.

No, you can't.

I'm depending on you. You promised.

Everything's fixed up.

I've paid out cheques.

Yes.

Yes, it's true.

Seven years ago, that's right.

Still in the receiver's.

Well, you didn't ask me.

Well, for God's sake, give me some time.

At least let me come and see you.

(hangs up)

On stage.

Mr Rice, could I have your autograph?

You look so daft.

- That was Mrs Moneybags, wasn't it?

- Shut up!

You've mucked it up, haven't you?

I said you've mucked it up!

- Gawd, you need a keeper.

- (Frank) What's the matter?

(music starts on stage)

- Dad, what's the matter?

- Shut up. Shut the door.

Just a second. Hey, John.

Take these costumes

down to the girls for me.

Check the board and tell Charlie

to keep going. Be about two minutes.

- Got all that?

- Yep.

- Dad, what's got into you?

- That's it.

Who do you think narked?

Shopped me? Grassed?

- Better get used to prison language.

- What are you on about?

The show. The old man.

My old man, Billy Rice. Old-time favourite.

- The new show. It's finished.

- What's Granddad got to do with that?

There's no time to explain that now.

Better get on the blower to everybody,

make all cancellations. Every single thing.

Oh no, it's too late now. Send wires.

- Does Harold know?

- Oh, God.

Tell Harold... Get Harold...

Get him on the blower for me

as soon as I come off after the first act.

(knocking)

OK. Curtain up.

What happened, Archie?

- He's still with us. That's something.

- Will you not be doing the new show?

- Just give me a chance.

- You had your chance, mate. And ours.

(upbeat music and thin applause)

- Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

- (music drowns him out)

Does he think he's funny?

- Shut up!

- (music stops)

Hello, ladies and gentlemen. Archie Rice

is the name. Mrs Rice's favourite boy.

We're going to entertain you for the next

two and a half hours... half hours... Whoo!

I want to see your father.

I'll be in his dressing room.

All right, Granddad.

Now I'm going to introduce to you

Beryl and BoBo, the trampoline tramps.

You swine. These kids have

turned down other work for you.

- I'll see what I can do.

- We know what you can do.

I'll get lawyers and I'II...

- What about you lot? Not interested?

- He didn't want us anyway.

Take your spoon out of

the mixing bowl and get ready.

I don't care about the bloody money,

but I'm owing the bookie 15 quid.

Look, be a pal and forget it, would you?

- How can I? I paid it in.

- You paid it in?

- Of course.

- When?

Yesterday. And I've made out

payments on the strength of it.

- You'd better think about...

- OK, Harold.

Granddad's arrived.

He's in your dressing room.

Look. Wire Jimmy Collins.

"Cancel shoes order. Snags. Archie."

- And try and get Lennie again.

- Archie!

- Not now, dear.

- It's not fair, Frank. (grumbles)

- Frank, I've lost one of me scallops.

- You'll have to turn sideways then, dear.

Before you say anything, I had to do it

to stop you making a fool of yourself.

- You stopped me. Congratulations.

- I didn't know about this financial thing.

I like that phrase. "This financial thing".

I'll make it up to you, I promise.

I realise I've put you in a bit of a spot.

- "Bit of a spot."

- Look, I've had an idea.

I'll come in with you. How's that?

- You mean to jail, dear?

- My name's still worth something.

We'll give 'em the old songs.

People still want them, you know.

What about it? What do you say?

- God help you.

- Archie...

Listen, Frank. Maybe you can understand.

His mind's going.

I'm an undischarged bankrupt, see?

I do everything in my wife's name.

But just this once I signed the cheques

myself, for very obvious reasons.

- Cripes! You really are...

- Archie, listen.

Listen, son. Just no more interference.

Yes? Thank you.

I've got a few pounds in the post office.

- You're on again.

- It's not much, but it's a few pounds.

I'd like you to have it.

I didn't mean it. Doesn't he know?

I didn't mean it.

(applause)

Why should I care?

Why should I let it touch me?

Why shouldn't I

Sit down and try to

let it pass over me?

Why should they stare?

Why should I let it get me?

What's the use of despair

If they call you a square?

You're a long time dead...

Thank you.

Thanks.

- He's a bit down tonight.

- Is he?

- Seems all right to me.

- Does he?

(song ends)

I'm not much in the mood

for a show, I suppose.

What happened about the Africa job?

- I turned it down.

- Oh, I'm sorry.

Something like it'll turn up again.

Something like you might not.

I can't leave here yet. I'm too involved.

- You do understand, don't you?

- I'm beginning to.

Whatever it is, you're up to your ears in it.

- I'm not much help, am I?

- You've been patient. I don't know why.

Because I love you. That's why.

- You'd still rather I went back to London?

- Yes.

It's not that I don't want you to stay, but...

there's something I must see Dad about.

- Would you like me to come with you?

- I'd rather you didn't.

Not tonight.

All right.

She'd steal your knickers

and sell them for dusters.

- Jean!

- Mrs Roberts. I always used to say that.

What are you talking about,

you right-wing old poop?

- Old poop maybe, but not right-wing.

- Can we talk?

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