The Entertainer Page #9

Nice to see you. How are you, Archie?

Let's come into the office.

You're getting younger and younger.

You're looking wonderful.

Wait for us in the pub next door, will you?

Won't be long.

We all had our own style, our own songs,

and we were all English.

What's more, we spoke English.

Ah! There you are, Jean.

We knew what the rules were.

Even if we spent half our time

making people laugh at them,

we never suggested

anyone should break 'em.

- What are you having to drink?

- Scotch.

- Scotch all round, please.

- A real pro is like the run of people.

Only he's a lot more like them

than they are themselves.

Hey, Billy. See who that is?

Eddie Trimmer!

Eddie, my favourite comedian.

Archie, I love your dad.

He's such a sweet old man.

And still a first-class performer.

Still a first-class performer.

It's going to be great

to see him up there again.

What are you doing? You're not going

to put him back into the business?

It's our only chance.

Klein wouldn't look at me.

- Old Billy's sold on this idea himself.

- And you're going to let him do it?

You'll kill that old man.

Just to save that tatty show of yours.

It isn't to save that tatty show of mine.

It's to save your tatty dad from jail.

They may not come in to see Archie,

but they may remember Billy Rice.

Worth a try, anyway.

He wants to do it. Look at him,

poor old gubbins. Top of the bill again.

With your lips close to the telephone

When they might be close to mine

Well, here's to the Billy Rice show at

the Winter Gardens Illuminations Week!

(orchestra plays jaunty overture)

(music continues)

- Have you seen the old man?

- Yeah, he's OK. Jean's with him.

Frank, we're stuck!

Pour a bucket of water over 'em.

Oh dear, I've made a mess of this.

Don't bother about it. Wipe it off.

It's your face they've come to see.

- Do you want a drink?

- No, no. Not before the show.

- Granddad? Overture.

- Already?

- Don't worry. I'll be down.

- He's nearly ready.

After "Put Me Amongst the Girls"

it's my first change.

I'll have everything down.

- Good luck.

- Good luck, Mr Rice.

Thank you!

Once I get that backcloth behind me

I can hold them for half an hour.

I'll see those five-minute

microphone wonders out any day.

- Did you realise what time it is?

- Don't worry.

He's on his way down now.

- I'm getting a problem with the voltage.

- Don't be trouble.

- Is the overture on?

- You've got a good two minutes.

- You look great.

- Thank you.

- Warn the orchestra.

- He's not ready yet.

It's all right, love.

You've got a good minute.

- Good luck, Billy.

- And the same to you.

Always be nice to them on the way up

in case you need them on the way down.

Put me amongst the girls

Put me amongst the girls

Do me a favour, do

You know I'd do as much for you

- Are you ready, Granddad?

- Yes.

- We're coughing better tonight.

- Yes.

Put me amongst the girls

Those with the curly curls

They'll enjoy themselves and so will I

If you put me amongst the girls

Tell Rita to keep going. Get a chair.

- What's the matter?

- It's my breath.

Brandy, quick, someone!

Renee!

- What?

- Something's happened to Granddad.

- You've got to go on again.

- What?

- What is it?

- Stand by to go on again.

- It's so hot.

- Give us the bottle.

- A little snifter.

- No, I'm all right. I'm all right.

- Go on. Do a reprise.

- I've got to go on now.

No, Dad. No... Billy!

Put me amongst the girls

Carry on.

Put me amongst the girls

Do me a favour, do

You know I'd do as much for you

Put me amongst the girls

Those with the curly curls

(song continues)

I'm sorry.

(song fades out)

- Jean thinks I killed him.

- You didn't kill him, Archie.

He was such a sweet old man.

Do you know who said that?

Charlie Klein.

He said old Billy was

the nicest old man in the business.

Klein's cancelling the show

as soon as he gets a replacement.

I've booked your tickets to Canada.

I'm going anyway, Dad. So you'd better

start thinking about number one.

Can't get draught Bass in Canada.

I've tried it.

I'm not doing anything for you

to stay here. Not any more.

It's Canada or jail.

You know, I always thought

I should go to jail.

I should think it must be quite interesting.

Sure to meet some people I know.

Oh, well. Just two more performances.

Seems a pity, though.

I'd like to have notched up

21 years against the income tax man.

I'll never make my 21st now. It would

have been fun to get the key of the door.

Why should I care?

Why should I let it touch me?

Why shouldn't I

Sit down and try to

let it pass over me?

Why should they stare?

Why should I let it get me?

(Archie tap-dancing)

Mr Klein.

What's he up to, saying

he can carry on next week?

- He said that?

- Yes, to all these people.

I was meant to be in Blackpool, but I had

to come all the way down here to fix this.

I'm telling you, he's out. Finished!

Why should I care?

Why should I let it touch me?

Why shouldn't I

Sit down and try to

let it pass over me?

Why...

(orchestra plays on)

There's a bloke out here with a hook.

You know that, don't you?

He's standing there. I can see him.

Must be the income tax man.

- This show finishes tonight.

- Yes, Mr Klein.

(Klein) This show finishes tonight.

Why should I care?

Why should I let it touch me?

Why shouldn't I

Sit down and try to

let it pass over me?

Why...

Why should I let it get me?

What's the use of despair...

(orchestra plays on)

If they see that you're blue

they'll look down on you

So why oh why should I

(music stops)

Oh, well. I have a go. Don't I, ladies?

I do. I have a go.

You've been a good audience. Very good.

A very good audience.

Let me know where you're

working tomorrow night.

I'll come and see you.

(talking and scattered clapping)

(orchestra plays upbeat tune)

(Frank) Ghost lights up.

(Frank) Take the front curtains up.

("Why Should I Care?" plays on piano)

Subs ripped by Ingolf 2004

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