The Errand Boy

---

This is Hollywood.

Land of the real and the unreal.

The unreal are the actors.

And the reel, nothing more

than a thing to put film on.

From up here, I guess

it doesn't look very much different

from your hometown.

But how would you know?

You don't go around looking

at your hometown from a plane.

This is a town where dedicated people

spend every waking hour

applying their varied talents

to the making of a product,

the only purpose of which is

to take you away

from the harsh realities of life into

the wondrous land of Make-Believe.

What's your pleasure?

Westerns?

Cheesecake?

Suspense?

Brutality?

How about a love story?

Yes, a love story.

I love you very much.

Saying it is very trivial.

I love you too.

Oh, my beautiful, wonderful man.

I could listen to you for hours.

But that would deprive me

of the tenderness of your lips.

Don't speak anymore.

Nor shall I.

Kiss me, my love.

Yes, this is Hollywood.

Where, for just the price of a ticket,

they will take you anyplace

you want to go.

Anyplace that is, except one.

Seldom will they let you inside one

of those sound stages down there,

where their magic potion is brewed.

And we'll show you why.

Sometimes the good guys

are afraid of horses.

And if they're afraid of horses,

they're certainly not going

to let them use real rocks on them.

Mistreated girl, you think.

She was formerly middleweight

champion of the Marine Corps.

The lovers?

In real life,

these two are man and wife.

All right. Here we go for a take.

Would you mind not sitting

on my jacket?

If I had my way, stupid,

I'd be sitting in another state!

- Oh, yeah?

- Yeah!

Well, listen, nitwit!

If it wasn't for me...

If it wasn't for you?

Why, you cheap imitation

of a screen extra,

I ought to smack you

right in the mouth!

Lights.

Camera.

Action.

Besides everything else,

you're the Very dream that I dreamed.

Aside from the behind-the-scenes

activities of the people

that are constantly seen

on the silver screen,

we would like to show you

the behind-the-scenes activities

of the motion-picture tsars

and tsaresses and their tsurisses.

Of the motion-picture tsars

and tsaresses and their tsurisses.

And so as not to make this

in any way

a completely dry

and stilted documentary,

we have acquired the services

of one the most prominent

and highly intelligent idiots available.

This is Paramutual Pictures

Incorporated.

And this is the inner working brain

of a highly successful

and wealthy company

of motion-picture makers.

And furthermore, how do you expect

us to continue to be highly successful

and wealthy motion-picture makers

when constantly, day after day,

we're losing money?

And furthermore and most important,

we're not losing that money

at the box office.

I suppose that's because

"MoVies Are Your Best Entertainment".

Amen.

Now. This money that I mentioned

that we're constantly losing,

it's here, in the studio.

And we must find out how and where

it's going and who's getting it!

Now, I haVe sitting beside me

Mr. Fumble,

of the distinguished firm

of Fumble, Fidgett and Fuss,

the famous efficiency experts.

I've asked Mr. Fumble here

to help us find out

why money is being wasted

by some 3,000 employees

of Paramutual Pictures.

In short,

we need an efficiency expert

to be exposed to the everyday routine

of this studio

and report to us any financial leak

or excess spending.

Tom, dear.

You're the businessman of the family,

and you've always been the smartest.

Up to now.

And you've always been the smartest.

Up to now.

But this is not the way, Tom, dear.

With due respect to Mr. Fumble,

it simply will not work.

And may I ask, why?

Yes. Why?

Because this is a job

for someone that nobody knows.

Well, I haVe a Very good business,

and I simply will not

take on an assignment

that I feel we can't do

our best work with.

- And therefore, I must withdraw.

- But, Mr. Fumble!

And I warn you, if this is to be

a successful Venture on your part,

be sure that you pick someone

that nobody knows.

But nobody!

Gentlemen.

Ladies.

Someone nobody knows?

Irma Paramutual?

You've been around here

since we opened the place.

Ulysses Paramutual?

No, you've been around too long too.

Albert Paramutual?

No. EVerybody knows you.

Paramutual. Paramutual.

Paramutual.

Nobody but Paramutuals.

Someone nobody knows.

Tom, I maintain that in order

to get the information that you want,

we should get somebody

that not only nobody knows,

but someone that couldn't care less

about our problems,

or anybody else's for that matter.

- How do you mean?

- I mean that we need somebody

who is so concerned

with his own problems

that he won't know that we

literally want him to spy for us.

And it should be somebody

who doesn't care about money,

who doesn't care how we spend ours

or how much we haVe

or how much anybody else has.

Just where do you find

this sort of someone?

Frankly, Tom, I don't think you do.

The person that we want

probably doesn't exist.

There just couldn't be

anybody that stupid.

Yeah. There isn't anybody that stupid.

Stupid?

Hey, WeaVer! Come here.

Get him.

Yes, sir.

Hey, kid. Would you

come down here a minute?

Does Hitler? What?

Hey!

- Hello, young man.

- Hello, man.

- Do you know who we are?

- The parole board?

We're the people who run this studio.

We're the Paramutuals.

Sounds like a rock 'n ' roll band.

You know, I think he'll be perfect.

What's your name, young man?

Tashman. Morty Tashman.

Morty S. Tashman.

What's the S for?

Scared. I'm frightened

at a lot of things.

- Morty!

- Yeah?

How would you like to be the new

errand boy for Paramutual Pictures?

- It doesn't pay much.

- But at least the hours are lousy.

Well, I don't care really about

the hours or money...

- Good!

- You're hired!

Thanks a lot, but what do I do?

To be here now? To sit.

Miss O'R iley, will you send in

Mr. Sneak right away, please?

- Now, Morty.

- Yes, sir!

Your only contact

will be Dexter Sneak.

Now, he's been with us for 35 years.

He's Very loyal.

- He should be, we gaVe him a watch.

- Yeah. That we did.

And, we can trust him

to get us the information

that you will pass on to him.

- You sent for me, T. P?

- Yes, Dexter. Come here.

Oh, Master of the Film.

Oh, Sultan of the Cinema.

Great White Father and Ruler

oVer me, speak up. What is your wish?

It will be done by me,

your humble and obedient...

All right. Now, tomorrow morning,

I want you to take Morty here

to the Personnel Department.

- To the Personnel Department.

- Yeah.

See that he gets an interView

for a job here in the studio.

Job here in the studio.

- But most important of all...

- Most important.

...see that he's hired.

- Hired, of course.

Now, I'll fill you in later

on your functions with him.

My functions with...

Oh, your wish is my com...

Oh, Master of the Film

and Sultan of the Cinema,

Great White Ruler oVer me...

- Oh, shut up!

- Oh, shut up!

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