The Escape of Prisoner 614

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1

[grand orchestral music]

[light orchestral music]

- [rock crumbling]

- [wind whooshing]

[dramatic orchestral music]

[low thudding]

[dramatic orchestral music]

- [wind whooshing]

- [low synth music]

[projector running]

[light folk rock music]

[banjo music]

[dog barking]

- [brush rustling]

- [low thudding]

[low thudding]

[gun cocking]

Sheriff's deputy!

Throw down your

weapon and surrender.

[Jim] No!

No?

No's not an option.

[Jim] You throw

your gun down then.

That's not how this works.

[Jim] Well, looks like

the only solution

is to throw our guns

down together.

Fine.

It's on my count.

[Jim] Well, how's that fair?

It was my idea.

That's about as good a

deal as you're gonna get.

Now you can either take it

or we can let our

guns do the talking.

Well?

[Jim] Fine, deal.

All right.

[gun clicking]

You ready?

[Jim] Yeah.

One,

two,

three.

[both guns clicking repeatedly]

What the hell was that?

We had an agreement.

[Jim] Well, I'm a criminal.

Supposed to be nefarious.

That's true.

Still,

I'm gonna mark it down

as a victory for me.

[Jim] On what grounds?

Shooting you dead.

Pretty sure that clearly

constitutes a victory.

How so?

You didn't even hit me.

Well, you know the rules.

In the event of an

unresolvable dispute...

Tie goes to the deputy.

Correct.

Because criminals,

well, they never win.

At least not in the long-term.

Why do I always have

to be the criminal.

We've been over this.

Mask, it makes me

claustrophobic.

What if the criminal

doesn't wear a mask?

Now listen to yourself.

You think a criminal's

gonna commit a crime

without a mask or some

kind of tactical disguise?

[sighing]

All right.

You're right,

it's ridiculous.

[Thurman] Uh-huh.

[Jim] Ugh, I'm hungry.

[bell dinging]

Mind if I smoke?

[man] No, ma'am,

go right ahead.

[Marla] So, what

brings you to Shandaken?

I was supposed to meet

my bride up in Albany,

but there were

some complications.

Well, at least you

seem in good spirits.

[bell on door ringing]

Morning, deputies.

Morning, Marla.

We need a plan.

Yeah.

Well, how 'bout...

There you go, boys.

Thanks, Marla.

How 'bout all of

the arrest records

were burned up in a tragic fire

that also took the lives

of three innocent people?

Except we need the bodies.

Oh yeah.

Oh yeah, those are

hard to come by.

Uh.

[snapping fingers]

I got it.

[Jim] Hmm?

How 'bout this.

We got so many arrests

that the boxes of records

became cumbersome

around the office,

so we had no choice

but to ship the records

to a storage facility

just north of Albany.

Shortly after they arrived,

it was ravaged by fire.

- I like that.

- You like that?

- Yeah.

- All right, good.

Then that's the plan.

Still got an hour and a half

till the sheriff gets here.

Who knows, something might

happen between now and then.

Excuse me, sir.

Anything we can help you with?

No, sir.

Oh, well, I was

beaten and robbed

by a pack of teenagers

this morning.

In Shandaken?

No, Albany.

- [sighing]

- I'm just driving through.

Well, that's outside

our jurisdiction,

but if you like we can

aid you in filing

a criminal complaint with the

Albany sheriff's department.

Uh, no, no.

I wouldn't wanna go

through all the trouble.

What's the matter

with the pie?

Oh, sheriff's

coming to town today

to review quarterly

arrest records.

So, that's no reason

to waste food.

Yes, ma'am.

Yep.

Mmm.

[Marla] All right?

Yeah.

Yeah, we unfortunately

haven't made an arrest

this quarter.

Or the three

quarters before that.

Yeah, and in the six years

prior to that,

we only made one arrest.

[clearing throat]

And that son of

a b*tch got away.

Oh yeah.

Turns out it's not illegal

to fish without a license

if you don't catch anything.

Marla, let me

ask you something.

You'd say you know us

pretty good, right?

We're practically family.

You think we're good deputies?

Well, the way I see it,

if you're not arresting anyone,

it means there's no crime,

and if there's no crime,

it means that you two are

pretty darn good deputies.

Uh-huh. And that is exactly

what we'll tell the sheriff.

Thanks, Marla.

What's the damage?

Two cents for my two cents.

The rest, as usual,

on the house.

Are you kidding about

that two cents, Marla?

I don't carry change.

It doesn't feel

good in my pockets.

[Marla] Oh, forget it.

[gun clicking]

[gun clicking]

[Jim] Get out of there.

[door slamming]

Sheriff.

[coughing]

Morning, sir.

Can I offer you a pastry, sir?

Awful tasty.

[throat clearing]

Yes, sir.

Good choice.

[Thurman] Yes, sir.

How was your trip, sir?

Alone.

[Thurman]

That's good, I guess.

[spitting]

I got a deposition 30 minutes

right outside Kingston,

so let's skip the pleasantries

and get right down

to brass tacks.

Yes, sir.

Well?

Well, I got some good news

for you, sheriff.

No arrests to

review this quarter.

What we figure is

if there's no arrests,

one could extrapolate

that there's no crime.

And if there's no crime,

then all in all,

I'd say we're doing

a pretty bang up job.

Sir.

Well, I mean if

there's no crime,

well then, why would I need

a deputy in Shandaken,

much less two of them.

Well, God forbid

there is a crime, sir,

- we would protect the citizenry.

- Uh-huh.

So, we're kind of worried

about hypothetical crime.

- [Thurman] Yes, sir.

- Mmm.

As well as the threat

of actual crime,

which is always omnipresent.

What, what, what

Deputy Hayford means to say

is um, we, uh,

we just, um,

don't have the reports.

We don't have the

reports for the crimes,

which there were

a lot of crimes.

That's correct.

That's right.

You know, I was

playing coy earlier.

I didn't wanna toot my own horn,

but truth be told,

we've made so many arrests,

you know, that the boxes

of records were piling up

and becoming cumbersome

around the office.

I mean, there must've

been, I lost count,

so we went ahead and

shipped those up north,

- just north of Albany.

- Yeah.

- Was it?

- Yeah.

- That's where it was.

- Yeah.

And, here's the kicker, sir.

When they got there, the whole

thing was ravaged by fire.

Everything gone,

all of it, just burnt up.

Typical, late firemen.

Well, don't throw

them under the bus.

Mmm.

Well, now,

now let me be clear here.

See, your duty is

to serve and protect

the good people of

Shandaken, right?

And the way we show that we

are serving and protecting

the good people of Shandaken,

is arrests and convictions.

Now, now, my budget

is controlled

by a bunch of son of a b*tch

politicians up in Albany

and you know what

they really like?

- Money.

- [Jim] Prostitutes.

Results.

And when they don't see results,

well, they, they reduce

my budget

and I just don't like

having my budget reduced.

Mm-mm.

Now, wearing that badge

is a privilege

and goddamn it, your arrest

records reflect poorly

on every man who's had

the honor of pinning that

to his uniform.

So effective immediately,

your employment

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