The Exorcism

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(creepy music)

(possessed screaming in the distance)

- [Beth] Thank you so much for coming,

I really hope you can help.

She's--she's--I don't know.

I don't know what's going on with her.

Um, so--

- I want you to remember,

the girl we confront in

there is not your sister.

(possessed screaming)

(demonic hissing)

- Jacob?

- Valak?

(she laughs)

Are you kidding?

Holy sh*t.

Valak, you old

son-of-a-b*tch, how are you?

- Well, I'm always crawling my way out,

you know what I'm saying?

- Where have you been all this time?

- Ah, ya know.

Possessed through Europe some, you?

- I've been in the States, you know,

bad economy, better the Satanism.

(they laugh)

I'm sorry, Beth this

is Valak, Valak, Beth.

- Hey, what's up?

- Hey, we've already met.

- Know how many rounds I've gone

with this bastard right here?

What is it, like, twelve now?

So tell me.

How'd you wrangle this one?

Heavy metal?

- Come on, what is this, 1985?

- Harry Potter.

(she laughs)

Shoulda been my first guess.

That is the gift that keeps on giving.

- Oh, the f***ing Potterheads.

- It is good to see you, man.

I gotta tell you, nobody's

doing it deep these days,

it's just very uninspired.

- Oh really?

- I mean nobody's shaking the room,

or ya know, masturbating with a crucifix.

- Hey, who was that kid at Bridgeport?

Ya know, the fat one--

- Oh Lord, here we go.

- I'm Thomas Pratt and I love cupcakes.

- Sound just like him,

this f***er's retarded,

go ahead, tell the story.

- (laughs) Okay, we're

with this kid right?

He's like, this butterball kid, he's 12.

- This kid's flipped over on his belly,

and I see this writing,

just right over his little butthole there.

- "Take me to hell"

or some sh*t like that.

- And I'm leaning in,

I'm like, "What is that?"

- He's looking, he's looking and--can I?

I shot explosive, green, lava

diarrhea all over his face!

I mean, he's painted with it!

- Right in my mouth.

- It was-- (laughs)

- I'm like, "Aaghhhh."

- No, no, I think it was

more like this, "Blerghhhh."

- I was like gargling, it

was like thick all running--

- [Valak] All this green sh*t!

- It was sh*t for sure,

with Chamorron bean in.

- It was green!

- Ah, I'm tellin' ya, I was this close

to quitting exorcism altogether.

- You were not.

Well I'm really glad you didn't.

- Yeah.

I'm glad I didn't either.

- So, about my sister? (nervous laugh)

- Right.

- The sister.

Look at us back with all the

bunch of Golden Girls over here. (laughs)

- So tell me you gonna get on out of there

and let me get home in time

to watch some SportsCenter?

- I don't think so Jacob.

I'm going up against you, I wanna dance.

- I wouldn't expect it any other way.

- Oh and Jacob?

- Yeah?

- One more thing.

Your mother sucks cock in hell!

- Hey, yours does.

- (laughs) You know what

the f***ed up thing is?

She does! (laughs)

- She does! (laughs)

(horrifying music)

(demonic hissing)

- It's the power of

Christ that compels you!

(demonic screaming)

It's the power of Christ that compels you!

It's the power of Christ that compels you!

- [Boy] Oh sh*t!

Jason, we've got to

f***ing go, we gotta go!

F***, sh*t, dude,

we need to get the f*** out of here.

Taylor has lost her mind.

- I know.

(tense music)

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