The Fitzgerald Family Christmas

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1

["Carol of the Bells" playing]

[Phone rings]

[ring]

[sighs]

- [Beep]

- Hello?

Jesus, Dad. What are you doing

calling the house line?

Mom could have picked up.

No, I do not have any news yet.

- ROSIE:
Gerald, is that for me?

- No, Mom.

Mom, don't worry about it,

it's for me.

Look, I'm having everybody

come over the house tonight

to celebrate Mom's birthday,

all right?

And then we're gonna discuss it then.

[sighs]

Oh, you got her a birthday gift.

Well, that's a first.

What was it?

Oh, that. No, no, no,

actually she did tell me about that.

Your wedding video.

Yeah, and what, you thought that was

somehow gonna help your cause?

Look, why don't you come by

the restaurant tomorrow and...

I'll let you know what

everyone decides tonight.

But, Dad... Yeah. No, I know.

But please,

don't get your hopes up, okay?

All right.

I'll see you tomorrow.

[Phone beeps]

And how many times do I have to

tell you, I don't want a party.

Would you please stop fighting this,

you crazy old woman.

All right?

It's already done, it's organized.

Everyone is going to be here

except Cyril.

But he'll be home for Christmas,

- right?

- Yes.

I already told you

he's coming in tomorrow.

And he's better?

I don't know.

He says he is.

So we shall see.

And you're picking him up

at Port Authority, right?

Because he will need

someone there for him.

Yes, Mom.

For the 10th time.

- I will pick him up.

- All right, all right.

Don't get yourself all worked up.

I'm just double checking.

He is my baby after all.

Look, Mom, I don't want you

to worry about this. All right?

I already spoke to all of them

and they're all very excited

to get out here.

Don't try to bullshit me, Gerry.

They're my kids.

Yeah, well, look, whether they like it

or not, they're coming out.

I told you I don't want you

to make a big deal out of this.

Would you just stop

complaining about this?

All right? Look.

Dottie's gonna cook

you a nice dinner.

Connie's gonna bake you a cake.

And Quinn said he's gonna come out

this afternoon to take you shopping.

So why can't you just enjoy yourself?

Okay. Okay, what's really

going on here?

Nothing is going on.

It's your 70th birthday.

I just thought you might like

to have all your kids around

to celebrate with you.

Enjoy your French toast.

Gerald.

What?

What are you not telling me?

Look, there's something I just want

to discuss with the whole family and...

I thought it would be good

if we're all together

so we could all weigh in on it.

And it has to be done

before Christmas.

[engine starts]

[Phone rings]

QUINN:
Did you make

the reservations for tonight?

WOMAN:
Mmm.

Did we get the same room

at the lodge?

Quinn, she's too young for you.

What do you care how old she is?

Well, because it kinda makes you

like a creepy old man.

You know, I'm not old enough

to be creepy yet.

[Chuckles]

Oh, yeah, you are.

- Did you get the same room?

- Yes.

- [Phone rings]

- Where's the ring?

It's at my desk.

QF Design.

Yeah. Hold on.

It's your brother.

Um, gonna have to say I'm not here.

Yeah, but I'm not gonna lie for you.

Take the call.

[clears throat]

Yo!

GERRY:
Hey, Fitzy, where are you?

You just called me at the office,

and I'm trying to get out of here.

Oh, okay, good. Then you should

be out here soon, right?

QUINN:

Change of plan, my man.

I'm taking Abbie up to the Adirondacks

for the weekend.

Got some serious plans in place.

You don't think you can

just stop by for an hour?

All right, then we can show all this off

to your latest flame.

Hey, Gerry.

This is more than a flame.

Well, even more of a reason

to stop by then, right?

All right. I'll see what I can do,

but no promises.

Look, you don't have to

promise me sh*t, all right.

It's not my birthday.

Just the woman that brought you

into this world.

See what you can do.

[sighs]

[Phone slams onto receiver]

[sighing, moaning]

[Horn honking]

MAN:
Oh, no.

Don't stop, don't stop.

[woman whispers, indistinct]

[moans]

[Horn honking]

MAN:
No, it's not for you. It's not for you.

It's the neighbor.

WOMAN:
I gotta see.

Oh, you gotta be kidding me.

Oh, sh*t, it's my brother.

- Stay. I'll be right back.

- Okay.

What is this, Gerry?

What the hell are you doing here?

What do you mean

what am I doing here?

I got the supplies

for Mom's party tonight.

Oh, sh*t.

Oh.

Gerry, I can't host

the party tonight.

What do you mean you can't

host the party? Why not?

I'm having all this trouble

with the boys.

They're in trouble up at school,

and they're not even coming home

for Christmas.

So, I...

I gotta deal with them.

All right. So what does that have

to do with Mom's party?

Okay, um, there's something else.

I... I was waiting

to tell the family, but...

Skippy and I split up.

Like, three weeks ago.

I know, because Skippy

was in the bar a couple of nights ago

telling me all about it,

crying on my shoulder.

He also told me that you've been

having an affair for six months.

Yes, I...

I've been seeing someone

and, um...

You know, Skippy and I

tried to work it out, but it's just...

It's not gonna happen.

Who are you having

an affair with?

Do you remember, um,

Jimmy Esposito's little brother Johnny?

Johnny Esposito, the gardener's kid?

How old is he?

Uh, I don't know. 20s...

maybe 30s.

How did you end up hooking up

with Johnny Esposito?

- He cuts my grass.

- He cuts your grass.

That's fantastic.

MAN:
Hey, Sharon.

How about I just pop out

and drop you at your mom's

on my way to East Hampton?

No, you don't have to do that.

MAN:
Not a big deal.

I'm just gonna take the train

or I'll call my brother or something.

Not the brother that I met?

No, that's Gerry. He's an a**hole.

I'll call Quinn.

I wouldn't mind just, like, taking you.

I could see the house.

I could meet your mom,

say "Happy birthday."

[chuckles] No, that's definitely

not happening.

I haven't brought a boy home

since my junior prom date.

- I learned my lesson then.

- Wow, luckily I'm not a boy, honey.

[Chuckles]

Promise you I'll do better

than your junior prom date.

All right.

So...why don't we do that?

Do what?

I'll drop you off.

Meet some of the brood.

No, you're not seriously asking

to come meet my family today.

Are you?

Is that such a bad thing?

[Stutters]

No, I just... I didn't think

we were, you know...

at the meet-the-family place yet.

I mean, I'm having fun

and you're having fun right now...

Yeah, I'm having fun.

I didn't mean to make it so complicated.

- Good.

- It's fun, it's good.

- Okay, good.

- Yeah, that's fine.

- Great.

- Call your bro.

Hey, Erin, the house

looks real festive.

Perfect place for a party tonight.

We can't have everybody over here.

I have to put the baby down at 7:30.

Mom said that she wanted to celebrate

at one of her girls' houses.

Now I've explained to you

why we can't do it at Dot's.

Connie's place is too small,

Sharon's apartment in the city

is obviously not an option.

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