The Football Factory Page #2

I... I didn't mean nothing by it, Bill.

It was only a bubble, that's all.

Just a bubble?

What you talking to me

in that f***in' muggy rhyming slang for?

I never f***in' liked you,

you little c*nt.

You're a wrong 'un,

just like your old man.

He was a degenerate f***in' drunk.

Do you know what I'm thinking?

I'm thinking I should take you

outside and open you up.

- Leave it out, Bill.

- Leave what f***in' out?

What, d'you wanna get

involved an' all, do you?

Don't be stupid.

I'm just saying, he's only a kid.

No, let's have it right, Tom.

If he's old enough to run round givin' it large,

f***in' bashing people up with us,

he's old enough to talk for himself.

I'll tell you something, Zeberfuckindee,

I think I should take you outside

and teach you a lesson

for mugging me off and making me look a c*nt

in front of my f***in' pals.

I...

I didn't say nothing.

Come on, outside,

you little f***in' stumblebum.

Leave it out, eh?

Stop mutterin' and stutterin'

and f***in' liven yourself up.

I f***in' had you there!

F***in' hell, Zeb,

you should have seen your f***in' face.

I thought you was gonna burst into tears.

What is it, four, five...

eight lagers, Donna, please, babe.

There'll be none of this in Australia.

As of next week,

strictly the amber nectar.

Not to worry, William.

I think I'm more of a cocktail man anyway.

Well, I won't be sitting next to you.

Well, that was the idea.

Bill, Albert,

I didn't see you there. Wanna pint?

My grandad didn't like Bright.

Knew he was a bully.

Bill and Albert were just kids

when they did their National Service.

They were one of the first off the

landing crafts on June 6th.

Bill aways told me the only thing that kept him

going was Albert's determination and will to live.

They came home proud war heroes

and married

their childhood sweethearts.

And buried 'em together as well.

The council moved Albert to the flat above Bill

and they swapped door keys,

always vowing to keep an eye

on each other.

Very funny. Very, very funny!

- Are you all right?

- Yeah, yeah.

Now a little one. Now a little one.

That's it, now let me get the door.

Let me get the door.

I'll be right in there.

Comfy? Do you want any help with that?

Bet you've seen some changes,

eh, you two? Yeah.

Bit different nowadays,

though, innit, eh? Gone.

It's the Pakis coming over in the '70s, see.

Taking over everything. Spoilt it.

And what you got now, eh?

What you got now?

F***in' asylum seekers.

Bloody Tony f***in' Blair.

He's gotta be a poof, ain't he? New Labour?

I mean, and this game's gone.

There was a time I used to be able to clear

seven and a half, eight hundred shots a week.

Not any more. Nah.

Now what you got is your f***in' spades

up in Soho moonlighting!

Moonlighting!

F***'s sake, that's a joke!

You need a full moon just to see 'em!

This country was built on

good people like yourselves.

Not enough of you about,

that's what I say.

Here, let me give you a hand with that.

Swing your old arse round in there, look.

That's it, lovely.

And I just want to say, it's been a privilege

to drive two gentlemen like you.

And the fare's on me.

Don't be silly.

You're letting the wheelchair fool you.

No, I insist.

It's been an honour.

Don't forget, you watch

out for them darkies, eh?

What a wanker.

Let's go dancing.

Although he talked a lot of bollocks,

in some ways the cabbie was right.

Bill was what put the Great into Britain.

He was an old war hero.

But he'd moved on.

It was Australia for him and Albert now.

Somewhere they could live out

the rest of their days in the sun.

Hello, Mavis, my little darling.

How are you?

I shall be sad to see you both gone, Bill.

Are you packed up yet?

Course we have.

Ain't you gonna say goodbye?

Can't you do better than that.?

What are you talking about, Bill?

Don't you know?

You f***ing disgusting old man!

That's what I loved about Bill.

He was still game.

He'd dreamed about. Living abroad for years

and how his time had come.

I even give him and Albert a little treat

for going away.

My grandson gave me a going-away present.

A joint of his very best home-grown.

You mean drugs?

Yeah, well, you light up old, son.

I'll make do with this.

It's amazing to think

in a couple of weeks

we'll be watching the sun go down

on the other side of the world.

And it won't be surrounded

by tower blocks.

Miles of golden sand and bronze tits.

You packed yet?

Haven't given it a thought.

My case has been packed

and sitting inside the front door for three days.

You want to get your skates on, Farrell.

Oh, stop nagging, you old woman.

- You know what Bert?

- What's that?

I'm feeling dizzy.

You always were, you dozy bastard!

The next best thing to violence is sex,

and seeing as there's

nearly 500,000 single women in London,

I must be in with half a chance.

Especially as I'd f***

anything that's breathing.

I tell you, I'm f***in' mullered, me.

I am f***in' mullered.

Look at the f***in' boat on it.

Imagine that round your f***in' helmet.

No, no, no, Tom.

Proper f***in' slosh pots.

Shut up, you...

What's the matter with you?

All right, sweetheart?

You all right, girl, yeah?

- All right?

- Do you want a drink?

A few tequilas?

A couple of little

cheeky tequilas, yeah?

Shall we get on it?

- A little cheeky tequila...?

- Tequilas.

Get these two birds here

a couple of tequilas.

I'm gonna smash the f***in'

granny out of that.

London's changed for the worse.

All the good people, right,

all the good people...

are being forced into the suburbs,

due to the influx of illegal immigrants

forcing their way into this country.

- I mean...

- Hey, mate.

Mate, will you shut your f***in' noise?

Here you are, sloppy bollocks.

You f***in' c*nt.

Get up there, girl. Get up there.

I cannot wait to f***in' see your fanny.

I'm gonna f***in' ruin you...

- Let's have a butcher's here. Rod, look.

- Smash you in the...

- Look at that.

Beautiful, beautiful.

He's only fallen asleep, Tameka.

Same here, Shian. Little f***ers.

Shame. He's hung like a pike in here.

Good for you.

I've got a stickleback in here.

You f***in' little mug!

How dare you come into my f***in' gaff,

and try and get hold of my little sister

against her will?

You're in bandit country now, boy,

no-one will even know

you were f***in' here.

There's holes dug all over South London

for people like you.

Jesus.

I was expecting cornflakes and a quick wank.

But instead, I get some nutter

in a Stone Island jumper and a blade in my face.

And worst of all,

that was where all the trouble started.

Oi, silly bollocks. What are these?

What?

- What are they?

- Flowers.

- What sort of flowers, dinlow?

- Lilies.

Then what are they doing

with the chrysanths?

All right. Sorry.

- What?

- Er... there's someone here to see you, Bill.

Who?

...the back door.

Left her watching Blind Date.

Marched on up to The Venus

and bumped into Sonny.

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