The Forbidden Room

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Hello. I'm Marv.

Today we're gonna

discuss baths.

More specifically,

how to take one.

Baths have been around

for a long time.

The ancient Romans

built fancy ones,

like Caracalla.

In the Middle Ages

they were called stews,

because you had to be stewed

in order to take one.

They were open

to both sexes.

Today the Japanese

have bisexual bathing.

Here in America we didn't

bathe so much until recently.

The Saturday night bath

used to be a ritual.

Today it's more like

every other day

or... even every day.

How do I know this?

People have told me.

That's how.

Start drawing your bath

until it gets to

the temperature you want.

Meanwhile,

remove clothing.

Carefully insert your big toe

in the waters.

This will tell you

if it's too hot or too cold.

Hopefully

it'll be just right.

Once in the tub,

start soaping.

Start with the armpits

and work down

to the genital area.

Work carefully

in ever-widening circles.

Breathing, breathing.

In short, gentlemen,

because of

the destabilization

the blasting jelly

has become depressurized...

All 500 pounds of it.

The only thing

that keeps it from going off

and destroying us all

is the 50 fathoms of ocean

pressure above our heads.

If we were to rise

any higher,

we'd be blown to Nep...

We haven't surfaced

in months.

We need food.

-We need oxygen.

-We should tell the captain.

No. No!

He hates

to be bothered.

But this is important!

Let's make a break

for it!

Let's head for the surface

and hope for the best!

Are you mad?

We'd be blown

to Neptune's daughters!

We are doomed anyway!

Is it really so mad?

Two days. Forty-eight

hours of oxygen.

Breathing.

Breathing, breathing.

Why always flapjacks?

I told you,

there are air pockets

in the batter

of these flapjacks.

Our oxygen will last

almost twice as long

with these babies.

No. Leave it.

Leave it! Leave it!

He's wet!

Why...

this is freshwater!

If he got in,

maybe we

can get out.

How did you... Wh...

How did you get here?

I can't remember.

I was in a forest.

I saw... a woman.

-Who is this man?

-Why, that's our captain.

I know him.

Twelve hours.

In just 12 little hours...

Breathing, breathing,

breathing,

breathing,

breathing,

breathing.

Wait! Maybe we shouldn't

bother the captain after all.

We're the jelly boys.

Our place is here in the back,

protecting the jelly.

What the stuff is

I couldn't tell you,

but it's our job

to take care of it.

Should he be here?

Should be in the forest.

Four men in the forest,

as the old bard wrote in one

of his lesser-known plays,

trying to rescue

a kidnapped woman.

They can't agree on anything.

Or so the story goes.

Now see here, boys.

I know we've been rivals

for Margot in the past.

This is an emergency.

We must put aside

all the dirty tricks

we've been happy to play to

each other and work together.

Yes,

but the Red Wolves...

The most feared forest bandits

in all of Holstein-Schleswig.

Yes, I know, but we can't let

that stop us. They have Margot.

And who knows

what they're doing to her.

We are aspiring lumberjacks.

Strong men.

Saplingjacks

are four fine here standing.

We know a hundred more

woodmen in these parts.

We all have our axes

and our brawn.

We just have to

get together and attack.

We can get her back and put an end

to these Wolves once and for all!

I can make a list of all

the lumberjacks we could ask.

We have no time for lists!

I can go to the various camps

and see if anyone's interested,

see how many people we can get.

Make sure you tell them that it's Margot

that's missing. She's so beautiful.

There's bound to be

more volunteers

if they know they're going

into the forest for Margot.

No. No questions.

No surveys.

We go now. We crush the Red

Wolves and we get Margot.

I can't go. I can't come.

I-I-I'm...

I would... I want to,

but I-I-I-I can't.

I'll come. I just have to finish the cord.

It'll take two minutes.

Then I'll come with you, even

if it's just the two of us.

I love Margot, and I resent

you suggesting I don't.

They say the Red Wolves

have fled to Mergel's Cave.

Fled?

Look!

A model of Mergel's Cave!

We can use it

to make a plan!

Which one of you is Wolf?

I am... Wolf.

You are Wolf,

the leader of the Red Wolves?

Yes, I am

their leader.

But who are you that risks his life

to ask such an obvious question?

I am Cesare, and I'm not

worried about risks.

I seek to join your men

and serve you.

How do you expect to

earn a robber's trust?

Obey you. Obey you.

Obey you.

Then obey me now.

Starting now,

every night you must perform a

task exactly as I describe it.

Terrifying ordeals

that have winnowed the

weaklings from our number

since the days

of my father.

If you pass through

this terrifying ordeal,

you will then

earn the right...

But only then...

To rob by my side

and wear the pelt

of the Red Wolves.

I'm ready

for your worst.

-Yeah!

-Yeah!

You have earned

our trust and devotion.

Welcome,

brother wolf.

Saplingjack,

return tomorrow night

and move that rock

from there to here.

And return

the night after that

and drink the boiling water

from this cauldron.

And again the night after

to challenge this gazelle

to a foot race.

Wouldn't that be a test

more worthy of the Red Wolves?

Yes, saplingjack.

Tomorrow night,

and night after night

till you've earned our trust.

And I'll tell you

when you've earned it.

In the meantime,

daybreak comes.

Sleep among us if you will,

but not with us.

Come to sleep.

I don't

understand you.

You beg me to come meet you

here, you need to talk,

and then you make me

wait for hours?

A man could easily

kill you.

Ladies and gentlemen,

put your hands together

for...

Good evening. Thanks very much.

My name is...

Got a little song for you.

Goes something like this.

Master!

Master!

Thank you!

You've been a great audience.

See you next time, everybody.

Drive carefully. Good night.

You know

I love you anyway.

See, now, that's a story.

As for what's going on here

in this submarine,

I don't know what it is,

but it makes me nervous.

Hey, you know

the old joke...

What's the difference between a woman

in a bathtub and a woman in church?

Give you a clue.

The woman in church

has hope in her soul.

Be careful about passing gas

when you're in the bathtub.

It doesn't just go away.

Look. He hasn't even

eaten his flapjacks.

He is not here.

Everything's chained

and locked.

We shouldn't be in here.

His mother's room.

He sleeps there sometimes.

The fights they have!

It's an old struggle

with scars on both sides.

Hot magma

flows between them,

for the whole earth

is not solid,

but everywhere

gaping and hollowed

with empty rooms and spaces

and hidden burrows.

Let's get that parachute

on you!

Sorry about that.

Who are you? Go!

Dream, volcano.

This is for you.

Fish.

Fowl.

Psst. Psst.

Tire.

Hip necklace.

Sweet tapioca.

"Gardener boy sought."

Is good for me.

What you do hear?

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