The Four-Faced Liar Page #2

crowd chatter]

All right, here we go.

Here we go.

Careful!

Never have I ever fallen on my face

and broken my nose twice.

Well, never...

Never have I ever pulled over

on the parkway and shat in a bag.

Prom night!

Never have I ever peed in the hallway

of our apartment building.

- I didn't poop.

- But you peed!

I didn't poop.

Never I ever stripped

in the Halloween Day parade.

Just the once.

It's unfathomable!

Dude, your little boyfriend's here.

What the hell is wrong with you?

Greg totally wants Trip's sweet ass.

- It is a sweet ass.

- That's right.

Why do you think everyone's gay?

I don't think everyone's gay.

I don't think Chloe's gay.

I have totally kissed a girl.

Sweetheart, if I thought you were,

like a second, gay, I'd be all up in it.

Well, now is your chance, Bridge.

- Want to do me in the bathroom?

- Yes.

Stop hitting on my girlfriend.

Oh, were you about to do that?

Didn't think so.

- A**hole!

- F***er!

Hey! Cute skirt.

I'm a 4.

Wow... Shots.

Do you really need that, Greg?

Hells yes.

- Hi.

- Hi.

Hi.

What are you?

I'm a pumpkin.

Of course.

What have you been up to?

Not a whole not.

You know, I've been staying at home,

biting my bottom lip.

Wow!

You're an ass.

?

[crowd noise]

Hey.

Hi.

Oh, uh, I'm actually

a guy under here.

Okay.

Some people think I'm pretty cute, too.

I'm sure.

Can I get you something?

Like a date?

I was thinkin'

more a drink, but, uh...

Oh, okay, sure.

- Trip...

- Can you hold that thought?

Oh, my God. Just shut up!

I won't say anything.

I won't even talk about

that guy that you blatantly flirted with

in the movie theater line the other night.

- Bridget, he was so...

- Let it go!

I'm letting it go. It's gone.

- I could throw you right now!

- Ooh, like sexually?

Really mature, Trip.

Mature... Cataw!

- Just shut up!

- I'm done.

[Game sounds]

Chloe seemed pissed.

- She's okay.

- Okay.

Sh*t.

You gonna marry her?

No...

I don't know... Probably.

Yeah, me too.

I mean, Molly.

Greg...

- She's perfect.

- Shut up.

How do you handle this?

We don't really have this problem.

You mean your boyfriend doesn't flirt

with other girls right in front of you?

He doesn't...

He doesn't flirt with anyone, really.

Shocker.

- Just apologize.

- What for?

- You flirted.

- I don't flirt.

- Oh?

- Girls find me.

Makes sense.

I mean, even if he'd just apologize.

- Exactly.

- What for?

He should apologize

for being an ass.

For flirting with another girl

right in front of her.

We don't flirt -

girls just find us.

Makes sense.

You think she'd

at least be on our side.

I mean, you have to be

more sensitive than the average guy.

- But I'm not.

- Of course you are.

You can tell by the way you listen.

Exactly. He doesn't listen.

Of course he listens.

Okay...

Hey, Trip, what's December 7th?

Uh... Pearl Harbor Day.

Yeah. And our anniversary.

I want to go to the ballet.

Okay. Ballet. Anniversary. Love you.

See?

Okay, okay.

I don't really know if that proves

that I'm more sensitive than all guys.

Stop saying that.

You listen with your whole body

and you have this intense eye contact.

No guy, not even the best guys,

have that.

But I don't really feel like

that's a gender thing.

I feel like that's a personal thing.

You're so wrong.

Okay... look at modern literature.

All of the greatest female characters

were written by women

because no man could ever write

from a female's perspective.

Women have this

compassionate chemistry

that allows them to listen

with an unbiased ear...

All women, even you.

We should do

Anderson's project together.

Okay.

So glad I'm a dance major.

[Laughter]

?

I totally want kids some day.

Okay.

Oh, did you get that quote

on page 126?

Um, no,

I don't think I did, actually.

Here.

What are you doing?

Um, you might need a bookmark.

So cute.

- What?

- What?

You're flirting with me.

No, I'm...

Oh.

Wow. I'm...

It's fine.

You're my only girlfriend

in the city, so I just...

Be careful how you use that word.

Sorry.

Don't be.

Greg...

Not now.

I don't get it.

Dude, there is nothing to get.

I just don't think the

whole gay thing is natural.

Dude, you never

screwed someone in the butt?

A guy?

No, dude, a girl...

in the girl butt.

Oh...

No, Molly would never.

She's not like that.

Oh...

Chloe is.

Molly's been... weird.

Lately, I mean, just lately.

Dude, they're all weird.

No, not Molly.

I mean, we really connect on everything.

It's just ever since I moved here,

we just have less and less

to talk about.

- That's a bad thing?

- F*** yeah.

We talk about everything.

Like, we've already

planned our honeymoon.

Ew!

Dude, Chloe's always

talking about her feelings

and her emotions

and her period and sh*t...

What the hell am I

supposed to do with all that?

I don't know.

I just can't read her anymore.

Dude... stop trying.

?

She's so desperate.

No, I really don't think

Catherine's desperate.

- I get her, actually.

- You?

You're the most anti-romantic person

that I've ever met,

and you understand

the neediest woman ever written?

But she isn't needy...

Or indecisive, even.

I mean, she's right.

Like, here she's talking

about Heathcliff, and she says,

"Whatever our souls are made of,

his and mine are the same,

and Linton's is as different

as a moonbeam from lightning,

as frost from fire."

But she still takes him.

I mean, she represents

that typical human struggle...

that conflicting need

for consistency - Linton -

and passion - Heathcliff.

Wow.

What?

Uh... you just described me.

I'm totally Catherine.

Okay.

No, it's true.

I mean, Greg is my Linton.

He's absolutely everything

that I could ever want in a guy,

but he's just...

He doesn't...

Haven't you ever wanted to be thrown

up against a wall and kissed hard?

Yeah...

I'm usually the one

doing the throwing, though.

Yeah.

So maybe if I

initiated it more with Greg...

Maybe you should just

start kissing other people.

Oh.

Where were you all day?

With Bridget.

All day?

Yeah, Greg, all day.

All right.

What?

I just said, "All right."

If she wasn't gay,

would we be having this conversation?

No.

That's offensive.

[Game sounds,

announcer voice]

He's not coming, is he?

He still might come.

I've called him a thousand times.

He's not coming.

It's double overtime... He's not coming.

God forbid he pick up a phone.

- But it's double overtime.

- Shut up.

Hope you like the ballet.

Damn it.

So, why didn't you go again?

I hate the ballet.

She's gonna kill you.

Nah... Double overtime.

She'll understand.

Okay.

And technically it's still

our anniversary.

I haven't missed it yet.

She's gonna kill you.

No... She loves these things.

She's gonna love it.

Mmmm...

Just doesn't seem like... quite...

Enough.

Yeah.

She's gonna kill me.

I'm sorry...

I'm really, really sorry.

Oh, I actually got to...

I'm gonna go ahead...

I-I don't, uh...

I don't expect you to forgive me...

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