The Frighteners Page #2

happening. I couldn't believe it.

Hey, Stuart... in or out.

Not even a banging toilet lid.

I looked like a a**hole.

We strained our backs

lifting that heavy-ass bed.

Oh, yeah. What idiot put the number

on the guy's forehead?

It wasn't funny.

Start pulling your weight,

or it's back to the cemetery.

Pull this, Frank. I'm about

to go like Jesse on your ass.

I'm going to find some other

black ghosts and organize a march.

The African-American

Apparition Coalition. The AAAC.

I'll tell you something.

Nothing's worse than some pissed-off

brothers that's already dead!

Therefore, a happy ghost

is a productive ghost.

To that end, I've drawn up

a list of suggestions.

Bear in mind, we have given you

five years of loyal service.

Flies. That's what

you've given me, flies.

Why do flies stick to you guys

like sh*t to a blanket?

Very funny. You're a funny guy.

You only think about yourself.

I could complain, too.

I need some new clothes. I still look

like Linc from "The Mod Squad".

You died in the '70s. Bummer.

Now, Frank,

we got to talk about cigars.

You promised to buy me a box.

I hate to tell you,

but you're dead. You can't smoke.

Light one and blow the smoke

in my face.

If I light a cigar,

I'll blow my lunch in your face.

Everybody, get down!

Damn it, Judge!

Put the shooters away!

That was a head shot!

He could have killed me!

If I wanted to get shot at every day,

I'd move to Los Angeles!

When a man's jawbone drops off...

it's time to reassess the situation.

I got myself...

a nice little grave

up there at the cemetery.

It could soon be time

to lay my bones.

You're my go-to guy.

Without you, I'm out of business.

Frightening...

that's a young man's game, Frank.

I ain't got no more hauntings

left in me.

What? You're in...

great shape.

My joints are getting powdery.

The dog is running away with my face.

Hell, I'm falling apart.

You have been for years.

Don't say nothing to the boys, but...

my ectoplasm is all dried up.

I'm sorry to hear that, Judge.

Give it up, Frank.

Death ain't no way

to make a living.

I have to finish this house.

You'll never finish this house!

You'll never finish nothing!

You're fooling yourself, Frank!

Too many skeletons in the closet.

Okay, this is it.

We got to be hard.

We go in like Charles Bronson.

We don't stop till the screaming starts.

I'm with you.

Let's go.

Yeah. Let's kick some ass.

Here we go.

One, two, three.

Good morning,

my darlings. Hello.

The mail is on the table,

Mrs. Waterhouse.

Sylvia, Mother is coming for lunch.

Pick up. Quick.

Big kiss.

Quit jumping around like a baby.

This is serious.

We're going to scare the living

daylights out of your parents.

- Will you help us out?

- Are you with us?

See? He gets it.

The kids always get it.

Let's go.

Mrs. Waterhouse.

Mrs. Waterhouse!

Damn. Here, man.

This one did le poo-poo.

- Get it away from me.

- Oh, man, it smells.

Mrs. Waterhouse!

My babies!

Frank Bannister.

I'm on my way.

Persistent residue of the departed.

Always a problem this time of year.

Frank Bannister. I believe you called.

Not a minute too soon.

- Frank, she...

- Shut up.

Frank, it's no use.

This is bad.

Recurrent spontaneous psychokinesis.

This could be the worst case

I have ever...

seen.

I apologize for calling you,

Mr. Bannister. Please leave.

What are you doing to me?

Preying on the bereaved

is as low as you can go.

You're a parasite.

People should be warned.

I've a right to offer

my services to the public.

In case you haven't noticed,

we are having a major health crisis.

The last thing the people here need

is a two-bit charlatan...

passing on bogus messages

from the other side.

Now, if you will excuse me.

I'm just trying to make a living.

Living? Not a word you'd know

a lot about, is it, Mr. Bannister?

Hey, easy.

You all right, buddy?

That was quite a fall.

Bannister!

You have to help.

They're going to bury me.

You have to help.

What is happening to me?

You appear to be dead, Ray.

That's impossible.

I'm in the prime of my life.

I work out.

My wife's a doctor!

- Why didn't you take the corridor?

- What corridor?

The passageway to the other side.

Because I don't belong there!

Jesus Christ, I'm only 29!

Just relax, all right?

Tell me what happened.

I was on the rowing machine.

Suddenly, I felt this vice-like grip

squeezing my heart...

and I couldn't breathe, Frank,

I just couldn't breathe.

I have the shakes.

I need some vitamin B.

You can't take vitamins anymore.

You don't eat, drink or go to

the bathroom. All that's over with.

In a year, you'll get another chance

for the other side, to be a pure spirit.

In the meantime,

you're an earthbound emanation...

a rotting cloud of bioplasmic

particles, dripping ectoplasm.

Relax, Ray.

All right, Bannister.

Can you give me a ride

so I don't miss my funeral?

Don't worry.

They won't hurt you.

What in the hell is going on out here?

Get back in your graves!

Son of a...

Holy Jesus.

Frank Bannister!

Go ahead. I'll handle this.

What are you doing in my graveyard?

You have been told to stay away!

Sound off like you have a pair!

It's a public place, Hiles.

I do not like you!

Do not bring your spooks in here

without permission. Disappear, scumbag!

I am not one of your shitty

little emanations!

You cannot push spirits around!

You are scum!

Using spooks to put the frighteners on

people! That makes me physically ill!

We have a lot of lowlifes around here!

I will provide an armed response

at any sign of trouble!

They must be contained!

Catch you later, Hiles.

My tour of duty

runs another 85 years!

There's a piece of dirt here

with your name on it.

I'm waiting for you,

you little maggot!

There were times

when people accused Ray...

of being less than generous,

but I am sure that deep down...

the man possessed a heart of gold

and a generous spirit.

It's true. He wouldn't lie,

not at a time like this.

Because God has chosen...

to call Ray from this life to Himself,

we commit his body to the ground.

Earth to earth,

ashes to ashes, dust to dust.

Jesus, what a waste.

It's a goddamn tragedy!

Good-bye, Ray.

Oh, sweetheart, don't cry.

Oh, sh*t!

Hey, Frank!

I know you can hear me!

Get me out of this hole!

Frank! Get me out!

Hiya, Frank.

Hi, Walt.

I'm surprised to see you.

Here on business?

Not exactly.

They're going to bury me alive!

I hear you and Lynskey had a little

run-in the night before he died.

Apart from his wife...

you were the last person

to see him alive.

You're the one here on business.

No. The FBI is very concerned

about these deaths.

They look like heart attacks...

but when they slice these people open,

their arteries are...

clean as a whistle.

But there's been tremendous pressure

on the heart...

like the life's been

crushed out of it.

You got any theories?

Bannister!

You mind if I pay my last respects

before they fill him in?

Yeah. I'm sorry.

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