The Front Page #6

A writer.

You'll have a drink, Howard?

Sure.

Here we go.

To a giant

of the entertainment world.

Business looks good, Sam.

Full up.

Loss leaders.

We give discounts so the

rooms won't stay empty.

To tell you the truth,

we're not even holding our own.

The upkeep, which comes

to what I want to mention.

The $500.

I already accepted, Sam.

I don't need your song

and dance.

You promised five.

I was hoping five.

I figured I'd steal a little

from the band,

from the dance team,

make it up that way,

but you know the unions.

They could shut me down.

You knew this

when you said five.

I was still hoping.

Last year I played this joint

for how much?

All right, today

is not like last year,

but I'm still Hecky Brown.

Don't you forget that.

You can't get Hecky Brown

for 250.

Maybe 300...

Out of my own pocket.

I piss on your 300!

Who else is offering that much?

Don't be foolish.

Face facts.

There's a cloud over your head.

If it was up to me personally,

I'd pay you the moon,

but business is business.

Now, you drove

all the way up here.

You want to go home empty?

Take the 250.

You said 300.

I'll see what I can do.

I need to be funny

Like some need cocaine

In a club

In a show

And the john in the train

When I enter, I entertain

Doing anything for a laugh

A laugh, a laugh

A laugh

Anything for a laugh

You were great.

You were really great.

Let's stop this pretense.

Room 904.

Isn't he fantastic?

I could watch him every night.

He's so hilarious.

You a guest here?

Yeah.

What do you do?

I'm a dentist.

Professionally?

I'm Sandy.

Herman.

Herman Miller.

You have your own practice?

Yes, I do, but I got to get

another guy in with me,

because it's getting too big.

Are you, by any chance,

attached?

Only to my work.

Hecky, Hecky, what can I say.

I'm a well-known

gynecologist.

Words fail me.

One of the great performances.

You can tell your children,

your grandchildren,

you saw one

of the all-time greats

without peer.

Beautiful.

I did what I could.

But you said 300.

Maybe next month.

Out of your own pocket.

By popular demand.

What comes out of your pocket?

Tell me.

Hecky, will you stop?

Hecky, stop.

Tell me what's inside here.

Hecky, don't tickle me.

Hecky, will you stop

being so-

Appreciation? Sympathy?

Hecky, Hecky-

What comes out of your pockets?

You know what comes out

of your pockets?

What! Blood!

Blood comes out of your pocket!

Get him out of here!

Blood!

Get this crazy-

I want to kill you,

you son of a-

I want to-

Get him out!

Get him out of here!

Out! Out!

Get him out! Get him out!

I want to-

I want to-

Get him out of here!

You fat pig.

You'll never work again!

I'm Hecky Brown!

I'm Hecky Brown!

You'll crawl in the gutter,

you red bastard!

You commie son of a b*tch!

Come on.

Give me that.

Hey.

Here's what I want you to do.

I want you to sleep

on the sofa tonight,

because you'll find

it's extremely comfortable.

It's brand-new.

You're going to like this.

See?

Just stay here...

And, uh, open the window...

Let me make you

some coffee, okay?

It's all Brownstein's fault.

I wouldn't be in this trouble

if it wasn't for Brownstein.

Yeah, who?

Brownstein.

Hershel Brownstein.

Who's Hershel Brownstein?

You can't make a deal with him.

That's the trouble.

He won't listen to reason.

Is that your real name?

Hershel Brownstein?

Brownstein!

Lay off,

you hear me?

Lay off or I'll kill you!

Jesus, you know,

people change their names.

It's no crime.

What do you know?

Who the hell are you?

A newcomer.

Why don't you sit down?

Why don't you shut up?

You think you're so special?

Talent is no protection.

You do as they say or else.

I'm going to make you

some coffee.

This is a very nice

apartment. Very nice.

Thank you.

You have nice things.

Bookcases, hi-fi...

And nice furniture.

You like this apartment, I bet.

You worked hard for it.

You deserve it.

You'd like to keep

this apartment, right?

You know what we should do?

We should call your wife,

because you should

tell her, at least,

where you are tonight.

Where'd you go last week?

Nowhere.

Nowhere is somewhere.

From the heart, please.

No credit unless

it's from the heart.

Here and there, you know.

Like, around and about.

What do you want me to say?

Where'd you go last year?

Year before, who'd you see?

Where did you march?

What did you sign?

Nothing.

That girl you go with,

on the show, what's her name?

Florence.

A troublemaker.

I heard her talking.

Subversive. She's a red.

No.

You like that girl?

Yes, I like her.

What's her name?

I told you.

Her full name.

Florence Barrett.

You know she's a red?

Stop it, Hecky.

I don't like this game.

Actually, I think you could say

that modern American fiction

began with Huckleberry Finn.

But what about Melville?

Especially today,

the sense of evil.

Oh, yeah. How could you

leave out Melville?

You must be so excited,

the show going from

a half-hour to an hour.

I was expecting it.

With those ratings?

After all, they're

no fools up there.

Do you think you can get

the same quality in an hour?

Well, it is a problem,

no doubt about it.

It's like going from

a short story to a novel,

but one thing I've learned

in this business,

if you've got the talent,

you got the quality.

Ah.

Phil. Howard.

I want you

to meet Hubert Jackson.

Jackson Supermarkets,

you know, out on the island.

Congratulations, gentlemen.

Thank you.

Hubert's a great fan

of your show.

Never miss it.

Thanks again.

But he's a little concerned

about some of the actors

that you've been using.

We go for the best,

Mr. Jackson.

Well, in my opinion,

some of them are pretty pink,

Mr. Sussman.

That's just the makeup.

I told Hubert

that we are

as concerned as he is.

Not that they are,

of course. The actors.

We take every precaution.

The slightest hint.

I know my customers.

If they think a company

is sponsoring reds,

they just don't buy

their product.

How do they know?

I tell them.

Put a sign right up

over the product.

Yes, I thought you might

send Hubert

a list of the actors

you plan to use.

Let him look them over,

give you any ideas he has.

Absolutely.

You'll get full cooperation

from us, Hubert.

Nothing to worry about.

Thanks, boys.

How many stores that guy got?

Three, maybe four.

He's got three stores,

he tells a whole network

who to hire?

Who wants trouble?

Nice to see you again,

Mr. Prince.

Here's your check, Herb.

Thanks.

Here you go, Bill.

And yours didn't come yet, Allie.

What?

Because you were late

with the script, remember?

You got to watch that.

Oh, by the way...

Here's your script back.

It needs a rewrite, I'm afraid.

What didn't Sussman like?

Well, I didn't show it to him.

What do you mean,

you didn't show it to him?

It wasn't ready.

Come on, Allie.

You know.

I can't hand in

anything, you know.

My name's going on that script.

I got a reputation.

Howard.

I'll try to write

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