The Gay Sisters Page #7

DON'T YOU?

NO, I MEAN

AUNT EVELYN-

THE ONE WHO SAYS "BLIMEY"

AND CALLS ME "NIPPER."

WHEN DID YOU STAR THIS "AUNT" BUSINESS?

IT WAS UNCLE GIG.

HE SAID IT SOUNDED

MORE FRIENDLY,

LIKE WE WAS RELATIONS OR SOMETHIN'.

AM I A RELATION,

MISS GAYLORD?

IN A ROUNDABOUT WAY.

DO PEOPLE READ:

THESE BOOKS?

NO, NOT IF THEY

CAN HELP IT.

WHAT DO YOU LIKE

TO READ-FUNNIES?

OH, THEY AIN' - I MEAN, THEY ARE NOT VERY GOOD.

I USED TO LIKE 'EM

WHEN I WAS LITTLE,

BUT NOW I LIKE DANIEL

BOONE AND BUFFALO BILL.

I REMEMBER BUFFALO BILL

COMING TO THIS HOUSE-

TO THIS VERY ROOM.

YOU MEAN YOU REALLY

SAW BUFFALO BILL?

I NOT ONLY SAW HIM,

HE KISSED ME.

BUFFALO BILL:

KISSING GIRLS!

WELL, I WAS ONLY

A LITTLE GIRL.

WHAT DID HE:

LOOK LIKE?

DID HE WEAR HIS BIG WHITE

HAT, HERE IN THIS VERY ROOM?

YES, HE DID.

AND DID HE:

REALLY HAVE:

LONG, WHITE HAIR

DOWN TO HERE?

OH, YES! OH,

I REMEMBER IT SO WELL!

IT WAS A WINTER DAY

AND PAPA-

MY FATHER-

MM-HMM?

INVITED A LO OF FRIENDS FOR DINNER.

I WAS SO EXCITED

TO BE ALLOWED TO COME.

I RAN DOWN THE STAIRS

AND WALKED INTO THE ROOM

AND THERE WAS PAPA,

AND OVER THERE...

WAS... BUFFALO BILL.

OH, HELLO, FIONA.

HELLO, SUSANNA.

UM, AUSTIN AND I ARE

JUST TIDYING UP.

COME ALONG, AUSTIN. THERE

ARE A FEW WE DIDN'T GET.

NOT SO MANY AT A TIME,

AUSTIN. THEY'RE HEAVY.

OH, I'M STRONG.

UNCLE GIG FELT MY

MUSCLE.

HE SAID IT WAS BIGGER

THAN AN ERSTER-OYSTER!

AND YOU LEARN:

BY YOUR MISTAKES.

THAT'S MORE THAN I CAN

SAY FOR YOUR MOTHER.

DID YOU KNOW MY:

MOTHER?

BEFORE YOU WERE BORN.

I THINK SASKIA HAS

YOUR DINNER READY.

YOU BETTER GO:

DOWNSTAIRS.

ALREADY? I KNOW,

VITAMINS AND VEGETABLES,

VEGETABLES AND VITAMINS.

SUSANNA,

WHAT'S HAPPENED TO YOU?

NOTHING.

YOU LOOK DIFFERENT.

I'VE JUST HAD

FRESH, PURE AIR.

FIONA, DO YOU THINK

THIS CASE MIGHT BE

SETTLED SOONER:

THAN WE THINK?

OH, I KNOW! YOU'VE BEEN

TO A FORTUNE-TELLER.

WHAT DID SHE SAY?

IT WASN'T A "SHE."

ALL RIGHT,

WHAT DID HE SAY?

THAT IT MIGHT BE SETTLED

SOONER THAN WE THINK.

HO HO! SUSIE, SUSIE!

WHAT A GAYLORD!

I'M SORRY IF I TELEPHONED YOU SO LATE,

BUT I HAD TO:

SEE YOU TONIGHT.

WHAT IS IT?

IT'S SOMETHING I WAN TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT.

COME TO:

THE LIBRARY.

THEY GOT ME OUT OF BED AN

HOUR AGO WITH THIS LETTER,

TELLING ME SOMETHING THAT YOU AS

MY CLIENT SHOULD HAVE TOLD ME FIRST.

MISS GAYLORD...

WHEN I ENTERED THE

PICTURE AS YOUR ATTORNEY,

I HAD NO IDEA A SITUATION

LIKE THIS WOULD EVER ARISE.

BUT IT HAS, AND

I AM YOUR ATTORNEY.

AT LEAST,

FOR THE PRESENT.

NOW I MUST HAVE:

THIS WHOLE STORY,

TRUTHFULLY, FROM

START TO FINISH.

NOT NOW.

NOT TONIGHT.

CAN YOU BE AT MY OFFICE THE

FIRST THING IN THE MORNING?

YES.

VERY WELL.

OF COURSE, I SHOULD

BE VERY ANGRY WITH YOU,

BUT YOU'VE GONE THROUGH A GREAT DEAL,

AND YOU'RE

A WOMAN.

YES...

THAT'S WHAT GOT ME

INTO ALL MY TROUBLE.

GOOD NIGHT.

SUSANNA!

EVELYN!

WHAT IS IT?

COME OUT HERE.

EVELYN, EVELYN.

YES, FIONA.

WHAT IS IT,

FIONA?

COME INTO MY BEDROOM, PLEASE.

SISTER HAS A BEDTIME

STORY TO TELL YOU.

OH, GOOD. I LOVE

BEDTIME STORIES.

MUST BE IMPORTANT-

IT IS.

GET INTO BED.

IT'S RATHER CHILLY.

YOU MAY AS WELL KNOW THAT WE'RE GOING

TO HAVE ONE CHOICE, JUICY SCANDAL

BREAK OVER OUR HEADS.

WHAT KIND:

OF A SCANDAL?

ABOUT AUSTIN'S MOTHER.

WHO IS SHE?

I AM.

WHO'S

THE FATHER?

CHARLES BARCLAY.

CHARLES BARCLAY?

NO!

OH, I WISH

YOU WERE RIGHT.

DO YOU REMEMBER:

WHEN I WAS 21

AND I SUDDENLY GOT MY

HANDS ON SOME MONEY-

THE MONEY THA ENABLED YOU, EVELYN,

TO GO TO EUROPE:

AND GET MARRIED?

YEAH.

AND THE MONEY THAT GAVE

YOU YOUR DEBUT, SUSANNA?

OUR GREAT-AUNT SOPHRONIA

DIED AND LEFT $100,000

TO BE GIVEN ME:

THE DAY I GOT MARRIED.

WE WERE STILL LIVING LIKE

GAYLORDS IN THOSE DAYS,

AND WE NEEDED THAT MONEY-

WE HAD TO HAVE IT.

REMEMBER COUSIN WILLIE, THE PIMPLY-FACED

KID WHO WAS ALWAYS CRAZY ABOUT ME?

WELL, I THOUGH I COULD MARRY HIM,

GIVE HIM $25,000

OF THE $100,000,

AND CALL IT A DAY.

I MADE OLD VAN RENNSAELER ADVANCE ME

THAT MUCH, AND I STARTED FOR VERMONT.

HEY!

WHERE DO:

YOU THINK YOU'RE GOING?

WOODLAND. ISN' THIS THE WAY?

NOT OVER THIS BRIDGE.

HEY!

HEY, IDIOT!

DON'T GO BACK

OVER THAT PAVING-

NOW LOOK WHAT YOU'VE

DONE TO MY ASPHALT.

YOU KNOW THIS IS

GOING TO HOLD ME UP?

IF I FINISHED IN TIME, I WAS

GOING TO GET A BONUS. BUT YOU HA-

I'M SO SORRY.

HA HA!

OH, WHY, THAT'S

ALL RIGHT.

IT'S A PRETTY

LITTLE BRIDGE.

AND SUDDENLY, HE

GOT THAT SPANIEL LOOK IN HIS EYES.

THE WAY SNOOKY USED TO LOOK

WHEN HE SAW HIS DINNER,

AND I GOT AN IDEA.

I TOLD HIM:

A FANTASTIC STORY

OF HUNTING FOR A QUIET LITTLE

PLACE TO STOP FOR A FEW DAYS' REST-

THAT I WAS JUST RECOVERING

FROM THE LOSS OF A DEAR ONE,

AND THAT I THOUGHT TIME,

THE GREAT HEALER,

WOULD COME TO MY RESCUE A LITTLE

QUICKER WITH MOTHER NATURE AT HIS SIDE.

WELL, HE KNEW JUS THE PLACE FOR ME TO STAY,

A FARMHOUSE IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD

WHICH TOOK A FEW PAYING GUESTS.

BEFORE YOU COULD SAY "KNIFE,"

HE HOPPED INTO THE CAR BESIDE ME

TO SHOW ME THE WAY.

HE TOLD ME SPINNING THE TIRE IN THA HOT ASPHALT HADN'T DONE IT ANY GOOD.

HE'D CHANGE IT.

BUT HE DIDN'T WANT ME

STANDING ABOUT IN THE HOT SUN.

WE WERE VERY CLOSE

TO THE FARMHOUSE,

AND THERE WAS A SHORTCU THROUGH THE MEADOW.

THEN HE GOT THA SPANIEL LOOK AGAIN.

HE'D HAVE TO CARRY ME

ACROSS THE BROOK.

I... SHYLY AGREED.

HE PROMISED:

HE'D BE VERY CAREFUL.

THOSE STEPPING STONES,

AND ME WITH MY SOFT LITTLE ARMS

ABOUT HIS STRONG, SUNBURNED NECK,

AND HIS MANLY HEART POUNDING

AGAINST THAT HONEST LEATHER JACKET...

BY THIS TIME,

I WAS SOLD ON MY IDEA.

WHY GO CHASING:

ALL THE WAY UPSTATE

AFTER PIMPLE-FACED

COUSIN WILLIE:

WHEN I HAD A MUCH MORE ATTRACTIVE

SAP FOR MY PURPOSE CLOSER AT HAND?

I SAID TO MYSELF, "HE'S JUST A

COUNTRY BUMPKIN FULL OF ROMANTIC IDEAS.

"A FEW DAYS OF

BUCOLIC LOVEMAKING,

"A FEW MOONLIGHT NIGHTS,

"AND I'LL HAVE

A RING ON ONE HAND

AND AUNT SOPHRONIA'S

MONEY IN THE OTHER."

THE EVENINGS I SPEN ON THAT FRONT PORCH

WITH HIM TRYING:

TO HOLD MY HAND!

BUT I WAS FULL OF GIRLISH

MODESTY AND PLAYED HARD-TO-GET.

AND IF YOU THINK

THAT WAS EASY,

YOU SHOULD TRY TO BE GIRLISH

AND SEDUCTIVE AT THE SAME TIME.

I WALKED OVER AND SAT DEMURELY

IN THAT HIDEOUS ROCKING CHAIR,

WHICH NOT ONLY SQUEAKED,

BUT HAD HORSEHAIR IN THE SEAT.

HE ROSE TO THE BAI LIKE A TROUT GOING UPSTREAM.

HE LEANED OVER THE RAILING

AND TOOK MY HAND AGAIN.

AND I WAS ABOU TO LET HIM KISS ME...

WHEN THE FARMER'S GRANDDAUGHTER

CAME OUT AND BROKE THE SPELL.

I THREW HIM:

A SOFT AND PLEADING LOOK

AND ROSE INVITINGLY TO MY FEET, AS

IF TO SAY THAT THE MOMENT BETWEEN US

WAS TOO SACRED TO BE

SHARED WITH ANYONE,

AND I LURED HIM:

OFF THE PORCH:

OUT TOWARDS:

THE APPLE ORCHARD.

THE SETTING WAS PERFECT.

A STICKY FULL MOON AND

ME IN A TRAILING CHIFFON DRESS.

A STALWART, SILENT HERO

AT MY SIDE.

I EXPECTED AT ANY MOMENT TO HEAR AN

ORCHESTRA STRIKE UP AND

THE TENOR SING A SOLO.

YOU KNOW, APPLE BLOSSOMS,

MOONLIGHT, AND YOU.

WE WALKED UNTIL I THOUGHT HE WOULDN' HAVE STRENGTH ENOUGH LEFT TO PROPOSE.

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