The Harry Hill Movie

Watch out, mate!

Slow down.

Get off the pavement.

Out of the way, baldy.

Hi! I'm Harry and this is my movie!

Yay!

Hiya!

Whoa!

Ah!

Sorry!

- You can do it!

- I can see the head.

Keep going, you're nearly there.

Push! Push! Push!

- It's a girl.

- Thanks, Harry.

Come on, get it open. Come on.

- Thanks, Harry.

- Don't mention it.

Why didn't you let me pass, Nan?

I thought you were someone else.

Mrs Pickford's not been the same

since her dog died.

Well, at least this new one

seems to do as it's told.

- Yeah.

- Come on.

- Did you get the chicken?

- I knew I'd forgotten something.

- You'll have to get one out the coop.

- I hate doing that.

Well, then there's

no mid-week roast.

You and your set menu.

Sniper!

Looks like I'm henned in!

Dinner is sewed.

And I picked these up

for breakfast too.

Harry, love, sit down.

- It's time I told you something.

- What is it, Nan?

You have got

a long-lost twin brother called...

Otto, I know. There's pictures

of him everywhere.

What, and I've told

you this before?

Yeah, for some reason

every-time we have eggs!

Can I tell it you again, anyway?

Well you're going to so...

Many years ago,

when you was just a boy...

- What's happened to your voice?

- It's my flashback voice.

Many years ago,

when you was just a boy...

Get on with it, Nan.

Your mother and father

left me to look after you and Otto

while they went off on a romantic

mini-break for two.

To Butlins...

but they never came back.

I thought they'd been killed

in a freak wave pool accident.

But I later discovered

there were so many attractions on

offer they just couldn't leave.

There was tennis and

archery, falconry.

There's entertainment every night from top

entertainers from the past like Lulu.

- Lulu?

- Yes.

I couldn't look after both of you,

so I did what any responsible

grandparent would do

and I sent Otto to live with a

family of Alsatians near Kettering.

And that was the last...

saw of him.

So, he was brought up by Alsatians?

Oh, yes. It's more common

than you'd think.

But you and me Harry,

we've been happy living

together ever since.

Yeah, about that.

It's not ideal is it?

What?

Well, it's difficult for me

to bring girls back.

- Girls?

- You send me to bed at nine,

you always leave the toilet seat up

and why should you have

the top bunk?

Are you trying to tell

me something, Harry?

Maybe it's time you thought

about moving...

Abu!

Come on, Nan.

Abu, are you all right?

I'll check on him.

Abu!

He's a bit under the weather.

He looks alright to me.

It would seem that something...

has disagreed with him.

Let's drive.

But take it easy, Nan,

just in case he's sick again...

You got those wet wipes Nan?

"Gone but not fur-gotten".

"A loving and special friend"?

Well, that's a good start.

She says we need an appointment.

- But this is an emergency.

- I'm sorry, but we're very busy

and there's absolutely no way

you can see the vet

without a pre-booked appointment.

The vet will see you now...

Nice tracksuit.

Yes. A rash; red and swollen

round the thighs,

some green discharge,

Interesting.

OK. Bye, Mum.

Now, where were we?

- Excessive vomiting.

- Ah, right.

We can give him something

for that. Come here.

There!

But to get to the bottom of it, we're

going to need to run some tests.

Will they look

sinister in a montage?

I'm afraid so.

Ow!

Harry, take a seat.

- I think you might need a drink.

- Thank you.

I thought it was tangy.

Well, that was misleading.

When you pointed to the...

I was pointing at the chair.

Listen, Harry. It's bad

news, I'm afraid.

You see these

areas here... and here.

Yes. Like I say, 'not good'.

And the test results, well - ouch!

- Can he be...?

- Cured? No.

Poor Abu.

- How long's he got?

- Oh I don't know! A week tops.

Which is why I'd like to ask

the nurse to put him down.

There must be something we can do?

There's only one thing we can do.

The kindest thing.

Mary!

Ah, Mary! Would you mind

doing the honours?

Ah!

On!

Never mind.

Thank you for the days

Those endless days

Those sacred days you gave me

I'm thinking of the days

I won't forget a single day

Believe me

Days I'll remember all my life

Days when you can't

see wrong from...

We'll take him home

and think about it!

Harry.

We failed.

He's still got the hamster.

The boy, Kisko.

Did his disguise fail?

No, his disguise was impeccable.

Well, then, get me that hamster.

We'll try, but...

No buts! Get me that hamster!

Yes! It's an evil twin thing!

That's the Alsatian in me.

And once you're mine, Abu,

there's a spot with your name on it

in my very own Hamsterville.

Look at the little fella,

sleeping soundly.

Blissfully unaware

that he's going to die.

Die? I'm actually

feeling a lot better!

He's awake!

Maybe you should tell him?

Let's not. I don't want

to ruin his last week.

A week?! But I've just paid

a year's subscription to Netflix.

Abu, if I wanted to,

for no particular reason,

give you the best

week of your life,

just for fun.

Nothing sinister about it.

And you could do anything,

what would it be, old friend?

One thing.

Is there any chance you

could get me to meet Rihanna?

- She's gorgeous, that girl.

- Really?

Well, if you're sure.

He wants to go to the top

of the Blackpool Tower.

- No!

- I'm not surprised.

We had such happy holidays there

when we were nippers.

Why don't you understand

me? Rihanna.

How can you be sure?

You don't speak hamster.

No but I speak a little gerbil

and it's practically the same,

- What?

- Just a bit more...

That's guinea-pig!

Rihanna, if you're watching,

I've got one week - call me.

See how excited he is.

- We're all going to...

- Rihanna's house!

... Blackpool!

City of a thousand dreams

Blackpool!

So much fun it's bursting at the seams

Blackpool!

Fish and chips of world renown

Blackpool!

It's your archetypal seaside town

- Buy sticks of rock...

- ...and candy-floss

Or take a stroll along the pier

Blackpool!

City of a thousand dreams

Blackpool!

Where you see behavioural extremes

Blackpool!

See the roller coaster gleam

Blackpool!

Listen to the children as they scream

Yo, give me five

Sea and sun, hot dog in a bun

Kiss me quick, drink on a stick

A paddle and a picnic

When it showers, spend an hour

Up the Blackpool Tower

Wave your deckchair in the air

Yo! Like you just don't care

Blackpool!

Blackpool!

Blackpool!

I wonder who that could be?

Nan! How many times?

No strippagrams on a week night.

No Harry, I'm Father... Jesus...

and this is Sister Man... sfield.

Sister Mansfield.

I heard your Hamster was ill and I'm

here to read him the last rites.

I had no idea Abu was Catholic.

You'd better come in.

Where is the little...?

Tea? Coffee? Coke float?

Thank you, but as a priest we're

only allowed to drink holy water.

- Really?

- Yeah, pretty sure about that.

- Where's the hamster?

- In his bedroom.

- I'll show you up.

- No! No.

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