The Harry Hill Movie Page #2

It's best if you stay

with Sister Mansfield.

- Things can get a bit...

- What?

The power of Christ compels you!

You'll never convert me.

In nomine patris

et filii et spiritus sancti.

- A bit like that.

- Right, well, I'll leave you to it.

Umbrella.

No. No means no, Rihanna.

- Gotcha.

- I'll tell the Pope about you!

Woo hoo!

Try doing this with a Kindle.

Nunning. I suppose that's

pretty much recession-proof.

Yes.

Ah!

That's magic!

It was Abu, on the shelf,

with a dagger.

Ow!

Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow!

- Ooh!

- Arriba, arriba!

Andale. Andale!

Yeah, guess what?

I'm not in the hat any more.

Coming up, inappropriate uses

of a crucifix. Number one...

Of course, Jesus

backwards

is Susej.

Sister Mansfield?

Can you come and assist me?

- Radiator.

- Whoa. It's Julie Mandrews.

Ah!

Don't look up, Abu!

Where's he gone?

Oh!

I've got my hand on

something furry.

What the...?

So this is what you

get up to, is it?

Right, get out.

You dirty...

Honestly, you people took a vow.

Harry, Harry, Harry, Harry-

It's that vet.

He's trying to kidnap me.

That's right, Abu. That image will be

difficult to get out of our heads.

But there's a lesson in this.

When strange people

knock at your door,

always remember to request some photo

ID, and if you're not convinced,

phone the company they say they're

from, or alternatively the police.

Right, little buddy,

you'd better get some sleep.

- We've got a long day tomorrow.

- Agh!

Strap in, Abu, and get ready

for the best week of your life.

This is a hostage situation.

That's the spirit. Blackpool ho!

Your Google Maps is out of date.

No, no, this is Sepia Maps.

All the villains use it.

It lets you track your arch enemy

anywhere in the world.

It's got some nice

touches, actually.

Germany's still called Prussia.

There's dragons in the sea.

Right, you two!

I can't afford any more failures.

Literally. The rent on

this HQ is astronomical.

There's a service charge which includes

the gym which I don't even use.

Now, as my erstwhile

brother is on the move,

you follow that car,

and when his back is turned,

you steal that hamster

and bring him to me!

And if you fail...

Great. Steak for dinner.

I love steak.

No, not steak for dinner.

You end up like the steak.

Technically if you are gonna

feed raw meat to your dogs,

you should supplement their diet...

- Shut up.

- Just saying.

So, gentlemen, it looks like you're

going on a little road trip.

Dance with me.

Oh, please.

A church house, ginhouse

A schoolhouse, outhouse

On highway number 19

The people keep the city clean

They call it Nutbush

Oh, Nutbush

They call it Nutbush

city limits

25 was the speed limit

Motorcycle not allowed in it

You go to store on a Friday

You go to church on a Sunday

They call it Nutbush

Yeah, Nutbush

They call it Nutbush

city limits

I spy with my little eye

something beginning with...

- ...C.

- Car.

- No.

- Cruise control.

On a Rover 2200 SC?

Guess again, Nan.

- Creepy bald guy?

- Good try, Abu.

But the last Cafe Rouge

we passed was in Winchester.

- Eh?

- No one?

It was charming retirement home.

Your last three goes have been

care home, removal van and skip.

- You trying to tell me something?

- Well, it can't last forever, Nan.

I mean, what if I meet the right girl,

get married and need the space?

Oh, yeah. I've got a good feeling

about this trip.

Well, I'm glad someone has.

Brilliant camouflage, Kisko.

They'll never suspect a thing.

Nutbush city limits

What? Eh?

Guys, we're being followed

by a mobile cone.

- No, Abu, we're not there yet.

- Turn left, you muppet!

Sat nav's a bit aggressive.

I said take the next

left, you toilet!

All right.

Ah!

Whoa!

Oi, baldy, tell the old

girl to put her foot down

or we'll be here all day!

- It's set on angry white van man.

- I'm not angry!

Isn't there a nicer setting,

like 'Milkman' or 'David Beckham'?

Guys, can you seriously not see

this giant traffic cone?

You should have gone

before we left.

- I give up.

- Here we are - 'Sheila'.

Keep going until the roundabout.

Here we go.

- Which exit, Sheila?

- What are you asking me for?

- How am I supposed to know...

- Oh, hang on.

It's Sheila, the white van man's

even angrier ex-wife.

- I'm gonna be sick.

- ...it's my fault that we get lost!

My old fella was right about you!

I never should have married you!

For God's sake, change it.

The only other one

is 'Yakuza Boss'.

It would honour us greatly

if you would take second

exit off roundabout.

This is much more pleasant.

Oops!

In 400 yards look

out for low bridge.

He's very helpful, isn't he?

But they eat tiny pieces of raw

fish, which seems terribly cruel.

- Uh-oh.

- Hmm?

Ooh.

Yes! Back of the net for Team Abu!

Yeah!

You have reached your destination.

- Arigato.

- Lovely.

- Blackpool Tower?

- Blackpool?

No. This is Blackpole.

- Really?

- Yeah. Look.

Blackpole, home of the black pole.

That's right.

Oooh.

Excuse me one moment.

Where are you going with

sat nav, Harry San?

What's he...?

Ooh.

Please return to car now.

No! Can't swim.

- Shall we find somewhere to stay?

- Yeah.

Well, this looks cheap.

Must check the sheets for curlies.

Hello. We're looking for a room.

- You've come to the right place.

- Let's show you round.

Make yourself at home

In our B&B

Treat the place like your own

In our B&B

You won't feel so alone

In our B&B

I'm afraid

We don't have space for parking

Please excuse the dog

He's always barking in our B&B

We got a few house rules

No need to feel ill at ease

Each room has

Tea and coffee-making facilities

Lovely.

We finish serving

breakfast at 6:
15

Mushrooms cost extra

If you're having beans

Gonna treat you

right in our B&B

It's a hundred a

night plus the VAT

Please switch off the light

These bills are killin' me

Top celebrities

Have found their way here

Oh, we hope you have

A pleasant stay here in our B&B

- Good night, Nan.

- Night, Harry.

- Good night, Abu.

- Night.

- Good night, The Magic Numbers.

- Good night, Harry.

He's only got one week to live.

Abu.

He wants to go to Blackpool.

Abu.

Abu. Abu. Abu.

Am

I know, you missed breakfast.

But don't worry,

I snuck up the toast rack.

So how did you get into

the henchman business?

Yeah, me too.

I've henched for everyone.

Scaramanga.

Lex Luthor. I did Tony Blair

for a couple of years.

I'll tell you who's nice who you

wouldn't expect. Darth Vader.

Well, thank you.

We've had the most lovely stay.

Sorry about the stain.

Thanks. Tell me, is there

much to see in Blackpole?

- You've seen the pole, right?

- Yeah, yeah, we saw that yesterday.

Well, you can't go without seeing

the nuclear power station.

I thought that was IKEA.

It's the number one tourist

attraction here in Blackpole.

After the pole.

Well, it certainly looks

entertaining and educational.

What do you think, Abu?

After all, it's your special week.

I'd rather gouge me eyes

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