The Harry Hill Movie Page #3

out with a Twiglet.

Well, if you feel that strongly

about it, power station it is.

- Goodbye, Magic Numbers.

- Goodbye, Harry.

Here we go again.

Ooh.

Oh, here they come.

No. We can't draw attention.

Sorry.

Ow!

Hello? Hello?

- Can you smell burning?

- Hello? Anyone?

- I can.

- Hello, me ducks.

We're here for the tour. I've been ringing

that thing for the last 20 minutes.

Oh, no. That's not a bell.

That's the temperature booster

for the nuclear reactor.

Oh, no.

Meltdown imminent.

Meltdown imminent.

Meltdown narrowly averted.

Sorry about that.

It's our fault for putting

it on the reception desk.

We've come for the guided tour.

I'm sorry, dear. The tour guide's

only here Monday to Friday.

- Gutted.

- Could I have a word?

The hamster friend of ours,

I know he looks fine,

but he's very ill.

- Nan, what are you doing?

- He's only got a week to live.

- Your hands are cold.

- Bless him. And he's only young.

Yeah. So if you could see your

way clear to showing us round.

It'd mean the world to him.

I'd love to, darling,

but I'm very busy, you see.

Maybe this'll change your mind?

But, sir, this is a

Nando's loyalty card.

With all six stamps.

You've got my number.

And this board here gives us

all the relevant information

for the reactor vessel.

Have you got Wi-Fi?

- Likewise the functionof this one.

- Now!

- Except it relates to the steam generator.

- Yes.

And right here we come all the way

down to the main one, which...

Ah!

Help me!

Harry! I'm being sucked up!

Ah!

That's a big one, isn't it?

This is where all the radioactive

waste exits into the water supply.

This is the filtration system

that ensures that the water

has zero possibility

of any contamination

causing mutations.

- Come with me.

- Did you...?

Hello. Could I speak to Otto Hill, please?

It's one of his henchmen.

- Woof woof.

- Is that you, Otto?

Of course it's me. Now tell me

you've caught that hamster.

Not exactly, boss, no.

He gave us the slip.

- Gave you the slip? And the disguises?

- No, our disguises were impeccable.

- Where is it, then?

- Look, it's a hamster.

I'm sure he can't have got far.

He must be around here somewhere.

What?

- Hello? Hello?

- I think I might have found him.

Call you back.

Ah!

Hello?

The fools!

Ah!

Oh, please!

To the cone!

It's a giant hamster!

The keys! Where are the keys?

Come on! Oh, it's open.

Ah!

Ah!

I'm gonna be sick!

And the canteen serves

a range of hot and cold food,

and they do a roast on Wednesdays.

- All this and a midweek roast, Nan.

- Oh, yes.

Come on, men.

I understand that the binding

energy of the nucleus is released

when the atom is assembled

from its constituent nucleons.

- But what's the mass defect?

- Weren't you listening?

The mass defect of a nucleus

is the difference between the total

mass of all its separate nucleons

and the mass of the nucleus itself.

- That's right.

- Of course.

Do it!

- Fancy a pint?

- Come on, men.

Look, I know that was wrong,

but it felt so right.

Anything else you'd

like to know at all?

Who'd have thought that thermonuclear

intra-molecular physics

would be so easy to understand.

- Abu? Abu?

- You're not gonna believe this.

You're supposed to be ill.

I just caused

a major international incident.

You hear that?

Abu's found the gift shop.

- Ah! Buy a phrase book!

- Thanks.

Enjoy!

This atomic winter snow globe's

going straight on the mantelpiece.

Or eBay.

- Ouch! Get off!

- What's that?

Watch where you're going, mush.

That's what happens when you lie

concealed on a public thoroughfare.

Look at your skin.

What's your moisturising regime?

Perhaps I should explain.

I'm from an ancient

race of shell people

called the Makuktuksoautrakuherx,

which in your language

translates as...

- Shell people?

- Yes.

Well, I'm Harry,

this is Nan and our hamster Abu.

- Yo, dude.

- Hi. My name's Barney Cull.

- Barnacle.

- No. Barney Cull.

- Barnacle.

- Do you think you could help me?

Sorry, mate.

Haven't got any spare change.

- I'm not homeless.

- You're sleeping on a beach, dude.

- Just saying.

- Come, let me show you.

- Actually, it's that way.

- That way?

So they steal your children?

Yeah, and then they sell them to

humans as ornaments for their houses.

- Well, hello, you.

- Help!

- Well, that's just sick.

- Yeah.

Putting something that tacky

in your house.

- What?

- Nan, please.

Barney, this is your lucky day.

I'm gonna go into that shop

and free those kids of yours

so that a whole new generation of

Makuktuksoautrakuherx may thrive.

- How?

- With this debit card.

Unbelievable! The prices in there.

They think because they're

the only shop on the beach,

they can charge what they

like and we'll just pay.

Honestly, rip-off Britain or what!

- Thanks for doing your best, Harry.

- Oh, no. This isn't over.

OK, this plan is complicated

and dangerous.

The slightest error, we may not

make it out alive, so listen up.

Shh...

OK, everything's gonna

be fine, guys. Don't worry.

Just five minutes,

that's all it's gonna take.

Where's Abu?

Go, go! Go on, go on!

- Hey, hey!

- Thank you.

No need to thank me, ma'am.

Just doing me job.

Well, that was easier

than I thought.

Welcome to my home.

- It stinks.

- Thank you. What's your name?

- Thank you.

- Your people are so generous.

You have done them great service.

It stinks.

Hmm. Oh!

- What's that?

- Creamed blubber.

It would be an insult to refuse it.

- Great.

- Go on.

- Cheers, everyone.

- Down the hatch, Harry.

Oh.

- Go on.

- Chewy bit.

You're embarrassing me.

- Come on.

- It's warm.

That's me boy.

He drank it!

They fall for it every time!

Priceless!

That's my kind of humour.

I drank it.

Eh?

I am Conch, King of

the Shell People,

Lord of the Estuary,

Protector of the Rock-Pool Realm

and current Champion of the

Crustacean Amateur Darts League.

We are here to honour

three brave heroes

whose noble deeds and

selfless actions,

with only superficial knowledge

of our race...

- Who's that?

- Michelle, the Conch's daughter

and the most beautiful shell

woman in the entire kingdom.

That she is.

I bestow upon you the keys to the

Rock-Pool Realm for a period up to

and including six weeks.

Terms and conditions apply.

So, without further

ado, let us party!

So I'm like 50 feet tall

and spitting fire bombs

and there's lasers

coming out me eyes.

And then this tank turns up. Yeah.

- Do you know what he's saying?

- Not a clue.

But the man's a hero,

so show a little respect.

He's like so cute.

You seem like a really

interesting guy.

- You speak hamster?

- I get by.

Come to the bar.

I'll buy you some blubber.

- So what's your name?

- Rihanna.

Wow!

I'm afraid that seat's taken...

by the most beautiful

girl in the world.

My mother warned me

about men like you.

I find that hard to believe.

There are no men like me.

They say an arrogant man

is just compensating.

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