The Harry Hill Movie Page #4

The only compensation I'm seeking

is for a fall I had at work

which wasn't my fault.

Seriously, I'm owed like

four thousand pound.

- Is that supposed to impress me?

- No. This is.

Stop that!

Outrageous.

The ancient laws clearly state

that 'inter-species carry on'

is strictly forbidden.

- Yes.

- How can you stand in the way of love?

He's right, Harry.

As much as it hurts,

we can never be together.

I'd be banished from my home.

And?

- No!

- Goodbye, Mr Stinkpot!

Come with me

Down in the deep blue sea

Here where the seafood's free

Down in the deep blue sea

The weather's good

in the main here

I've never once

seen it rain here

You'll find life here is better

Certainly it is wetter

Come with me

Down in the deep blue sea

Pure hydrotherapy

We'll get on swimmingly

The ocean sparkles and twinkles

And every breakfast is winkles

Come where people

have shells on

It's like Sea World

with bells on

You'll feel at home in a jiffy

Mobile reception is iffy

Conga eels doing the conga

Just hold your

breath a bit longer

Down in the deep blue sea

I couldn't breathe.

There was water everywhere.

My eyes were stinging.

There's no way I could

live down there.

You made the right decision.

Maybe I was too hasty.

We could have made it work.

I could have invested in a snorkel.

To be honest, I wasn't sure

about the smell either.

- No, she was a nice girl...

- Not the right one for you.

Nan. stop the car!

Free stick of rock. Well, this

certainly needs looking into.

- You look like a good sport, sir.

- Do I know you?

Absolutely not.

Beat the champ to win the prize.

He's tiny. It'll be like taking

candy from a baby.

- Harry.

- Literally. It doesn't seem fair.

This is a wind-up.

There's bound to be a catch.

Well, Abu, if you insist.

I'll do it.

I won't be too hard on him, Nan.

If you could just sign this

disclaimer before we start.

- Disclaimer, of course.

- Don't sign it, you mug.

- Thank you.

- Not at all.

In the yellow corner,

the challenger,

Harry 'Insert Nickname' Hill!

Boo!

Hey!

And in the red corner,

Kisko 'The Piston' Kalashnikov.

Nan, start the car.

But I thought I was

fighting the little guy.

I'm just here to watch.

12 rounds, win is by knockout,

and if Harry loses,

he loses his hamster,

as stated in this contract.

- What did I tell you?

- It's a stitch-up.

- Abu, there's a lesson in this.

- Really?

When signing any kind

of legal document,

always be sure to check

the small print.

Look at him. He's a monster.

- Round one!

- Go for his soft bits!

Keep your guard up.

That's it, tire him. Tire him.

Turn round! Don't run away!

Get in there! Punch him!

Weave, Harry! Now get up!

Get back in there! Go on!

Ow!

- Ow!

- Ugh!

Yes! Yes!

This is it, Harry. Last round.

Sorry, Abu.

- I don't think I can win.

- Do you think?

He's like the offspring

of Mike Tyson and a troll.

- We've had it.

- I know what the problem is.

We never gave you a

training montage.

Of course.

Bob and weave, one,

two. One, two!

You've got to fight

for what you want

For all that you believe

It's right to fight

for what we want

To live the way we please

Right, let's go and

win that fight. Go on.

Ooh!

Oh!

No!

- Yeah!

- Harry, get up! Get up!

One! Two!

Get up!

I ain't scared of you!

Three!

Four!

Tickle him.

Tickle him. Tickle him.

Tickle him.

Tickle him!

Eh?

Tickle, tickle, tickle,

tickle, tickle, tickle.

Tickle, tickle, tickle, tickle.

Tickle, tickle, tickle.

Tickle, tickle, tickle.

Yeah!

Harry! Harry!

Harry! Harry! Harry! Harry!

Oh, damn!

Don't look at me like that.

Don't judge me.

I'm still your little boy.

Oh, so now you're siding with her?

Thanks a lot, Dad!

Help. Help.

- We've run out of petrol.

- Why didn't you stop for some then?

To be honest, I fell

asleep just after you did.

It's a miracle we're alive.

There must be a petrol station

round here somewhere.

- Abu, wait in the car.

- Can you get me a Twix?

Of course.

I almost forgot.

Every year hundreds of animals die

needlessly in hot cars.

So if you are leaving your pet,

even for just a minute,

always remember

to wind down a window.

And a copy of 'Nuts'.

Sorted. Respect due.

I might buy some charcoal briquettes.

They're always handy.

K-I-S-S-I-N-G.

Nan? Ah!

You two, get away!

Mind your fingers!

Three pound on the nose.

You haven't lost your touch, Nan.

Could I interest you

in our car wash?

Maybe. There's so

many different types.

- What's the difference?

- Wouldn't you like to know?

Don't matter where you're going

Or where you've been

Ford Escort or Ferrari

I'll get you clean

I'll polish till you sparkle

Like a brand new pin

Throw me your keys now, baby

And let's begin

Drive through my car wash

You'll be so clean

You'll say 'My gosh!'

Worth every penny of your dosh

Come take a drive

Through my car wash

Let me tell you how I want it

Put a little more

shine on my bonnet

Here's the deal with turtle wax

Bend your backs and

polish to the max

A power jet to start

Then hot soapy brush

Full valet, that is something

That you just can't rush

Buy a new token

In case your time expires

I'll shammy everything off

Even your tyres

Drive through my car wash

You're good as new

You'll look dead posh

We'll do it really

quick Bish bosh

Come take a drive

through my car wash

Car wash!

So what do you want, then?

We don't actually

have our car with us.

You made us sing that

massive song for nothing?

Well...

Some people!

- Disco car wash song.

- Time wasters!

Yeah, very original.

Right, grab him. Let's go.

- Help!

- It's them.

Harry! Help! They're getting away!

Harry!

Where's all the petrol gone, Nan?

For God's sake, Nan. I thought

you'd completed all 12 steps.

Well...

Well, it doesn't matter, does it?

We're not going nowhere. Look.

Abu, if you were hot, you could have

nuzzled up to the open window.

That's just vandalism.

Huh!

He got away?

Huh?

And that's the best you've

got, is it? He got away?

Yeah.

I mean, how hard can it

be to catch a hamster?

We tried our best. It's been

more difficult than we thought.

Yes, I dare say it was difficult

trying to find a frock

to fit a seven-foot lump like him.

Actually, many of those

were my designs.

My mother has a sewing machine.

While you've been playing dress-up,

I've been forking out.

Have you any idea how much

all of this has cost?

Take a wild guess.

Don't. I'll tell you.

12,000, yeah?

I think you'll agree that's

rather a lot of money.

We really are sorry.

I must have the hamster by tomorrow

or it will all be for nothing!

I know the date's arbitrary, but if

I don't set some sort of deadline,

nothing ever gets done around here.

Which is why I have decided

to get you two a little help.

So, are you really as good

as they say you are?

Oui.

Excellent.

- La master du disguise.

- Huh.

- Hey, hey!

- Come on.

- Well, forget that.

- Probably a serial killer.

106 miles, walking?

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