The Harry Hill Movie Page #5

You sure you haven't got

change for the megabus?

Oh... Ah.

- A shell?

- Harry. Harry?

Harry. Harry.

Abu!

- What you doing?

- Nothing. Just...

At this rate

we'll never get to Blackpool.

It's stopping! Come on, Nan.

Hi, guys. Need a ride?

- Do we know you?

- Oh, come on.

Know them? That's international teen

singing sensation, Justin Bieber,

and his equally famous

girlfriend... Erm...

That's not Justin Bieber.

Are you blind?

That's it. Selena Gomez.

And may I say you're

looking delightful.

It's amazing how different

celebrities look in real life,

because you look

like a fully matured man.

Do I? How funny, because

I'm definitely Justin Bieber.

I'm only 16 or something.

What, and you left your monkey

at the airport?

- Justin, your hair is...

- Luxuriant and beautiful?

Yes, everyone always comments

on my trademark haircut.

See?

- Nan, this guy's a mess.

- I know.

Now we're all best friends, I'd like

to give you these front-row tickets

to see an amazing band.

- Band, Justin?

- Yes.

The greatest living all-canine

'Jackson 5' tribute band.

'The Dachshund Five'.

I'm their manager.

No, you're not. You're a

hamster-snatching psychopath.

Don't gush, Abu. Forgive

my friend. He's a massive fan.

Driver, are we there yet?

Almost. How do you say?

30 minutes.

And then it's show time.

We're here, Abu.

Smell that Blackpool air.

I could murder a kebab.

Hey, hey, mind my tail.

Merci.

Oh!

Great seats.

Now, a novelty T-shirt

and cushion for you, Abu.

And, Harry, I got you a hat and

this 'Dachshund Five' aftershave.

Wet Dog. Hmm.

Nothing for yourself, Nan?

Oh, yeah. I had this done.

- That's a bit hardcore.

- Dear God.

Wait till you see the

one I had done here.

It's starting.

Which one's Michael Dachshund?

- Second from the end.

- No, that's Jermaine.

Is it? Oh, yeah.

Oooh!

It's great.

Oh!

- He's gonna moonwalk!

- Go on.

Michelle? It's Michelle!

- Tell her to call back.

- But she's here.

How come you're in Blackpool?

Come on!

- Get in the...

- What about me cushion?

Harry! Harry!

- All right, Abu?

- Oui.

I wanna go for a...

- Harry!

- Michelle!

What are you doing here?

I ran away from my

dad to be with you.

No, I mean what are you doing

in here? This is the gents.

- I said to meet in the lobby.

- I couldn't wait another moment.

I've been so miserable

since you left.

- I think...

- Yes?

- I love you.

- I think I love you too.

- Oh, Harry!

- Oh, Michelle.

- Towel?

- Lovely, thank you.

Come on, don't be shy.

Great news, guys.

We've decided to give it a go.

Harry. Quick word.

- I really hate...

- What?

- I said I...

- I can't hear you!

I said I really hate Michelle!

She's got a face like an oyster's

backside and her breath stinks of fish!

Awkward.

Yahoo!

Celebrate good times, come on!

Watch the... And ooh...

And again.

Oooh.

Chip... nose...

All right, this has gone on

long enough. Shake hands.

Yeah, yeah, real mature.

You steppin' to me fam?

'Cause I will bruck you up!

- Yeah, bring it fam.

- No, Abu, you're allergic to fish.

Num, num, num.

Hang on a minute. That's not Abu.

No, it's a specially adapted

hoody. Who are you?

Je m'appelle Renard Depardieu,

the master of disguise.

- Which guys?

- Disguise.

- I don't see any guys.

- Not 'these guys'. Disguise.

Never mind that.

What have you done with Abu?

- The hamster?

- Yes.

He has been kidnapped

by these guys.

- How can you be kidnapped by a disguise?

- Not 'disguise'.

- These guys.

- Think he's saying 'these guys'.

- Voila. - I knew that.

- I was just playing along with him.

- What have they done with him?

- You will never find out.

- Ha! Au revoir.

- Oh.

We've got a hamster

In the boot for our boss!

Sing it, Kisko!

Celebrate good times, come on!

The stick of rock. That's it!

Abu!

Abu!

Come home!

Bring yourself home!

It's all getting a bit

'Les Misrables', isn't it?

Where are you now, friend

Lost in the night?

How could I let you

out of my sight?

I wander the streets of Blackpool and cry

'Don't let him die!'

I've interfered and

made such a mess

Spoiled Harry's chance

To find happiness

My family's wrecked

My love has gone too

What can I do?

And the rain falls in my heart

Will all my searching

be in vain?

And it's pouring down my drain

I feel the rain

fall in my heart

I hurt my daughter

Put her through hell

Need to relax

Come out of my shell

Won't rest

Till I have revenge on my twin

God, let me win

It just isn't fair

We take all the blame

Perhaps we should get out

Of the henchman game

Papier mch

Au revoir, gteaux

At any second this

place could blow

My doggy's well trained

He stays in his bed

He loves playing dead

And the rain Falls in my heart

I've seen the

business take a dive

Will our B&B survive?

I feel the rain

fall in my heart

And the rain falls in my heart

Rain falls in my heart

Falls in my heart

- Harry, look.

- Eh?

Yeah, shocking, innit? Especially

when there's a bin just there.

Barbecued beef.

No. It can't be.

I'd recognise that look anywhere.

That's your flashback face.

You're right, Harry, and I think

I know where we'll find Abu.

Follow the smell of barbecued beef.

A key!

Ow!

Ah!

Give me a biscuit and

nibble my hoops.

If it isn't my brother's hamster.

I've been expecting you.

Bit loud.

Come on.

- What about Michelle?

- Forget about her.

That girl's only good

for one thing.

A knob of garlic butter

and a side order of fries.

- Nan!

- Come on.

Start again. One...

Two... three... four... five...

42,003... 42,004... 42,005...

I'll never eat another barbecued

beef Hula Hoop as long as I live.

Oh, look, Nan.

Harry, I think we should

get out of here.

- Shh!

- Not without Abu.

Face it, if this was a film

and you saw that,

what would you be

shouting at the screen?

Turn around! Go back!

I know, but we must save Abu.

'This is it.'

Otto!

Welcome back to Blackpool.

Fancy a Hula Hoop?

It's like looking in the mirror,

only at Halloween.

Ah Harry, always the joker.

Perhaps this will wipe

the smile off your face.

Harry!

They've got me!

Abu!

Well, who did you expect?

Kermit the flipping frog?

What do you want, Otto?

Years ago we were separated.

- Why now?

- The hamster, Harry.

The hamster I never had.

You always got everything, didn't you?

The house, the toys, her!

While I was sleeping rough

with a pack of stray dogs next to

the M6, living off Pedigree Chum.

Have you any idea what it's like

to have to lick your

own bum, just to fit in?

I can't say I have... Once.

Once.

Everything in my world

was out of my control,

which is why I built a new world,

a perfect world,

where I control everything.

Harry!

- Plastination!

- Yeah!

Hang on a minute,

how did you know that?

Just a hunch.

Plastination!

Such a wonderful process.

It gives the effect of taxidermy while

keeping the animal very much alive.

Just to take the curse

off it, you know.

Now, prepare Abu,

he's my centrepiece,

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