The Hasty Heart Page #5

if nothing else does!

Say, wait a minute.

You're not gonna pay for all this yourself?

- Yes. But I want you to give it to him.

- Oh, no.

- lf we give it to him, we pay for it.

- That's right.

Sister, if that's a pricelist,

why don't you let us

pick out what we can afford?

- I think that's a very good idea.

- Yeah.

- Right. Come on!

- Let's get at it.

- All right, Blossom.

- Thank you.

- I think I'll give him the brogues, Sister.

- Good.

What about you, Kiwi?

- Hey, I could use a pair of these myself.

- Kiwi?

I'll give him the spats, and the stockings.

- I'll give him the belt, Sister. All right?

- All right.

- Thanks, Sister.

- Belt might do him a lot of good.

Well, what about you, Yank?

Well, if nobody objects,

I'll give him that jacket and skirt.

- Kilt, you Red Indian.

- All right, kilt.

I'd hoped you would.

Well, after all, I dislike him more

than the rest of you.

- How do you know this will fit?

- It will.

I checked everything with his regiment.

- Hey, what about Blossom?

- Hey! Mustn't leave old Blossom out!

Here, Blossom can give him the cap.

Go on, Blossom.

Blossom!

Hey, Sister, you better grab that quick.

Oh, Blossom, wait. Blossom.

It's for him. Him. Gift. Gift.

I feel like such an idiot.

- Kiwi, will you get it for me?

- I'll try.

- Oh, sure. Just go over and ask him for it.

- Yes, it's no risk, much.

We'll pick you up.

Here, Blossom, you haven't been

working on your beads lately.

- Pretty good, boy.

- I'm sorry, Blossom.

- What are you giving him, Sister?

- The sporran.

And that's everything.

- What is it?

- He keeps his small change in it.

Mixed with fish hooks, no doubt.

- Get your presents out of sight.

- Okay, Sister.

- Hey, fellas.

- Oh, what?

Didn't she forget something?

Something important?

What?

Well, don't they wear some kind

of fancy pants under this?

- Didn't you know?

- What?

Are you kidding?

- Well, it's a bit drafty isn't it?

- Drafty? It's indecent.

It's not indecent, just thrifty.

Oh, they must wear some kind

of diaper or something.

- Well, something.

- Nothing.

Get away.

Ten bucks says you're wrong.

- How much is that in real money?

- L2.

- Couple a quid, you're wrong.

- Well, at L2, the Yank's right.

- I'll take that, Kiwi.

- All right, you're on.

I'm telling you they're

the most haughty race.

Boys, please,

hurry and put those things away.

- He's coming back.

- All right, Sister.

- Digger, pour some more tea.

- Okay, Sister.

After all, this is supposed to be a surprise.

- Get the cups.

- All right, Sister.

- When do we give him the presents?

- I'll let you know.

- Am I big enough to give him his belt?

- Well, don't throw it at him.

How do we know

he'll accept these things?

He will, it's his birthday.

Well, there I was doing a bit

of plumbing in Buckingham Palace.

I was in the Royal Engineers

at the time, of course.

Well, I remember, it was raining that day.

And the King comes up to me and he says,

"Where's your hat at, my good man?"

So, I says, "We haven't been issued

with no hat, Your Royal Majesty."

So, he says, "Here, take my crown,

keep the rain out of your eyes."

I... I heard it was your birthday, Lachie.

Thought you may be able

to use a pair of brogues.

Congratulations.

Well, you can't wear the brogues

without the stockings,

or you'll get corns.

Good luck, Lachie.

Well, Lachie, seeing as how

it's your birthday, I thought...

I...

Here, look, Lachie.

Look, it says, "Made in Scotland," see?

Happy birthday.

I wish we had a haggis for you, Lachie.

I hope you have a very happy birthday.

God bless you.

All the best to you, Lachie.

Genesis, Exodus, Leviticus, Numbers...

I wanna have a word with you.

I don't understand you.

I do not understand myself.

You've done a thing that numbs my brain.

No man in all my life before

give me tuppence for nothing.

Or a kind word for a kick.

Forgot it was my birthday.

I wouldn't have remembered

if it weren't for you.

I thank you. One and all.

Digger.

But have I the right to take your kilt?

The taking lays a claim on me.

I must make it very plain to you,

I have no way to return your kindness.

So I must not make a mistake.

They say that sorrow

is born in the hasty heart.

Now, I've no wish to invite sorrow,

- so my problem is...

- Oh, Lachie, do be quiet.

For once in your life,

be hasty and risk a mistake.

But I must explain my feelings.

You don't have to explain anything.

Keep your mouth shut

and let your heart talk.

When a Scot makes a fool of himself,

he makes a big one.

Blow.

Take one.

- Is he gonna keep the kilt, Sister?

- Of course he is.

You were just searching

for a dignified way

to thank them, weren't you, Lachie?

Good boy.

Lachie, we were having a little discussion,

you could probably help us out.

Do you or don't you

wear something under the kilt?

Yank, what a question!

- No! We bet on it.

- We got a bet on it, Sister.

It's a very silly bet.

On behalf of general knowledge.

Well, Lachie?

My friends, I deeply regret

you've asked, for I cannot tell you.

It's the one question

no Scot will answer rightly.

- Now look, Lachie.

- Come on, Lachie.

Never mind, Lachie.

Just slip it on, let's see how it fits.

- Yeah. Good idea.

- Come on.

I have no intention of wearing my kilt

until the proper time.

You mean you're not gonna

let us see you in it?

I'll wear my kilt

when the occasion is fitting.

I'll put it on the day I leave here.

Not before.

Sister, you're not gonna

let him get away with that.

It's Lachie's birthday,

he can do what he pleases.

I'm pleased to wait.

Well, I guess the party's over.

Is there more to do?

No, buster, that's all.

A perfect Scottish birthday party.

Tommy.

You're sleeping on your back again.

- Roll over.

- Yes, my love.

- Lachie?

- Aye?

What are you doing out here?

You should be in bed.

I had a problem.

My brain gave me no peace.

What's worrying you? Perhaps I can help.

Well, it's not easy for a man

of my strong character

to admit he might have blundered.

I'm not what you think I am, Sister.

Are you sure you know what I think?

You undoubtedly

think me wise and shrewd.

I daresay you think

there's nothing confuses me.

Is that what I think?

It's what I thought myself until today.

You see, Sister,

I've not always liked the human race.

I had no love or respect for any man.

I had no faith in the goodness of people.

And the war came and did not help.

It only proved what I'd been thinking.

But you told me you had many friends

in Scotland

and various other parts of the world.

- Remember?

- Oh, I lied.

How could I have friends?

I had no education.

Being as poor as a church mouse,

I had no money to squander.

And there was always the fact that I was...

Well, well, there were

other reasons as well.

So I kept to myself.

I thought no one liked me,

and there was no one I liked.

I did not ken a man could be your friend

and not want something from you.

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