The Haunted World of El Superbeasto
How do you do?
be a little unkind
to present this picture without
just a word of friendly warning.
We are about to unfold
the story of El Superbeasto,
a man of action.
It is one of the strangest
tales ever told.
It may shock you.
So if any of you feel that you
do not care to subject your nerves
to such a strain,
now's your chance to, uh--
Well, we warned you.
All right now, b*tches, listen up.
The director's on the set.
The director is on the set!
Howdy-doodly-doo, ladies?
Gather round, gather round.
Big Time Movie Casting
is now in session.
I've got a very special porno--
I mean art film-- to shoot today.
So, time to get a-crack-a-lackin'.
You heard him.
Get your asses a-crack-a-lackin'!
Now just to let you know, I'm not
one of those shallow Hollywood types
I'm all about pure talent.
I want the audience to believe
in the characters,
to experience the emotions,
breathe in the spicy meatball man,
as they breathe life itself.
All right, Granny,
tell me a little about
that you're, like,
In 1910, I attended the
Royal Academy of Dramatic Arts
- on full scholarship, winning the...
- Next.
...stunning portrayal of Blanche Dubois.
Oh my God!
I know I'm, like,
totally like a star.
I know it!
Perfect perfect!
You're hired. Next.
I dig into the inner texture
of the soul of the character
and reflect society's issues with women
- and their hatred of the vagina.
- Next!
- Let me tell you--
- No.
- I'd really like to--
- Next!
- People make me nauseous.
- No way!
- Hello!
- Nope.
- Who do I have to f***--
- No.
- Oh, Edgar, why did you--
- Ugh!
- I'm ready for my-- whoa!
- Next!
Well, hello, honeypants.
I think a good tan is as important
as a good script, you know?
Also, I can't really read so good,
but I can do 300 crunches
without stopping.
Words are so overrated.
But on the other hand, tight abs--
so underrated.
Oh, oh my God.
Quiet on the set!
Sound speeds.
"Big Spicy Meatball Macho Man,"
take one.
And action!
Uh, line.
"Mama mia, how about
some a-delicious sauce-- "
Yeah yeah, I got it.
Okay, and we're still rolling, mate.
Mama mia, how about
some delicious sauce
for the spicy a-jumbo meatballs?
Ow! What are you,
like totally weird?
That's, like, so hot!
If it's not a-hot, how am I
gonna melt-a the cheese?
Luigi, she wonder why
it is too hot.
Aw, shut up a you face.
God!
That's what I call a spicy meatball!
- Oh, Luigi!
- Oh!
- Mama mia!
- You like-a Luigi?
Yes, a-you do!
Mama mia!
Ahhhh!
How do you like-a
my canole now, eh?
I'm gonna fill you up
with my cream!
Oh, Mama. The big finish--
she's inside!
Get ready!
Holy monkey!
That wasn't in the script!
Here we go again.
Please tell me
that was good for focus.
Yeah, focus was good.
We got it.
Check that gate, baby!
Yeah, good gate.
That's a wrap. Make sure
you hand in your paperwork
to Production before you leave.
Whoo! After a hard day
of directing-slash-acting,
there's only one way
I like to chillax.
Titty bar!
Now let's see.
Confidence? Check.
Frighteningly chiseled
good looks? Check.
Noticeable obscene bulge
emanating from the lower region?
What the f***?
A check-a-doodle-doo.
Later, G.
Keep it real, playa.
Hey, I'm here to kill the bats.
Carry on, my simpleminded,
minimum-wage friend.
Yeah, I only kill these things
on the side.
I got me an application in
to the Dinky Donuts.
I know I know,
you want an autograph.
Oh, that'd be great.
Sorry, I don't sign.
I feel it damages
my artistic credibility.
- What?
- Oh, fine.
Take a headshot, and here,
a Superbeasto bumper sticker.
Put it on your sh*t car.
Now lay off!
Cow-a-yay-ya!
It's about time for my theme song,
don't you think?
Maestro, if you please.
# Left upon a darkened stair #
# A baby thick with body hair #
# A wrestling family
heard the cries #
# And learned him
how to murderize #
# He soon grew up
and up and up #
# And now this
not-so-little pup #
# Had found a knack
for pounding guts #
# A**holes,
better watch your ass #
# Here comes a mangler
with a mask #
His hands are like hammers.
Each one is too big.
All surrender.
He renders them tenderized meat!
Ram 'em, jam 'em,
block 'em, clock 'em!
# El Superbeasto! #
# El Superbeasto! #
# El Superbeasto! #
Oh, sh*t!
Hey, man, what the hell?
I get my hands on you, I--
Gee, wipers--
whoo hoo hoo!
Hiya, Beasto.
Good to see you back.
Well, it's good to see
your back too!
- Or should I say crack?
- Oh, Beasto!
Nice rack, buddy.
Houston,
we no longer have a problem.
Time for a little
hair of the dog that bit me, Lloyd.
Get it? "The Shining"?
Hilarious.
A f***ing comedian.
What'll it be, Beasto?
I ain't in the mood for
tired '80s references, man.
Make it the Ethel Merman.
And because I'm a man
of superior taste,
I will take an order
of your tasty hot wings.
Doh!
Sorry, was this seat taken?
Yello, Beasto World Enterprises.
Beasto, I'm in position.
Operation Iron Eagle is a go.
Yeah, that's not really gonna
work for me.
Can we pencil this in
for next Thursday?
- Are you in a bar?
- No, I'm not in a bar!
I'm entering a bad cell area.
I might lose--
Suzy?
That was my agent. I'm working
with a win-win crossover
demographic branding thing.
You wouldn't understand.
Achtung, blondie!
- No running in the halls!
- Hiya!
Take that, Aryan a**holes!
What in the name
of the Fuhrer's head--
Gotta stay sweet.
O.M.G.
Giant spiky iron ball?
So clich.
I hate to waste you, sweetie,
but it's all in the name of freedom.
Uh-oh.
Feet, start moving!
Whoa, Mama!
anything like this next to his ta-tas!
Weee!
Hey, Murray, baby.
Did you miss me?
I missed you like the stars
miss the moon.
Murray, you need a girlfriend.
Hmm. If only I could
think of someone.
I was thinking--
I mean, I thought of someone--
Hold that thought.
We better make like
a banana and split, baby.
Uh, okay.
Hey, man, what's a girl gotta do
to get a theme song around here?
# Suzi #
with Hitler's head? #
# Watching you grow
# To the girl with the ass
that drives them wild #
# Did they try to
fit you in a box? #
# Cleaning up dishes
and sucking on c*cks #
# Was never enough
to make you smile #
# What the f***'s up
with your eye? #
# But nobody cares
when you're getting' all wet #
# Something about your titties
# And you know
you got a mission #
# To waste every
shitbag you meet #
# Suzi X #
# Oh, Suzi, what have you-- #
# What, have you built
yourself a robot, baby? #
# What, have you built yourself
# That can change
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"The Haunted World of El Superbeasto" Scripts.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2024. Web. 24 Nov. 2024. <https://www.scripts.com/script/the_haunted_world_of_el_superbeasto_9700>.
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