The Haunted World of El Superbeasto Page #2

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into all sorts of vehicles? #

# Oh, Suzi X,

the X is for X-tra bonus! #

# I got to get into your groove. #

Hi, I'm El Superbeasto,

and I always use

- Dandruff Away shampoo...

- Wow, this is embarrassing.

It's my commercial.

On the TV, right up there.

...have any more flakes

on my clothes.

People thought

I either didn't shower

or had a bad coke problem.

May cause anal bleeding,

penis shrinkage, migraine headaches,

and nipple crumbling.

You got a problem, Rover?

Go blow yourself, has-been.

Ooh, easy, Beasto.

Not now, darling.

I need to smash a little fuckface.

Oh my God, you killed him!

Calm down, folks.

You can't do any real damage

to a werewolf without silver.

The kid doesn't look so good.

No worries. He's fine.

Nothing to see here.

- Oh, silver-- not the silver.

- Back to your drinks.

- Oh, Beasto!

- Hey, bumper pool.

I'm next!

Oh, yeah.

Mmm.

Women,

women everywhere,

but none of them

bear the mark.

My army of video voyeur bats

are everywhere,

and I can spy on them all!

I can see them in their showers,

in their boudoirs,

even on the can.

Where are you,

my future queen of evil?

Ah, look who is in the paper!

Give me that,

you silly noodle-ass!

Steve Wachowski?

How many times do I have to

tell them it's Dr. Satan?

Dr. Satan!

Dr. Satan!

Steve Wachowski is no more.

There there.

Who's the big man?

I told them.

I- I- I told the editors.

I even legally changed my name.

It's not you, it's them.

I am evil, aren't I, Otto?

- Really really scary?

- Yes yes.

We all tremble

at your very name.

- You do?

- And by midnight tonight

so will the rest

of the world.

Do tell, Otto.

Tell me again how I will gain

all the sudsy powers of hell!

Oh God, here we go again.

Now pay attention,

because this is serious sh*t.

# Find the woman with

the devil's mark #

# On her backside #

In the Book of Revelations

the Number of the Beast

Is 600 and three-score six--

oh yeah!

# Bring her back here

for a meatpole ride #

"Here" is an adverb of location

referring to this castle.

"Meatpole" is an adjective

describing the kind of ride.

# Make her your unholy bride #

Marriage is a contractual union

generally recognized by society,

religion, and/or government.

In other words, legalized f***ing!

# Then you will be

transmogrified #

Into one giant fierce

horrifying Dr. Satan

with all the

sudsy powers of hell.

# Backside,

meatpole ride #

# Unholy bride,

transmogrified #

# If all these things

should coincide #

# Y'all motherfuckers

better run and hide #

# From one giant, fierce,

horrifying Dr. Satan #

# With all the sudsy

powers of hell inside #

# Well, all right! #

All the sudsy powers of hell!

I will be kicking some

major ass, buster!

Hurry, Otto, to the joystick!

Ladies and gentlemen, the

Haunted Palace is proud to present--

Miss Velvet von Black.

# She's the girl you read about

in girlie magazines #

# While you've got your

wiener in your hand #

# She is more addictive

than a mountain of crack #

# Velvet, Velvet von Black #

# Every fella gives the

old thumbs up when she is near #

# Melons that could

feed a pack #

# Of bears for a year #

# Miles of tits and a garden of ass #

# Velvet makes you harder

than a calculus class #

# She could suck the gay

right off #

# Of a painting of a unicorn #

# She could f*** you

right in half #

# Her cans are posable #

# That makes them hosable #

# Two, three, four #

# She'd be fun to lick

like a philatelist stamp #

# Especially if you like the taste

of kerosene lamps #

# Did I forget to sing

about her monstrous rack? #

# Velvet, Velvet von Black #

# If you want to meet her

for a casual screw #

# Don't get shocked when

you get balls of royalest blue #

# She will steal your cash

and shove a shiv in your back #

# Velvet, Velvet von Black #

# Funbags, meatballs #

# Love stones,

yabos #

# Velvet, Velvet von Black. #

Oh oh oh, is that it, Otto?

The mark-- I think I see the mark.

I think that mark could be

due to G-string chafing.

Otto, you must fetch her for me.

That could be the mark

of my unholy bride!

Just when I've almost

perfected my souffl.

Listen, you, you wouldn't

even be able to say souffl

if I hadn't put that smart screw

in your head.

I can always take it out,

you know,

send you back to the jungle.

You remember the

jungle, don't you?

Not the jungle!

There's no cable in the jungle!

Are we on the same page,

monkey?

Yes yes, master, yes.

Now huff it out of

here, gold brick!

Ooh! Ooh! Ahh! Ahh!

It's hot out.

Tomorrow's

gonna be even hotter,

they say.

Yes, hot weather

happens in the summer.

See the game last night?

A real white-knuckler.

That Puerto Rican kid

can really hit.

Okay, then.

Here we go. See ya.

Ah, finally.

Ooh! Ooh! Ahh! Ahh!

I think I left a nickel onstage.

Consider it my donation

to the Sad-Ass Ho Club.

Ay! What did she say?

I said "sad ho,"

you sad-ass deaf ho.

Funny!

Goddamn wedgies

up in my p*ssy and sh*t.

Excuse me, but I didn't see no sign

saying "dumb-ass ape wanted."

How charming.

All right. Here we go.

Keep it simple.

No fancy stuff needed.

After all, she's only a stripper.

You're a world-famous

man of action.

No need to be nervous.

Hello, Miss von Black?

Come on, get in there.

Excuse me?

Didn't catch that.

Come come come!

Come in? I don't mind if I do.

I hope you're not decent!

Yowza!

Hey, should I leave or join in?

I'm just gonna go.

Come on, Beasto.

Flowers? Beer hat?

Stop thinking with your brain

and start thinking with your c--

Do I look like a wheelbarrow?

Get your hands off me!

Did you say something?

Negative.

Hello, will somebody get

a monkey off a b*tch?

Take your stinking paws

off her, you damn dirty ape!

Now that's a little derivative,

don't you think?

That is one kinky broad.

Hello, am I in for some

hot monkey love? Hmm? Is that it?

Would you keep quiet? This is

humiliating enough.

What would Penelope say if she

knew I was with someone like you?

Be-atch, your sh*t should be honored.

I bet if I save Velvet

from that screwy ape

she'll love me long time.

But my order of hot wings

is almost up,

and I do love the hot wings.

Draping my ass over your

hairy-ass f***ing shoulders

like I was a mink-ass stole and sh*t.

- Mink stole? More like a stanky mole.

- Motherf***er!

If you want to scratch this here,

you better watch

your ass mouth!

Oh, but she does

have an amazing ass.

And those jumbo jiggly-wigglies!

The only thing that comes close

is the bleu cheese

they give you with the wings.

You see, the wings are spicy,

and the bleu cheese

cools them off just so.

Madam, you repulse me.

Hey, monkey, where's

your organ grinder?

I find that very hurtful.

Oh, boo hoo.

You know what else is hurtful?

Your thumb all up in my ass.

My thumb is not in your ass!

Well, why not?

What are you, queer?

Aw! I'll save the day.

Celebrity coming through.

Out of the way, lard-ass.

Grab my car, pronto.

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