The Haunted World of El Superbeasto Page #3

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I'm in a hurry.

Hey, get to the back

of the f***ing line!

People, people,

I only have so many headshots.

Motherf***er,

I don't want this!

Fine. Here's a free copy

of my new CD, "Beasto Crankies."

It's a full 40 minutes

of phony phone calls.

Hi, I'm calling from the bank.

Beasto, nigga, I know it's you!

No, it's not Beasto.

I'm calling from the bank.

Beasto, you hear me?

Stop calling my ass.

- I have some--

- Beasto--

Banking business to--

Now I'm off to see Suzi X.

What a d*ckhead!

Thank you!

# Explosion!

Hey, look at that bunch of zombies #

# I think they're Nazis,

that one had a tongue #

# She throws a thing,

it blows up #

# But a bunch get through #

# Why does a zombie need a scarf? #

# She turns left

and some don't make it #

# Zombie Nazis

f***ing with my day now #

# Here they come,

time to put on lipstick #

# That's not safe

while you're driving #

# And here comes a train #

# Sweet bleeding Christ,

she f***ing jumps the train! #

# Look at that a**hole,

what's he supposed to be? #

# Oopsy, hundreds of people dead #

# She got away and

everything is great #

# Are you shitting me?

Here comes more of them #

# Zombie Nazis

blocking up the road #

# Now the chase is done

so we can end this song. #

Okay, I'll make you a deal.

You surrender

the head of the Fuhrer, okay,

and we promise

we will show you mercy.

That's the best I can do.

Oh, I love it when you boys

talk all nasty Nazi to me.

I get all crazy inside.

- Now, who wants a little head?

- I do, I do, I do!

- Uh-oh.

- What was that, Murray?

Oh, the flu, that's what I meant.

I think I'm getting it.

- Get the Fuhrer's head, Hans, Wilhelm!

- Jawohl!

Get the Fuhrer's head.

Show the Nazis how to do it, please.

Hold me tightly,

big strong paisan!

Holy crap!

Zip it and start spinning,

pussycat!

# Zombie Nazis

getting shot to ribbons #

# Ooh-ooh #

# Nice #

# Zombies melting. #

Oh, God.

Cow-a-ya-ya!

Beasto, what are

you doing here?

- Hold this. Hah!

- Hey, I recognize this dude.

He's the Little Tramp!

He's hysterical.

He's taller than I thought.

What's up, bro?

What's the dealio, yo?

I need your help

with a little problem.

I mean, it's barely even that, really.

- Let's call it a situation.

- Beasto, man,

don't waste my time.

Is this about p*ssy?

- No.

- Poontang?

- Nada.

- Tool shed?

- Nein.

- Cockpit?

- Nope.

- Love box?

- Negative.

- Fur patch?

- No.

- Bearded clam? Nipsey Russell?

Fish patty?

Panty hamster?

Vertical bacon sandwich?

- No ma'am.

- Okay, I'll help.

You didn't say bat cave.

What did you say?

I said,

it seems a crafty monkey

with a big screw in his head

kidnapped this sweet, innocent

little village girl against her will,

in front of my very eyes.

The balls.

Primate kidnappers?

Sounds groovy, baby. I'm in.

But if you're just trying to

get into said village girl's knickers,

then you are gonna be

the sorry chimp, buster.

Dynamite!

Find out what tree the smelly ape

is hiding in and hit my digits.

- It's easy as pie.

- Yeah, no sh*t, Sherlock.

What exactly are you gonna do?

For shizzle. I'm gonna keep it real,

talk to my peeps,

get the 411 from my boys

back in the hood, yo.

Oh, and here's your pickled Fuhrer.

All right, Shitler Youth,

it's your lucky day!

You want it? Here it is.

Come and get it!

Agh! My Fuhrer!

I will save you!

At last, mein Fuhrer,

you are home!

All hail the Fuhrer!

Our fearless leader

has returned!

Whoo!

I think you're gonna like

this new design.

Mein Fuhrer, why do you

not sing with us, hmm?

Oh, what a big breath mint.

So I told that b*tch,

"Step off them pumps, ho!

Them shits are mine!"

Where the f*** we gong now?

What kind of "Fright Night"

bullshit is this?

Oh, please refrain

from speaking.

I know you must be proud

of your beauty-school education,

but your constant use of profanity

is an assault on my

Wellingtonian sensibilities.

I ain't the one with a dingleberry

hanging off my ass hairs,

nasty ape and sh*t.

Yes, well I'm not so sure about that.

The stank in this landfill

is killing my coif.

I'm gonna have to get

Tananeesha now to fix my weave.

Hey, how about them gas prices?

Not that I have any place to go.

Hey, monkey.

Hello?

I think he's talking to you.

He sure-ass ain't talking to me.

T.G.I.F., huh?

Yeah.

Friday already?

Seems like Wednesday.

All day.

Oh. Speaking of gas prices. Ew!

Sh*t. Even my ass is bored.

Don't think I'm apologizing,

neither.

- You know that sh*t smells good.

- Oh, delicious,

the plowman's lunch.

Finally got that itching under control.

- Oh, God.

- Yeah, nipped that right in the bud.

Hey, what's wrong

with your car?

Hey, fellas.

What the friggidy-f***?

Hello to you too.

Yo, ese, where you been?

Turned your back

on your homeboys, huh?

- Blood is blood.

- Yeah, whoo, I've been, like, crazy busy.

I lost my cell phone too.

I lost, like, every number.

You look good, really good.

You losing weight?

That's not cool, homes.

You could have been dead

in a ditch somewhere.

We were worried sick.

Rodriguez hasn't slept

in a month.

Look, Rico, you're my homey.

And as Ricky Ricardo said to Fred,

"Don't be such a p*ssy."

Look what you've done

to Rodriguez now.

You are so mean.

Oh, boo-hoo.

Look, I need some info

on a giant horny ape, pronto, amigos.

Not so fast, homes.

First, we gotta see

if you're still one of us.

I was afraid of this.

No way!

Are you still the man, bro!

Yes I am!

I missed you guys.

Get in here!

Okay.

Getting a little gay, fellas.

This is it. Make

yourself comfortable.

No, don't-- I'm afraid

of what that might entail.

Mm-hmm.

Flat screen! Mmm.

Sweet. Better be

f***ing plasma.

Better be a f***ing minibar.

Hot damn, there is!

You did good, monkey.

I'll be back to run your bath.

Perhaps performing some ablutions

will make you more palatable.

- And try to remain somewhat coherent.

- What did you just call me?

You're the one who's all

f***ing coherent and sh*t.

What the hell are these

tiny bottles for, huh?

What you think I am,

a f***ing midget or something?

I ain't no Lilliputian and sh*t!

Nice mouth. You'll make

the perfect bride.

# I hear the cottonwoods

whispering above... #

Now...

ooh!

There we go. Hello.

Attaboy, attaboy!

That's it. Keep it going!

Yeah.

Ho, ho, come on, buddy,

stick with it!

Stick with it, stick with it!

Oh, oh, yeah!

Keep it up,

keep it up, yeah!

Dr. Satan, I--

whoopsy!

What did I say about

me in the bedroom?

Dreadfully sorry about

interrupting your wank, sir.

A Miss von Black

is in her room.

Sorry, nothing.

Get out!

Damn it!

That moment is ruined.

# El Superbeasto! #

# El Superbeasto! #

Hmm.

Come on, Suzi, call!

What am I up against?

I do not call this professional.

Aw, screw it. What's

the worst that could happen?

No, no!

Nah.

That stuff only happens

in the movies.

Yeah...

- What the--

- Right there. Oh, yeah...

Oh, you're a dirty little girl,

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