The Hessen Conspiracy

Look at that poor sap.

How the hell did a smart guy like me

wind up throwing diamonds

into the Hudson River?

Truth to tell, I've no idea.

It just sort of turned out this way.

The ring is worth more than

you'll see in a lifetime, Mike,

but you knew that, didn't you?

I guess we were nuts to think

we could get this past you.

If it hadn't been for the girl...

the girl...

be honest, Mikey...

you wanted her, too.

Wouldn't you have tried

this on for size, for her?

Maybe not you, Mike.

You were so squeaky clean.

Hell, we all started out squeaky clean,

didn't we?

Truth to tell.

We were the good guys and we won,

and you know what they say, Mike,

winner takes all.

Highness, we must go.

Quickly, Helmuth,

so I need not speak with them.

- Welcome to Kronberg, sir.

- Thank you, Sergeant.

How was your trip, sir?

Well, the coldest winter

I spent is the summer in Germany.

Where are we headed?

- The C.O.'s office, right this way, sir.

- Thanks.

- Private!

- Yes, sir!

Good trip, sir?

Corporal!

Tonight!

I want all of this sh*t squared away by 1900!

And what about those tennis courts?

We're going to need rackets and fresh balls.

None of this crap!

Like my car will play tennis with it?

Corporal!

That regulation footwear, Lieutenant?

As a matter of fact, it isn't, sir.

Is that what the colonel would prefer?

I don't know.

Let me think about that.

At ease, Sergeant.

Need an ything, Ma'am?

Dismissed, Sergeant.

All right, let's dispense with the formalities.

I'm Jack Durant.

So you're the top dog that runs

this country club.

I can give you a lifetime membership

if you like.

Lieutenant...?

Nash.

Got a first name?

Lieutenant Nash?

Kathleen.

Where are you from, Kathy?

So, you got a job Kathy?

Around here, I mean.

I'm a glorified cruise director.

I keep the boys happy.

Who keeps you happy?

Is that your own line.

I've heard better from the Germans.

The Germans lost.

Does that smile mean an ything?

Or is it just something that

you put on in the morning like a tie?

Take it easy. I'm not the enemy.

No?

Didn't answer my question.

Generals only need apply.

Are you lost, Colonel?

Could be.

Who's that?

The former owner, Princess Sophie of Hess.

Royal family of Germany.

She pulled out when you came in.

Tough times for the Royal Family.

Still doesn't look like she'll starve.

Not in this lifetime.

Officers' quarters on the third floor.

Get 'em while they're hot.

Thanks.

That was the first time I saw her.

Should of been the last.

It wasn't bad living at the castle.

Every other night

we had our own senior prom.

I kept an eye on Lieutenant Nash.

And she kept an eye on me.

A little medicine, Charlie.

I feel a chill coming on.

Right you are, sir.

It will be a pleasure to have you.

Gee, thanks.

Now that is what I call a united front.

Have we met?

- Michael Savern. Just got here.

- Hiya, Jack Durant.

Welcome to our little home away from home.

Pretty fair home.

I bet half the guys in this room

were CPA's in Delaware.

They probably think they're dreaming.

Or having a nightmare.

They're gonna be shipped out

to invade Japan.

What's your story?

Definitely dreaming.

I'm just a grunt

with the Judge Advocate Corps.

A lawyer? No kidding.

What for?

Pushing legal paper

for the war crimes tribunal in Nuremberg.

Sounds cheery.

She'll break your heart, Major.

If only.

Happy hunting.

- May I?

- Absolutely.

Friend of yours?

Only one here.

You could do better.

Ooh, I'm trying.

Excuse me.

What?

Chateau Ducru-Beaucaillou, 1923. Wow!

What's going on?

I believe Sergeant Tarlton has found

something of historical interest, sir.

Oh yeah?

Shades of Edgar Allan Poe.

She must have walled this place up

before she skedaddled.

Major, you're our resident legal authority.

What's army policy about this?

Volume 2, Chapter 6 of Category 1b

of the occupation code:

'All alcoholic beverages are exempt.'

To the victors go the spoils.

You just made that up.

Would you be surprised if I told you

there was no such thing as a tooth fairy?

Come on, Lieutenant.

A penny for you thoughts.

My thoughts don't go for a penny.

I didn't need her life story

to tell me what she was thinking

because I already knew.

We were both wondering

what else Princess Sophie

had stashed away in the castle

before she got the hell out.

Once an idea like that

explodes in your brain,

it takes root there, like ivy.

Poison ivy. It itches.

Have I told you that you've got

the most beautiful brown eyes

- I've ever seen?

- Oh, really?

They're like limpid pools.

I don't know what limpids are, but...

Have you ever been...

Huh... what?

That guy is going to get me

in a lot of trouble.

- I think this ring is far too expensive...

- Okay.

Guten Abend.

No, please. We're just...

- we're just getting warmed up. Please.

- General, stop it right now.

General.

I think it's time to call it a night.

I'll call... call it a night.

Call it a night. Call it a night.

I wasn't the only one

drinking alone that night.

You should have seen the schloss

in the old days.

I used to work there.

Such big rooms.

The paintings, the china.

The best parties,

with the most beautiful people.

Yeah.

The vultures

are going to pick this place clean.

Maybe, not all.

What do you mean?

Maybe, they don't know where to look.

Four months ago, before the surrender,

there was a man from Frankfurt.

He was drunk, like you.

But, he said he had come to the build walls

and holes for hiding things, big things.

The paintings,

the china and maybe even...

What? Maybe even what?

You have seen the painting

of the Princess?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Well, Mike, I'm sure gonna miss you

on my doubles team.

Could've made it to Forest Hills,

I'm telling you.

Gonna miss the smell of that

damn pipe of yours Major.

You give 'em hell up there

in Nuremberg, you hear?

Now, I got you your own suite with bath

at the Adlon.

Say, thanks.

If it's getting around army red tape,

Dave Pallard's your man.

Well, so long.

Take care.

What's all this?

Oh, that's just a little token

of our appreciation

from the good people here in Dodge City.

Y'all take now, Sheriff.

Later that week,

we learned the Japs had surrendered.

That called for another party.

Only some folks weren't attending.

Roy, we've been here way too long.

Are you sure this guy knows

what he's doing?

It is nearby, Fraulein Nash.

I'm sure it is in the east wing.

That's what he told me.

Quiet!

Well, now...

What can we learn from this?

What are you doing here, sir?

I could ask you the same thing Lieutenant.

Well, I can see that

brilliant minds think alike.

And who is this?

That's my Kraut friend.

Your what?

Are you out of your mind?

See? The cement is fresh.

Here. It's here, I know it.

- Are you sure?

- Ja.

Don't you think they're going to hear you?

Did you hear the night he found the wine?

Get going, Roy.

Okay.

Help me now.

Sheisse!

Yeah!

Mein Gott!

Holy sh*t!

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