The Hippopotamus Page #3

'a long

and complicated story.'

Look, I cared about her too much

to make her a future ex-wife.

[Clock ticks]

- So...

- So?

So, tell me your tale.

Your... your life is a mess,

you've lost your job,

and you've come

to Swafford to...

To...

Hang out with David.

You took your time,

getting in touch.

Well, it's... it's been

a few years, I... I admit,

but, er... I bumped into Jane

and... And that got me thinking.

Thinking? What?

[Clock ticks]

Tell me why you're really here.

I... you know,

er... after the job,

I'd been looking for,

er... something to do

and I think you'd make an

amazing subject for a biography.

[Laughs]

You f***ing journalist!

A... a tame one

at... at the very worst.

No biography.

No snooping. Nothing.

I promise you,

it'd be no hatchet job.

Get out of my house.

Michael, I'm... I'm sorry.

For... forget I mentioned it.

I do not trust you.

[Clock ticks]

No, I see that.

[Clock ticks]

Look, Anne is worried

about David.

There's no point denying

I made an almighty mess

with your sister,

but to put courage into a clic,

all is fair in love and war.

But not when it's

played out in public.

Yes, I understand.

And on that understanding,

I'm supposed to... What?

Give you a second chance?

As a godfather.

I promise, I won't put so much

as a look out of place.

I'll be watching.

Understood.

[Clock ticks]

Well, welcome back to Swafford.

'It's been more than a decade

'since Michael and I

last crossed paths,

'although he crops up in

the papers fairly frequently

'as the highly

celebrated C.E.O.

'of this or that vast company.

'That stands for

Chief Executive Officer

'and is, I believe,

a sort of cross

'between a managing

director and a c*nt.

'When a man like Michael

says he's watching you,

'you may as well

be getting that news

'from a great white shark.'

F***!

Oh! F***.

[Pants]

David?

'Assuming that whatever

enticed David from the house

'at just shy of 5 A.M.

'was either fun or trouble,

'I followed his tracks

in the dew,

'but discovered them

to be a line of footprints

'leading nowhere.'

[Clears throat]

Ow! Oh!

'Feeling like 12 types of dick,

'I was suddenly struck

by an image of David

'sprouting wings

and flying away.

'Certainly, that would be

a miracle worth investigating.'

- [bucket clangs]

- Ow! Ow!

F*** off! Shite!

Oh. Oh.

[Sighs]

Mm.

Oh!

[Sighs]

[Phone chimes]

[Sighing]

The things I do for money.

[Footsteps approach]

Oh.

[Footsteps clomp]

[Gate creaks]

'How is a person

supposed to investigate

'nothing in particular?

'It's like hiring

Sherlock Holmes

'when no crime

has been committed.

'I'm beginning to see why

'he spent so much time

playing the fiddle

'and getting smashed

out of his head on cocaine.'

[Podmore] ...on the guest list.

Wants to check

if we have a defibrillator.

There's quite a few

dietary requirements.

Oh.

[Podmore] Oh, may I help,

Mr. Wallace?

Ah.

Yes. Podmore.

Could someone fix

the curtain rail in my room?

It seems to have

come down in the night.

Of course, sir.

Much obliged. Oh, what's this?

The weekend guest list?

This should be interesting.

May I?

Oliver Mills.

He's probably claiming

a trendy intolerance.

Angina?

'With its promise

of aristocratic splendor,

'and a degree of luxury

that approaches debauchery

'Swafford attracts

a motley caravan

'of tight-assed bourgeois

and nervous bohemians,

'who roll up the driveway,

'misusing the word

"weekend" as a verb,

'and wondering how soon

they might send an underling

'down into Swafford's

world-class wine cellar.'

Madame Valerie Richmonde

and Mademoiselle Clara.

'Well, who is this

charmingly high-breasted

'and fiercely fuckable creature

'with an air of contemptuous

indifference?'

- Come along.

- 'Bonjour, Madame.'

Merci. My bags.

Ted Wallace.

Oh, I thought

you were a servant.

No. A poet.

Oh.

And Michael's oldest friend.

Of course.

[Speaks French]

Also David's godfather.

I'm responsible for

his spiritual development.

You are?

This is my daughter Clara.

Maybe you and her

can be friends.

Ah. And you must,

of course, be David.

Jane has told me

everything about you.

I have been looking forward

to meeting you.

'From the presumably fragrant

loin of Madame Valerie

'had sprung a daughter

most woundingly plain.

'I had no sure knowledge

of her paternal lineage,

'but I would hazard a guess

'that this snaggletoothed

myopic hobbit

'may have been conceived

on a visit to middle earth.

'Nature can be unbearably cruel.

'Regrettably,

I was about to be thrust

into my worst nightmare.'

[Doorbell rings]

'Having to spend

an entire weekend

'with one of my oldest friends,

'the celebrated theater director

and prolific buggerist

Oliver Mills.'

- I seldom find that...

- Oh!

- Violence is the answer.

- Jesus! Jesus, Oliver!

Did Michael not attach

a security memo

to your invitation?

No. In fact,

I'm probably on it.

Would you?

Oh, poor, pompous Hippopotamus.

Ha-ha! Ha.

Has His Lordship not made you

the most welcome of guests?

Actually, I'm here to see David.

Oh. You know? Oh, dear,

what is it? What ills you?

You can tell me.

Ills? He's my godson.

What do you mean?

Ah. Oh, is that

the clitter-clatter

of cutlery on china?

Let's not be late for lunch.

'Hopefully, it was the sound

of the plot thickening.

'I was going to have to start

making some meaningful

'progress or risk spending

the entire summer

'in the company

of these "camarades".'

Ahem! I hear you've had

a particularly successful

year with the stud?

Well, yes, finally, we had

some good results at Hickstead.

- Ah.

- Thanks to him.

I'm particularly proud

of... of our woodlands.

All native species.

Well, it's the kind of green

that only the British can bear.

Oh, if you don't like

the countryside,

what brings you to Swafford?

I am purchasing Li-lac

for my daughter.

- Li-lac?

- [Simon] Lilac, our gray mare.

I've been taking riding lessons.

Yes, and we can go down

and see her

- in the stables after lunch.

- Yes.

You could help me muck out,

if you like.

Oh, I would like that very much.

Cool.

A hunchback who now also

shovels sh*t. Quelle fortune!

- Don't slouch.

- Je m'excuse, Mre.

I'm dying for some of that.

Ha-ha, not just figuratively.

You know?

Pod more see-eth,

Pod more heareth,

Podmore telleth Ted Wallace.

Ah.

Is that why you're here?

Ha-ha-ha-ha! No, no.

No, I've got

a delicious new play

which Michael is going to fund.

Am I?

[Laughs]

Has anyone seen David?

'Child of trees and son of earth

'lies in wait for his rebirth

'beneath the trees

he hides alone

'beneath your feet

this boy unknown

'lies in his cradle

hidden from sight

'buried like seed

'his seed so white

'he gives himself

the kiss of peace

'his seed doth sprout

with sweet release.'

Well.

'F*** me.'

Gosh.

I... I'd like you to keep it.

Lovely.

Has Mummy spoken to you

about me?

Why do you ask that?

I worry her.

I can see it in her eyes.

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