The History Boys Page #2

- Voil.

Dj un client.

- Bonjour, monsieur.

- (gruff voice) Bonjour, chrie.

(laughing)

Entrez, s'il vous plat.

Voil votre lit.

- Et voici votre prostitue.

- Oh l l!

Je veux m'tendre sur le lit.

Je voudrais. "I would like

to stretch out on the bed,"

in the conditional or the subjunctive.

Continuez, mes enfants.

Mais les chaussures, monsieur.

Pas sur le lit.

Oh! Excusez-moi, mademoiselle,

excusez-moi.

- Et votre pantalon, s'il vous plat.

- (all moan)

- Come on! Sir...

- Sir! Sir!

Oh! Quelles belles jambes!

Et maintenant- Claudine.

Oui. La prostitue, s'il vous plat.

- (giggles)

- (whistling)

- (high-pitched) A quel prix?

- Dix francs.

Dix francs. Pour dix francs,

je peux vous montrer ma prodigieuse poitrine.

(Timms) Ah, non, non, non...

(knocking)

- Un autre client.

- (all gasp)

Ah! Cher monsieur le directeur.

Mr. Hector, what on earth

is happening?

L'anglais c'est interdit.

Ici, on ne parle que franais.

En accordant une importance

particulire au subjonctif.

Oh... Erm...

Qu'est-ce qui s'est pass ici?

Pourquoi ce garon...

Er... Dakin, isn't it?

...est sans... er... trousers?

Ah! Erm... Quelqu'un?

Oh! Ne sois pas timide.

Dites cher monsieur le directeur

ce que nous faisons.

- Je suis un homme qui...

- Vous n'tes pas un homme!

Vous tes un soldat.

Un soldat bless.

Vous comprenez,

cher monsieur le directeur?

- Soldat bless.

- Wounded soldier, of course.

Ici, c'est un hpital en Belgique.

Belgique? Pourquoi Belgique?

- Ypres.

- Ypres?

- Ypres.

- Ypres?

Pendant la guerre mondiale numro un.

- Ypres.

- C'est a!

Dakin est un soldat bless.

Un mutil de guerre.

Et les autres sont des mdecins,

infirmires,

et tout le personnel d'un grand tablissement

mdical et thrapeutique.

Continuez, mes enfants.

(screaming)

Il appelle sa mre.

Mon pre! Mon pre!

Il appelle son pre!

Il est distrait, il est distrait.

Il est commotionn, peut-tre.

Comment?

Commotionn. Shell-shocked.

C'est possible. Commotionn.

Oui, c'est le mot juste.

Permettez-moi d'introduire Monsieur Irwin,

notre nouveau professeur.

- Enchant.

- Enough of this silliness! No, not silliness!

Mr. Hector, you are aware

these pupils are Oxbridge candidates?

Nobody's told me.

Mr. Irwin will be coaching them,

but it's a question of time.

I've found him three lessons a week, but I was

wondering... Purely on a temporary basis.

- The last time, I promise.

- Last time was the last time.

- I'm thinking of the boys.

- I am, too. No, absolutely not. No. No, no, no.

C'est hors de question,

et puis, si vous voulez m'excuser,

je dois continuer ma leon.

tout l'heure.

- (bell rings)

- F***.

(all laugh)

It's true, though, sir.

We don't have much time.

We don't even have to do French.

Now, who goes home?

Well, surely I can

give somebody a lift.

- Who's on pillion duty? Dakin?

- Not me, sir. I'm going into town.

- Crowther?

- I'm off for a run, sir.

- Akhtar?

- Er... computer club, sir.

- Ah.

- I'll come, sir.

Oh, no, never mind.

I'll come, sir.

Ah! Scripps.

The things I do for Jesus.

- It's never me.

- You're too young still.

It will happen.

Now that you've achieved puberty.

If rather late in the day.

Mr. Hector is likely, at some point,

to try and put his hand on your knee.

This is because Mr. Hector

is a homosexual and a sad f***.

The drill is to look at the hand and go,

"And what does Mr. Hector want?"

Well, he has no answer for this

and so will desist.

Thrutch up.

- I just think I should have been told.

- He comes highly recommended.

- So did Anne of Cleves.

- Who?

He's up to the minute, Dorothy,

more "now".

Now? I thought history was "then".

Felix.

Anne of Cleves. Remind me.

- Fourth wife of Henry VIII, sir.

- Of course.

She was the one they told him

was Miss Dish,

only, when she turned up, she had a face

like the wrong end of a camel's turd.

Quite so.

- What's the matter with you, lad?

- Oh, I've got a note, sir.

How much for? (laughs)

I don't do notes. Get changed.

- Sir...

- God doesn't do notes either.

Did Jesus say, "Can I be

excused the Crucifixion?" No.

Actually, sir, I think he did.

Change! One day

it will save your life.

Nothing saves anyone's life, sir.

It just postpones their death.

Jesus Christ

will save your life, lad,

if you only let him into your heart!

I'm Jewish, sir.

I'm Muslim, sir.

- Very good.

- (applause)

Most excellent.

(all) Ooooh!

Go on!

Lad, lad, lad!

You're letting yourself down,

you're letting God down.

- What's God got to do with it?

- Listen, boy, this isn't your body.

- No?

- No!

This body is on loan to you from God.

- F*** me.

- I heard that! Give me 20.

Do it.

- You're late. Get your kit off.

- I'm on the staff.

- (laughing)

- Well, I've never seen you.

What's this?

- Do you need a hand with that, sir?

- Is it joined-up writing?

Mrs. Lintott's given me a view

of some of your latest essays.

The experience was interesting.

The essays not. Dull.

Dull. Abysmally dull.

A triumph. The dullest of the lot.

- I got all the points.

- I didn't say it was wrong. I said "dull".

- Its sheer competence was staggering.

- You've got crap handwriting.

It's your eyesight that's bad

and we know what causes that.

Sir! Is that a coded reference

to the mythical dangers of self-abuse?

- It might even be a joke!

- (Dakin) A joke, sir?

Oh. Are jokes gonna be a feature?

We need to know as it affects our mindset.

You don't object to our using

the expression "mindset", do you, sir?

Mr. Hector doesn't care for it.

At the... er... at the time of the Reformation,

there were 14 foreskins of Christ preserved,

but it was thought the Church of St. John

Lateran in Rome had the authentic prepuce.

Don't think we're shocked

by your mention of the word "foreskin", sir.

No, sir. Some of us even have them.

Not Posner, though, cos he's, well... Jewish.

It's one of several things he doesn't have.

- F*** off.

- That's not racist, though, sir.

- Isn't it?

- It's race-related. But not racist.

Has anybody been to Rome or Venice?

Florence? No.

The other candidates will have been and

have done courses on what they've seen.

So they'll know, when they do an essay

on the Church at the time of the Reformation,

that, oh, look, some silly nonsense

on the foreskins of Christ will come in handy,

so that their essays,

unlike yours, will not be dull.

They're not even bad, they're just boring.

You haven't got a hope.

- So, why are we bothering?

- I don't know. You tell me.

You want it. Your parents want it.

The headmaster, he certainly wants it.

Me? I wouldn't waste the money.

I'd go to Newcastle and be happy.

- Of course, there is another way.

- Oh! How?

- Cheat!

- Possibly.

- Dakin.

- Sir?

Don't take the piss.

There isn't time.

- What a wanker.

- They all have to do it, don't they?

- Do what?

- Show you they're still in the game.

Foreskins and stuff.

"Oh, sir, you devil."

Have a heart.

He's only five minutes older than we are.

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