The Hooligan Factory Page #2

For f***'s sake, not again!

I told you, "Never call my mobile."

I got kids, for f***'s sake.

You wanker!

But now they're out the way.

Let's do this.

Hola, my little Spanish prince.

Tickle my front bottom, mate.

What?

Oh, yeah.

I'm getting huge for you.

Pablo, I want you to f*** me

like you did in Torremolinos.

Do you remember, boy?

Baron!

Who the f*** is that?

It's Dex.

Who?

- It's Dex.

- Hold on a minute.

- Dexy boy.

- Baron!

Finally let you out, did they?

Oh, yeah, I'm out!

And I'm coming for you!

Oh, yeah. I think you'll find a

lot's changed since you went in.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah!

Your mob's a f***ing joke, son.

Oh, and I've got top firm now.

You're gonna get cut, Baron.

And it's gonna be me that does it.

F***ing hell.

You couldn't hit water

if you fell out a boat.

I'm gonna slit you open like an envelope.

You couldn't afford the postage.

Yeah, I can.

And I'll send it recorded delivery and all.

In that case,

I won't be here to sign for it.

F***! F***! F***,

f***, f***, f*** you, Baron!

F*** it!

- You sure about this, mate?

- 'Course, mate. It's a shortcut.

What's the matter? You shook?

Well, yeah, a bit.

Come on, you melt.

What's there to be scared of?

Well, him for one.

Stay with me if you like.

Come on, tubby bollocks.

Every time I stroke 'em.

Come on, Dan.

What did I tell you, it

ain't that bad, is it?

All right. That's Muggy Keith, that is.

Sweet.

Now I knew we shouldn't have

gone down that tunnel.

But little did I know what would happen now

would change my life forever.

You need to stop being such a p*ssy.

You're in safe hands.

I'm a boat mate.

Give me a cigarette.

Sorry, mate, we don't smoke.

We?

F***.

Well, give me your wallet

and I'll buy my own cigarettes.

I'd never been mugged before.

But in that moment I thought

what my old man had taught me.

Never back down, son!

Always stand your ground!

No!

What do you mean, "No"?

I mean no, Kojak.

Now if you want my wallet,

you're gonna have to come and take it.

You peel-headed Si.

It felt good. I felt powerful.

My old man was right.

Never back down. Never give 'em an inch.

Oh, I realised no one had ever

stood up to this guy before.

I saw the fear wash over him like a...

Oh, sh*t!

Now, you gobby little shite,

let's get something straight.

This ain't a skinhead. It's alopecia.

Yeah.

It's a medical condition.

- I've lived with this all my life.

- Yeah.

Look at it.

Have you any idea what it's like

growing up a hairless child?

No.

Hairless!

Look, I'm really sorry, mate.

Too late now.

Now you're gonna get cut.

You, me.

Let's f***ing have it, yeah?

F***ing have it!

Get me outta here.

Yeah, you better run.

Oi, mate. Mate.

Thanks for back there.

I could have handled it,

but me pal left me high and dry.

Was that that ginger boy I saw

at the other end of the tunnel?

Yeah. Yeah, was he all right?

No. He was crying.

And some geezer was stroking him.

How's the nose, mate?

It's all right.

Took me stuff, though.

Everything I own was in that bag.

Hold still.

You'll live.

You did well back there, son.

You stood your ground.

And that's the most important thing.

Thanks.

I'm Dexter.

Yeah, I know.

I'm Danny.

'Course I knew who he was.

Dad told me stories all about Dex

and his crew when I was a kid.

They were the hardest

football firm in the country.

And Dex, he was their top boy.

Come on.

This is me.

Oh, right. Yeah.

Well, I guess I'll see

you around then, yeah?

- Danny.

- Yeah.

Do you want to come for a pint?

Yeah, mate, yeah. Sweet.

Come on then.

What else was

I gonna do on a Saturday?

What an honour.

I was walking into the legendary Iron Hoof

with the man of the hour.

I felt drunk.

Oh, my head was spinning.

This is what I'd been searching for,

to belong.

Everyone wanted to talk to Dex

and because I was with him,

they all wanted to talk to me.

It was like a family.

And he introduced me to everyone.

There was Dexy and me

and there was Billy Bo Bells.

Welcome home, Dex. Hold the bells.

Scrimshank Stanley.

Looking good, son.

Knees Up Leroy Brown

and his half-brother Andy Old Iron.

Come toilet, got something for you.

His "business associate", Little Boy Blue,

and his boys Nicky Mince Pies

and Freddy the Nonce.

All right, Dex. Who's your little mate?

Then there was Jimmy Two Times.

He got that name

because he said everything twice.

Gonna get the currant bun, currant bun.

A lot of the lads got their names that way.

Like Pete the Killer.

Took care of that thing for you.

Mike the Rapist.

There you go, ladies.

One for you, and one for you.

His sister, Rita the Man Eater.

And John the C*nt.

But they were just extras.

In the back room I was about to meet

the real top boys.

The ones that struck fear into the hearts

of every other football hooligan

in the country.

The Factory.

You ready?

Oh, he didn't need to ask.

I'm ready.

Now you're gonna be all right tonight

because you're with me.

You do not want to be in there on your own.

Understand?

Welcome to my world, son.

- All right, Dex?

- Hello, mate.

What the f*** is this?

I thought it was meant to be a party!

Too f***ing right!

Midnight!

Midnight, back in the day

he was the original black hooligan.

Come on then, you f***ing two-bob tossers.

In fact, I think he was

the only black hooligan.

I'm gonna chop off your blood clot!

He made a name for himself

when he ran onto the pitch in a cup final.

Come on, lads. Let's f***ing have 'em.

And tried to kidnap Portsmouth's mascot,

the Pompey pigeon, with a homemade shank.

Get back. I'll kill him.

I'll f***ing kill him!

F***ing legend.

Dex. Welcome home.

You're looking sweet, son.

This is all for you, bruv.

- Who's your mate?

- It's the boy Danny.

All right, Dan?

Anything you want, son, birds, booze, bit

of the other, just let me know, all right?

- Sweet.

- Hey, Dexy!

Hold on, mate. I'm coming over.

Trumpet.

Part of the new breed of football hooligan.

Prides himself on the fact he's

never even been to a football match.

Never misses a tear-up and he's seen

Green Street 2 over 140 times.

Oh, I'm telling you, mate,

it's better than the original.

All right, crack on, son.

But he's a f***ing thief.

And he'll nick anything

that's not nailed down.

I'll bell you Thursday, Chelle.

All right, Trumpet.

Thank Christ you're back, Dex.

Things have been all too quiet,

but now the King's returned,

we can have a proper tear-up.

Give me a chance

to break in my new chopper.

It's good to see you, Trumpet.

Who the f*** are you?

That's Danny.

Say the word, Dex,

and I'll carve your name in his boat.

Well, I appreciate the thought, Trumpet.

I really do.

But he's all right. He's with me.

Yeah?

Hold out your hand.

Eh?

Hold your f***ing hand out

and let me see how old you are.

23, Gemini.

- Oh, he's good. That is good.

- F***ing sweet.

F***ing hell, that is unbelievable.

How did you do that?

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