The Horizontal Lieutenant

The Horizontal Lieutenant (1962)

Man:
This is me, October 1944...

the day I was inducted

into the United States Army.

This is me again,

when I was enrolled

in officer's candidate school.

And here's another of me...

the day they assigned me

to Military Intelligence.

Military Intelligence...

man, what mental pictures

that brought up.

I could see myself busting

enemy codes wide-open

all over Europe,

snooping out troop movements

in oriental saloons,

languishing in the arms

of some foreign spy

while I wormed

the plans out of her.

That's what I dreamed about.

You know what happened?

This.

That's no disguise I'm wearing.

That's me,

languishing in Fort Garrett,

Honolulu,

4,000 Miles from the nearest

Japanese Kamikaze.

[Cheering]

There I sat for months,

Second Lieutenant Merle Wye

of Military Intelligence,

third-string outfielder

on the G2 ball team.

What a way to fight

for your country.

Little did I know

I would soon be a casualty

of World War II.

Ohh! Ohh!

Medic! Medic!

Horizontal Lieutenant

2, 3, 4

2, 3, 4

Horizontal Lieutenant

2, 3, 4

Hup, 2, 3, 4

1, 2, 3, 4

Who's the guy

the gals adore?

The Horizontal Lieutenant

3, 4, 5, 6

Who's got all

the dolls and chicks?

The Horizontal Lieutenant

Though his army record

was poor

He sure won the battle

of Toujours L'amour

hup, hup, 1, 2

One for all and all for who?

The Horizontal Lieutenant

He was game

whoa-yeah

With a dame

whoa-yeah

He's the most

uh-huh

Here's a toast

uh-huh

Here's to our 4-star

Horizontal Lieutenant

Hup, 2, 3, 4!

Though his army record

was poor

He sure won the battle

of Toujours L'amour

Hup, hup, 1, 2

One for all and all for who?

The Horizontal Lieutenant

He was game

with a dame

He was brave

how he gave

At the post

he's the most

Here's a toast

here's a toast

Cheers to our 4-star

Horizontal Lieutenant

2, 3, 4

Hup, 2, 3, 4

Horizontal Lieutenant

2, 3, 4

Hup, 2, 3, 4

Horizontal Lieutenant

Wye:
When I woke up,

I had a strange impression

that the nurse in the room

was a girl I used to know,

back home in Wichita.

What time is it?

What do you care? You're

not going anyplace.

You know, for a minute there,

I had the funniest feeling.

I thought you were a girl...

Don't try to talk.

You've been hit in the head.

Girl I knew in college...

tall, skinny girl,

lanky, sort of.

I said don't talk.

Are you lanky, nurse?

Yeah, I'm lanky.

Go to sleep.

Not like her, though.

A lot of laughs, that kid...

the awkward type, you know,

not the kind you

date or anything,

[laughing] But

a lot of laughs.

[Laughing] Yeah.

Hey, look, I'm warning

you don't talk.

We used to call

her high pockets.

Ha ha ha!

She was crazy about me.

Oh, I can believe that.

Why not?

Funny I should think

about her now.

Her name was Molly Blue.

What's your name, nurse?

Molly Blue.

Hi, Merle.

Hi, Blue.

What?!

Down. Down! Down, boy!

Hiya, Blue.

What's the good word?

Hey, Ron. Nothing much.

Men:
Hi, Blue. Hey, Blue, hi.

Hey, how's it going, sexy?

Ok.

Hiya, Blue. Hi, Mike,

how are you doing?

Like, any chance

of an alcohol rub?

Uh-uh. Not today.

Man:
You got a minute, Blue?

Blue:
For what? You tell me,

and then maybe I'll decide.

Hey, Blue, come on back here.

Hello, Harry.

Man:
Don't forget to come

back this way, Blue.

Well, I see we're leaving

today, lieutenant.

How do we feel? And why

aren't we dressed?

We feel terrible,

and we aren't dressed

because we're thinking of sticking

around for a few days.

Oh, are we really?

Yeah. We're thinking of lying

here flat on our backs

until a certain

Lieutenant Molly Blue

makes a date with a certain

Lieutenant Merle Wye.

And

we've been over that before.

What is this screen doing up?

I'm sick.

Only emotionally.

Blue.

Tonight's a big night for me.

It's my first time

out in 2 weeks.

Now, will you or won't you

have dinner with me tonight?

Just give me a simple

answer yes or no.

No.

Well, you don't

have to answer now.

You just think it over for a little while,

and you can come back...

close. Close. Down, boy.

This is strange, this

sudden attraction

I suddenly seem

to hold for you.

You hardly looked

at me back home,

except, as you

say, for laughs.

Could it possibly be

that you're having

trouble getting

dates in Honolulu?

I can get

all the dates I want.

Why bother with me?

Why waste your time

with old "high pockets"?

Are you gonna hold me

responsible for something

that happened when

I was unconscious?

If you bite that thermometer,

lieutenant,

you're gonna stay

here another 2 weeks.

Look, no matter what I said,

it's not what I think now.

Besides, you've changed.

You've changa lot.

It's not me who's changed.

It's the world.

From a tall girl,

I've suddenly developed

into a short commodity.

There aren't enough of us

to go around these days,

which probably accounts

for my spectacular popularity.

Aw, look, I just told you...

it wasn't always so.

I remember the day

when the only men

who ever whistled at me

were traffic cops.

If a fella was 2

inches shorter,

he wouldn't be caught

giving me the correct time.

Now, he'll not only give

me the correct time,

but he'll chase me 6 blocks

to whisper it in my ear.

You know something?

I don't mind it at all.

I ask for a simple date,

I get a social history.

Look...

When I was coming

out of that fog,

who do you think the first

girl I thought about was?

Was it farlene sausten?

No.

Was it that redhead

Mildred something?

No.

Was it Candy Cane Lutz, the drum

majorette with the big baton.

No. It was Molly Blue.

Now, that must mean something.

It means you got

a hit on the head.

It means you were in my mind.

I'd been thinking about you.

Now, that must mean something.

Doesn't it?

I don't know. Maybe.

And you did used to like me...

[Laughing] A

little bit, anyway.

I suppose so...

in weak moments.

So date me.

I can't.

Why not?

Well, I'm on duty tonight.

You wouldn't lie

to me, would you?

Why should I lie?

Hiya, Blue.

Oh, hello, doctor.

I'll pick you up around 8:00.

Look your prettiest, kitten.

We're throwing a real

winger tonight.

Ok.

I'm sorry.

[Crunch]

Merle, for heaven's sakes.

Come on, spit it out.

Merle, spit it out! Come on!

Uh-uh. All right.

Now, come on. Oh!

Merle! Come on. Come on.

[Chuckling]

Heh heh heh!

[Asian accent]

Hiya, lieutenant.

What's the good word?

Any calls while I was out?

Calls? Let's see...

Nope. No calls.

Lieutenant Blue

didn't call, huh?

Nope. He didn't call either.

It's a girl, Tada, a nurse.

Nope.

Nothing happened all day long.

Well, that's par

for the course in this outfit.

Everybody else

is out shooting the enemy.

I get hit in the face

with baseballs.

Lieutenant, how you happen to get

into intelligence department?

Just how do you

mean that, Tada?

I don't mean something.

It's very simple.

I studied languages

in college,

and naturally,

they assigned me

to Japanese interpretation.

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