The House

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Open up the champagne, pop!

It's my house,

come on, turn it up

Hear a knock on the

door and the night begins

'Cause we done this

before so you come on in

Make yourself at my home,

tell me where you been...

TOUR GUIDE:
Now, if you'll

follow me this way onto the quad,

we'll continue our campus tour.

SCOTT:
So, sweetie,

remember, if you drink a beer,

you drink a glass of water, all right?

Six-pack of beer,

six-pack of water.

Okay. This just sounds

like way too much liquid.

KATE:
Or just don't party at all.

Okay, Mom, you're the

one who always talks about

how much you smoked pot in college

and for a whole semester,

you just peed outside.

Okay, they did call me,

"Smoke a Lot of Pot and Pee Outside" Kate.

- Well...

- But I regret that.

Okay? Just skip over that

part and act like I am now.

- Okay.

- Oh. Let's show her stranger danger.

Do you know stranger danger?

(SIGHS) I'm sure...

Okay, this is real important.

So, I'm a scary frat guy.

- Right?

- Okay.

There's a lot of them.

- Mom is you, all right?

- Lucky me.

Okay. Hey, sweet thing.

- My name's Geppetto. Uh...

- Whoa.

- 'Cause I make the ladies my puppets.

- Uh...

- Yeah. Right?

- See? I already don't trust him.

- Right? He's a bad guy.

- Trust your instincts.

- Bad guy.

- Weird choice.

SCOTT:
So, you wanna

come up to the bro house?

You don't have to answer.

- Oh...

- But, for this scenario, I will.

I'm fine, thank you. I'm

getting ready to study.

Oh, but I like the silent type.

You smell good.

You probably think I'm close to

you, but I'd like to get closer.

Come, my lady

Come, come, my lady

You're my sugar

pie, honey, baby

Then you elbow him in the

balls, and then you roll away.

(GROANS) Right there. And you roll.

- And the guy's like, "No! My nards."

- And you get out of there.

So, stay away from guys named Geppetto.

Got it. Thank you. Guys...

I love this school. This is

where I wanna go next year.

Oh, we're so happy you love it here!

- Let us come with you!

- (ALL LAUGHING)

- She's just kidding.

- Nah.

I love you guys.

- We love you, too.

- Come here.

SCOTT:
Aw... God, our little baby!

(CHUCKLES) If I get in.

- If you get in.

- If you get in.

- That's right.

- Tough school. It's tough.

Oh, God. No, I don't wanna click it.

I'm not gonna click it. One

of you click it. I'm not...

Honey, Alex, you're an A student, okay?

Chill. I'm sure you got in.

You know, if they don't

want my baby, they're stupid.

The Bisons? What kind of mascot is that?

If they say no to you,

I say we say no to them.

F*** the Bisons! You know.

- Yeah. Bucknell, more like Fucknell!

- Yes!

(GASPS) I got in!

(ALL SCREAMING)

You got in! Yes!

Bucknell, I knew it! I knew it! I knew it!

We're Bucknell!

- Bucknell, baby! Bucknell!

- Yeah! Bucknell!

It's a majestic creature,

the bison. Bisons! Bisons!

Man, Frank is not looking

so hot since Raina left.

SCOTT:
Ugh, I can smell

that poncho from here.

He looks like Animal from the Muppets.

- What's up, you guys?

- What's up, buddy? How are ya?

- Guys.

- Frank, buddy.

Great party!

Yeah, it's going great, huh?

Yeah, we're glad you could come.

SCOTT:
You made it.

Yeah, of course I made it.

Rode my bike all the way here.

- Good.

- Yeah.

What happened to your car?

I can't find it.

You guys must be pretty psyched, right?

Yeah, we are.

So proud of Alex. She's really grown up.

No, no, no. I'm talking about us.

I'm talking about the three

of us, next week. Vegas!

- We were thinking about Vegas.

- Yeah.

What if we push Vegas until the fall?

Yeah. We still go. We just

push it a little later.

No. There's only now.

There is no later, right?

- We'll... We'll talk.

- (LAUGHS)

All right, buddy. All right.

RACHEL:
Guys, high school's over.

And, let's face it, we're

not ready for college.

It seems like being a freshman in college

means you have to be prepared

to get date raped, right?

I don't understand the difference

between, like, rape and date rape.

Oh, I think date rape is when you go

to dinner and a movie, and then rape.

- She's talking to her friends about how sad she is.

- Yeah.

KATE:
Look at their body language.

They don't want to leave their parents.

We're gonna pack everything we should

have done at high school into this summer.

I mean, I kind of told my parents

I'd hang out with them this summer.

- That's weird.

- No, my parents are fun.

For parents, they're fun.

For people, they're the worst. I...

Does your mom even talk to you, Rachel?

Stop.

How did we get so lucky

to snag a kid like that?

I don't know.

KATE:
Kind of feel like

I'm losing my best friend.

Gotten so used to it being us three.

What's it gonna be like

when it's just us? (CHUCKLES)

- Well, it's gonna...

- (SPUTTERING)

Come on!

- I mean, yeah!

- (BOTH LAUGHING)

SCOTT:
Empty nest?

This nest is gonna be

filled with our loving.

- Yes!

- Yeah!

It's gonna be a regular

f*** fest around here.

Oh, yeah! Get your passport ready,

'cause we're...

We'll be going to f*** town.

What a nice party.

Hey, thank you so much for the party.

- SCOTT:
Oh, you're welcome.

- It was really fun.

I had such a good time.

Rachel invited me over

to her house tonight,

and I was wondering if I could go.

Well, we were gonna

watch Walking Dead.

KATE:
What's more fun,

hanging with your friends,

or watching zombies eat

people with your parents?

- (CHUCKLES)

- Think it's time for an Alex sandwich?

BOTH:
Mmm.

Please stay, please stay.

BOTH:
Stay, stay, stay.

- Okay. Okay, I'll stay.

- SCOTT AND KATE: Yes.

- (ZOMBIES SNARLING)

- (SCOTT AND KATE MOANING)

- Brains.

- Brains.

Oh, no! Oh, no!

Brains.

(SQUELCHING)

KATE:
Whoa!

- Oh, my God!

- SCOTT:
Oh!

(GAVEL BANGING)

BOB:
All right, town.

We'd now like to open up

the floor to its citizens.

First up on the docket,

Council would like to

recognize Officer Chandler.

Good afternoon.

Last Tuesday night at

approximately 3:
14 a.m.,

vandals spray-painted what

appears to be a male penis

and accompanying genitalia

on the high school football field.

It has since been removed.

BOB:
All right.

Town would like to

recognize Frank Theodorakis.

$1,500 of fines

for the height of my hedges.

This is bullshit, Bob.

Screw this town.

I am out of here.

Right after I say this.

Raina, baby, please come home.

- You're my wife.

- Oh, God.

- I love you, and I want you to come home.

- Frank, shut up. Stop it.

This is the only time I can

be in the same room with you.

- Come home!

- Just not here!

SCOTT:
It's not going the

way you think it's going.

I want it, but I've gotta turn

this around. Raina, just...

- Stop it. Go. Just...

- FRANK:
Oh, come on!

RAINA:
And where the

hell is our car, Frank?

BOB:
Well, looks like

Fox Meadow's having

its own little soap

opera play out here.

I'm sorry.

No need to apologize to us.

Just apologize to yourself

for making a bad decision.

On a bad man.

Moving on to the next issue.

If we could, please.

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