The House of Yes

I'll always remember that day.

Marty and I

had just turned 14...

and we went

to an Ides of March party.

I went as Jackie Onassis...

in a pink Chanel suit and a pillbox hat

and blood on my dress.

Well, ketchup, actually,

and other stuff too...

like macaroni

kind of glued on like brains.

It was more tasteful

than it sounds.

Everybody remembers that day,

exactly what they were doing.

Thank you, Mrs. Kennedy,

for showing us your official home.

This is the

White House, the scene from the south lawn.

This is the Pascal house,

as seen from the front lawn.

Ladies and gentlemen,

Mrs. John F. Kennedy.

Where are we now, Mrs. Kennedy?

This is what is known as the Brown Room.

As you can see, there are

many wonderful pieces here.

The style of the room

is dictated by the mantelpiece...

which was the gift of Mrs.

Maurice Knowne from Des Moines, Iowa.

This mantelpiece was donated by Mrs.

Noreen McCune of South Bend, Indiana.

It's really a treasure, and I wish

there were more people like Mrs. Knowne.

I wish we had more people

like Mrs. McCune.

It's through this

door that all the heads of state come.

And here's where

the marine band plays...

and then everyone goes in to dinner

in the state dining room.

- I'm rolling.

- Oh.

This is where

all the state dinners are given.

There were almost two

a month last year.

This is the main dining room,

where we entertain...

visiting heads of state

and their wives.

This room has the most

architectural unity in the White House.

I just think that everything in

the White House should be the best...

so when you find a room

like this, it's wonderful.

There's the China Room

and the Gold Room and the library.

This is the broadcast room. This is the Red

Room. This is the diplomatic reception room.

This is the men's room. This is the Green

Room. This is Lincoln's Cabinet Room.

The most formal room in the

White House... This room used to be...

Every room should have

a turnstile...

His office is really

a chamber of horrors now.

Jackie, no!

This used to be Daddy's room.

I mean, um,

Mr. Pascal's office space.

We shouldn't be in here.

The dining room and formal room... cabinet

room... China Room... broadcast room...

- Blue Room... men's room...

- This is a kitchen!

Just-Just a kitchen.

This is the living room...

center for living

and leisure activities...

and boring piano lessons!

Ha-ha!

Come on, Marty!

Daddy-O!

Anthony, help me

masking-tape these windows.

- Puttin' those crosses?

- Yeah.

The Kennedys aren't

puttin' crosses on their windows.

They could really care.

They have ten other houses.

- It's like wearing garlic, those crosses.

- It was on the news.

- It can't hurt.

- Yes, it can. It goos up the windows.

- Did Marty call?

- Last night.

- I know last night. Did Marty call today?

- He's bringing a friend.

- What?

- He said he was bringing a friend.

- Male or female?

- I don't know.

- What did he say exactly?

- He said, "Tell Mom I'm bringing a friend."

Why not me? Why not

"Tell Jackie I'm bringing a friend"?

I think it pertained to groceries,

bedrooms, like that... logistics.

Anthony, tell me everything

Marty said.

He said, "Hello, Anthony?"

I said, "Yeah, Marty?"

- He said, "Yeah." We said, "Hey."

- Marty said, "Hey"?

Not like, "Hey,"

like, "Hey!"

Like a noise.

Like a noise of jubilation.

- Marty was jubilant?

- At this point in the phone call.

At least he was doing

a fair impersonation of jubilant.

- Marty was pretending to be jubilant?

- Oh, my God.

- What's wrong with Marty?

- And who is this friend?

- And who is this friend? Exactly.

- How did he sound?

He sounded good.

He-He said he was good.

But he was lying.

He's not good. He hates New York.

- He's coming home.

- For Thanksgiving.

- For good.

- Did he say that?

- I don't know. Did he?

- No.

- How come nobody told me about this friend?

- Jackie.

Did I tell you

your brother's bringing a friend?

- What kind of friend?

- I don't know.

Marty's never had a friend before.

Who taped up the windows?

- I did. I saw it on the news.

- That tape leaves goo. It goos up the windows.

Goo is what tape is all about. Goo is

what makes it tape, instead of paper.

A person offers a little

constructive criticism...

and a person gets lectured

on the nature of things.

I came in to ask something.

I can't think what it is.

- Ah, Anthony. Did I make up the guest room?

- How should I know?

A person asks a civilized question,

and the person...

I'll go up and check. Did you

give your sister her medication?

Uh-huh.

Maybe we should do the chandeliers.

- Were you this excited when I came home?

- That was different.

- You were dropping out of college.

- A good college.

- So, why did you leave?

- With Marty gone, who was gonna take care of you?

- Mama.

- Yeah, right.

- I hear his car. I hear Marty's car.

- You can't hear cars.

- There's a hurricane.

- Where's my brush? I had a hair brush right here.

Are we gonna make a run for it?

Yeah.

What did it look like?

It looked like a hairbrush,

like a brush you brush your hair with.

- Was it pink?

- Yes, it was pink, goddamn it. It was pink.

It was pink, and now it's gone!

I put it upstairs.

I didn't want it around the food.

It wasn't around the food.

The food is in the kitchen.

- It was on the same floor as the food.

- I have a comb.

I don't want a comb.

I want a brush.

- Combs straighten your hair out. I want it to gleam.

- It is gleaming.

- It is not.

- It is. It is. I need sunglasses almost.

- It is?

- It is.

- Marty!

- Uh, Jackie!

- Lesly, this is Jackie-O.

- Hi.

My mother. Anthony.

Meet Lesly.

Lesly and I are engaged.

- I have to find my hairbrush.

- Oh, I-I have a comb.

Marty, you're a wreck.

Give me your coat.

- I was in a hurricane, Mama. I just came in from a hurricane.

- Oh, you look thin.

You're thin. You look so thin.

Oh, my God, I sounded like a mother.

- Didn't I sound just like a mother?

- You are a mother.

I know, but I still

can't believe it.

I look at you people and wonder,

however did you fit in my womb?

Marty, why don't you get the fire really

going like you do? Anthony, you help him.

Squeeze the blower or something.

Lesly and I will check on dinner.

- Can I check on dinner too?

- No, you cannot.

- There's going to be girl talk in there.

- I like girl talk.

If you were there,

it wouldn't be girl talk, would it?

- Do I have to squeeze the blower?

- No, sweetheart.

You just have to do something

in some other location.

You have a lovely home.

- Home?

- Your house. It's lovely.

Oh, yes, it was. I mean, it is. I mean,

it will be until it gets blown away.

We'll all get blown away

to Oz or something.

- Can I help with anything?

- Oh, no. It's all under control.

So, Lesly, how long

have you known Marty?

- Um, about six months.

- And you know him pretty well, do you?

I don't know. I think so. I guess

you've met a lot of Marty's girlfriends.

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