The House of Yes Page #2

- No, not really.

- Well, I hope I'm the first fiancee.

Oh, you're definitely the first

and, I hope, the last.

Me too.

I had one great passion in my life.

Do you know what that was?

- Your husband?

- My husband. Precisely.

I didn't know he was my one

great passion until he was gone.

Till he was gone, my one great passion was

the man I met that night at a party...

any man I met at a party who could use

a new adjective to describe me.

I really have no idea

who my children belong to.

All I know for sure is...

that Jackie and Marty

belong to each other.

Jackie's hand was holding Marty's penis

when they came out of the womb.

The doctor swore to me.

It's in some medical journal somewhere.

- I guess I should go freshen up now.

- Oh, do.

By all means.

Look at you, you're drenched.

- Anthony, did I put clean towels out on the bed?

- How should I know?

Go and see.

And show Lesly to the guest room.

- Why not my room, Mama?

- You're not married yet, are you, young man?

- Are there sheets on the bed?

- Mm-hmm.

Make sure to show her how to

jiggle the toilet so it doesn't run.

Marty, a word.

- A word, Mama, or many words?

- Oh, now, don't get snippy, Marty.

You've been in this house exactly

37 seconds, and you're already snippy.

It's no wonder your father died young.

He'd simply had it with all this snippiness.

A person can die a slow death...

from being snipped at

year after year.

The way he said "salad"

when he meant "solid."

Two of you would not let it go,

like a puppy with a rag doll.

- Daddy didn't die a slow death.

- Let's stick to the subject.

I have no idea

what the subject is.

- I'll tell you what the subject is not.

- No, Mama.

- That's too broad a category. Tell me what the subject is.

- You. A fiancee.

- Here. Why?

- I love her, and I'm just trying to follow procedure.

- Do you love her for any particular reason?

- Why, you didn't like her?

I spoke to her for exactly 37 seconds,

Marty. Who is she? What does she do?

- She's a waitress in the Donut King on 14th Street.

- Uh-huh.

She smells like powdered sugar.

Marty, men don't marry girls

who smell like powdered sugar.

They have a sweet little affair with them, which

they recall fondly in their twilight years.

- Don't be such a snob.

- Marty.

Your sister has been out of

the hospital less than six months.

Last week she nearly lost it

because the seltzer water was flat.

And you bring a woman home.

Not just a woman, but a fiancee.

An anti-Jackie.

- Are you trying to push your sister over the edge?

- No.

- Well, just what then are you trying to do?

- Be normal.

It's a little late for that, young man.

Do you want us to leave?

Yes, I want you to leave at once, without

further ado, as soon as the storm lets up.

If you don't, I'll take away your

sheets, your towels, everything.

- Without "further ado."

- Yes. I'm getting dramatic.

Well, stop it.

What do I tell Lesly?

Tell her the truth.

- The truth.

- That your sister's insane. She'll understand.

Don't say "insane."

She's ill.

Oh, if she were ill, I could give her

an aspirin, I could put her to bed...

I could make her that soup

you're supposed to make.

- Chicken noodle.

- That, exactly. But I cannot.

I mean, I can make the soup.

For heaven's sake, it comes in a can.

I cannot make her well.

I have tried.

I thought it was better that

I come and tell her myself.

It would be better not to tell her at all. It

would be better if you had nothing to tell.

If there's anyone present who knows why

this marriage should not take place...

it is me.

- Why?

- Why what?

Why shouldn't this marriage

take place?

You know why.

Tell me.

Excuse me. I'm going to go baste

the turkey and hide the kitchen knives.

So, those are the towels.

Do you like them?

'Cause I could get you others.

We have black ones

with Roman scenes on 'em.

Oh, that's okay.

These are dry.

This is just from the car to the door.

Can you believe it?

- Yes.

- It's a hurricane.

I know.

This is supposed to be

waterproof mascara.

- You look lovely.

- Oh.

Did I show you the toilet thing?

- Yeah.

- Oh, yeah.

You just jiggle it.

Right. It hasn't worked right

since Jackie flushed Marty's lizard.

Oh, it got in there by mistake?

No, on purpose.

- She flushed him on purpose?

- I think she was jealous.

Marty loved that lizard. It

turned different colors.

- Well, I guess you wanna do your mascara or somethin'.

- Yeah.

Well, my mom put out bobby pins

and hair glop, brushes.

Everything you'd need.

So, if you want to do your hair,

you're set.

- I do.

- What?

Wanna do my hair.

You know, 'cause of the rain and all.

- It looks nice the way it is.

- Oh, come on.

- Oh, well.

- Really.

- I guess I'll see you at dinner.

- Yeah.

I hope you like turkey,

'cause that's what we're having.

Yes. I mean,

it's Thanksgiving.

- Did-Did I show you the toilet thing?

- Yeah.

- And the towels?

- Oh, right here.

Could you just check and see if there are

sheets, 'cause my mother was all distracted.

- Yeah, there are.

- And pillows?

Anthony, I don't mean

to be unpolite...

but I'm kind of tired

and all, so...

Oh. Oh! I'm sorry.

It's just... Well, we've

never had a guest before.

Never?

Never.

- Hey.

- Marty.

The toilet's running.

- It's making this strange noise.

- What are you doing?

Oh, I don't like these shoes.

- They look fine.

- They skid. I nearly skidded.

- Come here.

- No.

- Why not?

- Lipstick.

Reapply.

Mmm.

You know, Lesly,

we don't have to stay here.

- Marty.

- What?

- Well, it's Thanksgiving.

- Nobody cares.

- Yeah, but we drove...

- We could drive back. We could watch the parade.

- It's rained out.

- Says who?

The news. They showed Bullwinkle blowing

on the side of the Chrysler building.

Well, we can't miss that.

That settles it. We're going.

- Let go.

- I love your shoes.

- Stop it.

- You've met them. They've met you. Let's go.

Oh, but they gave me towels

and bobby pins and everything.

- Bobby pins?

- It'd be rude.

They won't care.

They don't like me.

- They love you.

- Oh, I wore the wrong clothes.

- No.

- I was in a hurricane, you know?

I mean, a person can't look all... Well,

when it's raining and it's blowing...

You looked beautiful.

You are beautiful. Kiss me.

They're your family.

You are my family.

Not yet.

Did Marty tell you about me?

- Oh, yes.

- What did he tell you?

- How you were.

- How's that?

You know.

Glamorous.

- I spend most of my days with my head in the toilet bowl.

- Oh, well...

Throwing up pills. I can't really

think when I take the pills...

and a person needs to think.

I mean, if a person can't think,

what are they?

- Why are you taking the pills?

- The doctors make me.

Well, have you talked to them,

about not being able to think and all?

Oh, they'd just think

I was crazy in not taking my pills.

Well, most doctors are men, you know. They

think we're all perpetually premenstrual.

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